To the person who stole my glasses...
I will find you... I have good contacts!
What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist’s arm?
A tattoo.
In ancient Egypt if you held a stinging insect you were thought to be very attractive
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
They were building a meat tower next door.
The steaks just kept getting higher.
What do you call a dinosaur that drinks curry? A Mega-sore-arse.
My son painted six Easter eggs the colors of the infinity gems.
I told him he made an Egg-finity omelette.
How did Sam win the talent show? Sam-sung.
Why did the zombie bite off the comedian's hands?
His jokes were too funny to handle.
How can a bear catch fish without a pole?
They use their bear hands.
My teacher told me in History class to do some light reading on the history of the light bulb.
What does a panda use to cook his pancakes?
A pan duhhhh!
Why can a leopard never hide for long? It’s always spotted
Angry cows are usually responsible for giving the farmer sour milk.
What did the weather reporter say to his wife?
“I hope it doesn’t rain, deer!”
What’s a vampire’s favorite holiday?
Fangs-giving.
I enjoy the cold weather
But only to a certain degree.
Though my brother won the art competition, he went up to his rival and gave him the credit where it was hue!
I aorta tell you how much I love you.
What did the apple teacher say to her student? Help me orange the chairs please!
What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 200 years
I want to tell you one more painful phone pun but I decided it's uncalled for.
I could borrow the step-stool from my mom, OR i could go buy something taller.
I prefer the ladder.
What did the pig say to his friend who had been cheated upon?
Please don't go bacon this relationship.
What does the youngest flower child say?
Last bud not least!
Why didn’t the light rain hit the target?
It just mist.
Did you know there was a Jedi from Italy who was really strict about diets?
His name was Only One Cannoli.
What do you call a dinosaur that got stuck in the rain?
A driplodocus.
The best holiday for you to go bowling is thanksgiving because you will get turkeys.
Where do otters come from?
Otter Space.
What has a head but no body, a heart but no blood, leaves but no branches and grows without wood?
Lettuce
Dreaming in color is the artist's pigment of imagination.
What is the most favourite drink of a cow? Mountain Moo.
Never laugh at your spouse’s choice… You’re one of them.
What's the Kraken gonna give you that'll make you laugh uncontrollably?
Ten Tickles!
Time to celery-brate.
The forecast said that we’re in for a hot summer; better make sure I watermelon everyday or else the yard will dry up.
A tree fell over in our yard but we aren't sure why.
We're looking for the root cause.
Thunderstorms are shrewd investors. They put their money in a combination of frozen and liquid assets.
I accidentally injured my girlfriend with a mouth organ.
I really didn't mean to harm Monica.
Why couldn’t the equestrian find the carrots? They were down by the bay.
Why are Minotaurs always broke?
Because their loan sharks are always milking them dry!
What do you call a Spanish football player with no legs?
Gracias.
Q: What’s a nectarine?
A: A peach with balding problems.
How did the archeologists know the skeletons were real?
They were bone-afide.
Did you hear about the pear that fell off of the tree and fell to its death?
The damage was irreparable.
What goes black, white, black, white, black, white?
A panda rolling down a hill.
Do not eat that alphabet soup, or you will have a vowel movement.
Why did the volcano say to the mountain? I lava you
I think it’s funny when I ask girls whether they would spit or swallow my seed if I was a watermelon. Unfortunately, almost all of them reply not in a hundred melon years.