The earth's rotation really makes my day.
Why did the squirrel go to kola-nary school? Because it had pines to be a chef.
Who is the best kung fu vegetable?
Brocc lee.
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his dessert?
Cause he was stuffed.
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
If dolphins lived on land, which country would they live in?
Finland!
What do you call a wet teddy bear?
A drizzly bear.
Why was the pig a pathological liar? It’s a porcine-ality disorder.
What do Walter Payton and Luke Skywalker have in common?
They both did great with a hand off!
Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
I saw an Italian man cooking pasta with a flame thrower.
I cannoli imagine what he was thinking.
Knock, knock
Who’s there? CIA CIA, who? CI ate your last doughnut!
Summer is my favorite sea-sun of the year.
Mascara and lipstick broke up last week.
Now they are trying to make-up!
Is beef soup good for our health? Not if you are the cow.
I'm the pun King of Halloween.
What did the pumpkin say to the jar? Soon I will be ajar too.
Our love started with a Hershey’s Kiss.
Two male zebras in the Zoo started making rap-music.
They're called the Zbruhs.
How does a turtle feel after being electrocuted?
Shell-shocked.
What kind of turkey grows on a tree? Poultry.
What is most gorillas' favorite book to study in English class at high school?
The Apes Of Wrath.
My weekend is fully booked.
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
Went on a walk today. Had a couple of crows following me around. I'm pretty sure I have the corvid.
What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, and 12 claws on each foot? Sir.
What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, 12 claws on each foot and a personal stereo over his ears? Anything you like, he won't hear you!
Why did the monster eat the caboose? The locomotive told it to choo choo.
What did the gold say to the pyrite?
You’re a fool and a fake!
How would you describe a stinky chemist?
Mole-odorous
Why did the Vikings sail to England in longboats?
It was too far to swim!
What did Dead Viking say to Voluptuous Valkyrie?
Valhallo there.
What do you call an animal you keep in your car?
A Carpet
When it comes to board games about buying real estate, Hasbro has a monopoly…
When darkness sets in, fungi much like many other organisms go to sleep, but in mush-rooms.
I love spending koala-ty time with you.
What did the expired milk say after being picked up way past its due date? It was well beyond their wildest creams.
How can you tell that it’s Ronald McDonald at a nude beach?
Because he has sesame seed buns.
What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.
What does Father Christmas do for his summer holidays? Santa Cruz.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
What did the Papa Blanket say to the Mama Blanket when the Baby Blanket was crying?
Comforter.
Q. Which sweet dessert is banned from the menu at the Deer Cafe?
A. Chocolate Moose.
What do you say when you want to break the ice with someone?
Ice to meet you!
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.
How did the vineyard launch the new champagne making business?
They crashed a small boat into it.
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
The zombie had had a really long day at work.
She was dead tired.
Why did the dairy farmer go on a diet? She wanted to cheddar a few pounds!