Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Walnut.
Walnut who?
I walnut tell you. It’s a secret.
What separates humans from dolphins?
The surface of the water.
I saw a mosquito in the kitchen. I could have killed it, but I let it fly away...
That's probably going to come back to bite me later.
Where is the ghost going on holiday the next year? Lake Eerie.
What did the wise papa fish tell his son?
Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
What breed of dog will laugh at any joke?
A Chi-ha-ha
What is the wise gardener's mantra?
Weed 'Em and Reap!
On Valentine's Day, the peach said to his wife, "You will always have a peach of my heart!"
You know what's cool about chemistry?
Endothermic reactions.
What kind of work do pigs do after school?
Hamwork.
What did the cow that was struck by lightning say?
I'm udderly shocked.
Why do neurons like e-mail?
The love messages.
Snow joke, the weather is horrible today!
We’re a perfect mash.
Did you hear about the woman who complained about her rabbit stew? She said there was a hare in her soup.
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
Did you hear about the owl who married a goat?
The had a hootenanny.
Good gourd, pumpkin spice latte season is officially here.
Why was the orange feeling sad?
It lost its zest for life.
Who's got a penchant for spearing? Pronger!
How does the mother call the pharaoh son to the table?
Tutan, come on.
The pecan is ready to come out of its’ shell and see the world.
Got out of the shower, went downstairs and opened the door in my towel.
I know it’s a funny place to have a door, but there you have it.
Why did the volleyball player get sent to jail? Because he was set up.
What do you call a dinosaur that's a loud sleeper? A Snore-a-sorus
You do not want to know the history behind the railroad because it is so underground.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
Why did the hen lay her egg on the axe?
She wanted to hatchet.
I've stopped paying $6 for sham poo
After all, I make my own DIY genuine poo every morning.
What do grizzlies use in the shower?
Bear conditioner.
Two flies were fighting on a toilet seat.
One got pissed.
The fruit started to stutter as it was suffering from peach deterioration.
Which condiment is a mouse’s favourite?
Mouse-tard.
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye? Doyouthinkhesawus
I saw a Jazz band last night, but they really sucked...
They really saxophoned it in.
I love the smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies They smell just like burned toast
Resting Grinch face.
What do a witch and a candle have in common?
They're both wicked.
What brand of hand soap do telephone operators use? Dial.
Basketball players are not that patient to follow-through an elaborate court-ship procedure.
Did you hear about those really bad storms that hit that boy scout camp over night?
They were in tents.
What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo.
What do bread kids say during hide-and-seek?
Bready or not, here I crumb!
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
I tried to catch the fog.
But I mist.
Where can you find a golfer on a Saturday night?
Clubbing.
You know you're texting too much when...
you try to text, but you're on a landline!
The troll told his girlfriend that he was head ogre heels for her.
What did the cactus wear with their suit?
A cactie.
A lettuce farm was busted by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid.
When they dug up the grounds the found human romaines.