Why do the hot dogs with ketchup spoil early?
Because the sauce ages.
What's a frog's favorite candy?
Lollihops.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
What did the aged cheddar say when his mom told him he couldn’t see a movie that was rated R?
“I’m mature for my age.”
What do French cars wear as hats?
Bonnets.
What kind of luggage did the vulture bring on the flight?
Carrion.
The perfect name for a sad and morose strawberry is a blueberry.
The neighbor's dog pooped in our yard, so my wife told me to get the shovel and toss it over their fence.
But that didn't solve anything.
Now the neighbors have my shovel and someone still has to pick up the poop in our yard.
What do you call an Irish gem that’s a fake?
A sham rock.
Who carries out operations in a river? A sturgeon.
What happens to romantic trees on Valentine’s Day? They get all sappy.
Q: Why was the cherry by himself?
A: Because the banana split.
There’s two balloons in the desert. One says look out for that cactus!
The other goes What Cactussssss...
What do crocodiles wear to keep their legs dry in the water?
Gaiters.
How do you tell the difference between boys and girls?
Take their genes down.
Some bunny loves you.
How heavy is a rainbow? It's actually pretty light.
It used to be free to fill up your car tires with air, now it costs $1.25. You know why?
Inflation.
Why do witches only ride their broomsticks at night?
That's the time to sweep.
What would a peach say to its girlfriend or boyfriend? – “You will always have a peach of my heart, baby!”
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
If snowmen can’t ride bicycles, tricycles, or unicycles, what can they ride?
Icicles!
How is bacon like southern Europe?
It's got a lot of Greece in it.
I was waiting at the hotel's lobby when the WiFi was disconnecting from time to time.
I really hated that reception.
It takes one to snow one.
what do doctors use to draw blood?
A needle?
No, a red crayon!
What is the capital of Greece?
G.
It's really easy to learn white water kayaking
You just go with the flow.
My wife: Did you know a single dolphin can have more than 200 offspring?
Me: Wow How about the married ones?
Which country do sheep go on vacation? The Baaa-hamas.
Girls just wanna have sun!
This year I'm carving my pumpkin to look like an intricate ball of rope, so it can be a gourd-ian knot.
What South American dance do cows like to do?
The Rump-a.
Did you know that fighting increases your risk of heart attack?
Because it's assault.
What is the chemical formula of the molecules in sweets? Carbon-holmium-cobalt-lanthanum-tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
Why did the squirrel take apart the classic car?
To get down to the nuts and bolts.
You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.
Rome was pretty lit at the time.
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play needs a cast.
What do you get if cross a baseball player and a monster?
A double header.
What’s the best part of a cow? The topside, of course.
Why didn't the frog park on the side of the road?
He was afraid of getting toad.
Can you name 10 dinosaurs in 10 seconds? Yes, 8 Iguanadons and 2 Stegasaurus.
What do you call an alligator that makes others fight?
An instigator.
It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.
A butt lit a house on fire.
So I guess he committed Arse-on
You'd think seeing a mermaid in real life would be terrifying, but it wasn't half as bad.
As the storm was brewing, the madman raised his hands and cried, "Hail Storms! Long may they rain!"
How did the pony get the bugs away?
It said, horse-shoo fly, don’t bother me.
Why did the artist cross the street? To crosshatch to the other side.
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.