Many people seem to believe that warm water droplets get cooled fast and form fog. It's a mist-conception. Someone should de-mist-ify it.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
I auditioned to be a carpenter’s hand.
Nailed it.
What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror ? Halloumi (Hello me)
Watson: Sherlock, what type of rock is this amazing specimen?
Holmes: It’s sedimentary, my dear Watson.
My son's has never really had much of an appetite.
But suddenly today he's eaten a dozen Kinder eggs whole.
He's full of surprises.
Why was the math book sad?
Because it had so many problems.
Whoever lives by the sword shell die by it.
How does a Man cut his hair on the moon? Eclipse it.
What is a ghost’s favorite carnival ride? The rollerghoster.
You're one in a melon.
My teacher told me in History class to do some light reading on the history of the light bulb.
What do Egyptian Pharaoh's and sandwich filling have in common?
They're both in bread.
What did the vicar use for his vegetable patch?
Lettuce spray.
I need a new Halloween costume. I’m thinking of going as an evil nun.
Do I really need another bad habit?
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch big band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
What’s a pizza maker’s favorite song?
Slice, Slice Baby
Why isn't the the koala a real bear? He doesn't have the right koalifications.
What is known as the world's wettest animal? Rain-deer.
Birdie birdie in the sky laid a turdie in my eye.
If cows could fly I'd have a cow pie in my eye.
What kind of keys does a kid skeleton use on Halloween? Cook-keys.
Is tea with additional salt
Salt-tea?
I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.
Why do realtors not buy houses near stables?
Because they will always be worried about their next-door neigh-bors!
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
Where do they make all the decisions on a dairy farm? At the city cow-ncil.
What did the patient with the broken leg say to their doctor?
Hey doc, I have a crutch on you.
How much does an elephant skeleton weigh?
Skele-tons.
Why did the zombie comedian get booed off stage?
Because the jokes he told were rotten.
What cars do zombies drive?
Monster trucks.
A female sheep and a couple of aggressive birds are sitting on the veranda. What language do they speak?
Porchewegeese.
Why is it impossible to have a balanced conversation with a female mushroom? - Because shiitake too much!
Why do bees hum?
Because they don't know the words.
Where do math teachers normally like to go on summer vacation?
Times Square.
When you look at the sky and see the moon
You're looking at a subtle light
Did you hear about the mathematician whose afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
How come old math teachers never die?
They tend to just lose some of their functions.
What do you get if you cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle neck jumper.
Why did the whale cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
What did the gold say to the pyrite?
You’re a fool and a fake!
What's the fastest thing on the river bed?
A motor-pike and side-carp.
French guy goes into a bar with a frog on his head
The bartender asks “where’d you get that?” And the frog says “in France. There’s loads of them.”
How does Frankenstein jump-start his day?
With a shock of lighting.
What a werewolf movie, talk about howling!
I like my wine sweet and my humor dry.
A cheese factory exploded in France...
da brie is everywhere.
What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.
Did you hear about the forgetful unicorn mom? She kept feeding her kids milk of amnesia.
We've reached the point of snow return.
When you cross a train engine with a strawberry tart, you make a puff pastry.