What do you do when a pickle wants to play cards?
Dill'em in.
What do you call a potato that smokes weed? A baked potato.
Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”
One ear of corn says to the other, “I think I have a stalker.”
The other corn replies, “Thats amaizing! Is he cute?” The ear replies, “No, too husky!”
Why do you never see koalas wearing shoes? Because they love going bearfoot.
In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!
Wolves love shopping and they can literally die for. However, none of them loves the flea market for obvious reasons!
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
When my great-grandad went bald, he built a machine to weave himself a wig out of yarn. He then gave it to my grandad, who then gave it to my dad - and one day, it will be mine.
It’s our family hair loom.
When I was learning how to cook soups, my mum asked me to follow my instinct. She asked me to go with the pho.
What do crows read? Cawmics.
What do you call a crimson-colored fish wearing a hat?
A red herring...
What do you call a married couple who compete in the marathon side-by-side?
Running mates.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
My husband hated my impulse purchase of a revolving chair, but then he sat on it.
Eventually he came around.
So I cut down a tree using my vision today
It’s true, I SAW it with my own eyes.
My mother always told me that the best place to mend clothing is in a wash basin
but I don't sink sew.
Who directs all of the movies about volleyball injuries? Spike Lee.
What is the similarity between a superhero and an onion? They both have layers.
Did you hear about the cloud who became king? He rained for years.
Something’s goat to give.
Why couldn’t the police arrest the skeleton?
They couldn’t pin anything on him.
It’s allergy season again?! You’ve got to be pollen my leg.
What goes black, white, black, white, black, white?
A panda rolling down a hill.
You'd never get a rainbow in the red of night.
The target in soccer is to kick it where it counts.
What do you get when you cross a pig with a centipede?
Bacon and Legs.
Why did the pianist turn around on his way to the grocery store?
He forgot his Chopin Liszt.
When Mr. Mushroom saw Miss Mushroom, he didn’t hesitate to ask her out on a date because he had she was such a fungi-rl.
What has a spiked tail, plates on its back, and sixteen wheels? A Stegosaurus on roller skates!
This weekend is going to be LITerary.
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
A guy just walked into my store and bought a bunch of fog machines so I called the cops.
He must belong to an extreme mist organization.
Who else is a famous barnyard painter?
Pablo PIGcaso
A witch with chickenpox is called an itchy-witchy.
Nothing runs a pun like bad spelling, accept poor grammar's.
Why did the bald man decide to paint a bunch of rabbits on his head? He thought that they could look like hares from a distance.
Did you get a side of hummus?
It's a hummuside.
When we put our two hearts together, we can’t be beat.
Shake your shamrocks.
What is a walnut’s favorite Christmas play? The Nutcracker.
Why did the blonde run backward?
She wanted to gain weight.
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet...
It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean!
Why did the coffee call the police? Because it was mugged.
Why can't a brain be 12 inches long?
Becuase then it would be a foot.
Farmers were in an all out war to decide which vegetable they would plant
It was resolved with a Peas Treaty.
The only ship that has never docked on their harbor is the premiership.
I used to make extra money by selling illegal tennis equipment on the side, but I was approached by some thugs who told me to stop.
I guess they control the Tennis Racket around here.
How do berries start off the fruity olympics? They cherry the Olympic torch around the globe.
Any proof that Saturn married more than once? Well, he do has a lot of rings.