That wide loaf has a decent bread-th. Nice.
Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.
I started dating her when she backed her car into mine at the mall.
I guess you could say we totally met by accident.
What happened when the onion tried to cross the bridge guarded by Gandalf? Gandalf shouted, "You shallot pass this bridge!"
What type of a computer does a horse like to eat? A Macintosh
What kind of fruit salad is most resistant to sunburn?
The kind with extra melon in.
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
Who’s your paddy?
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
What type of fish do two sodium atoms make?
2Na.
Two tiny timid toads trying to trot to Tarrytown.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
Computers can be very good at golf because of their hard drives.
Did you hear about the poker player who lost his arm and got a prosthetic replacement?
He’s finding it hard to deal with.
My Dad told me why Busch is the only brand of beer he ever drinks.
"It's the only beer that says it's name when you open it."
Why shouldn't you shop at the Banana Republic? Because the employees look like a bunch of dicks.
Which dinosaur can't stay out of the rain? A Stegosaur-rust
The bartender asked the pirate, "Is that a ship's wheel sticking out of your pants?"
The pirate replied"Aye! It's driving me nuts!"
What do you call a psychic gnome who escaped from prison?
A small, medium at large!
Noticed the ladies' restroom door was missing the 'W'.
Told my daughter that sign was a bad omen
Gnomes don’t understand jokes, they go right over their heads.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th.
Serotonin and Dopamine: Technically, the only things you enjoy.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
The glass eyeball manufacturer is having a promotion
An eye for an eye.
What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.
Trying to teach my dad how to put WiFi on his tablet
Me: You just have to go to settings!
Dad: This is just making me upsettings!
On the spot no hesitation! Gotta love him!
Thought I saw a zebra in a field near my house recently, turned out to be a horse in his pyjamas.
Where did Vegans come from?
Hummus Sapiens
What do you get if a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
What are unsolved murders called when it happens in a society of crows? Murder mysteries.
Why does the lettuce always win the bodybuilding competition?
Cuz it starts a head and is usually shredded.
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
For the last few Sundays, I have been receiving an onion pun in the mail. I don't know who is sending them. Guess it is onionymous.
Why can you never trust an artist? Because they are a bit sketchy, a little shady and will always try to frame you.
Nobody knows about Napoleon's brother because they were born-apart-e.
What is Santa's favorite breakfast food? Snow-flakes.
What did the mama nut say to her son?
“If I ever cashew doing that, I walnut be happy.”
I've just been to court accused of sniffing the skins of vegetables and fruits.
I got off on a peel.
Why did Neil Armstrong pee right after he made his first step on the moon?
He wanted to go where no man had gone before.
Why is earth worm humor offensive?
They only know dirty jokes.
Why isn't your daughter married? Because a gourd man is hard to find.
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
Don’t hang around booze hounds. They’re wine-y bitches.
I sit in front if my ex in physics.
There used to be a lot of friction between us.
What's the name of the funniest mountain range in the world? The Himhilarious.
Why did the deer go for a run?
To doe off some steam.
What would you call a steak that leaped off the table and ran away? Fast food, of course.
I started dating a girl I really like. She's really into bees.
I think she's a keeper
My herbs were looking a little scuffed, but when I went to go polish them, my friend was already getting ready to help me out. This made me upset, so I grabbed a sprig out of their hands and said
This is my thyme to shine.