My grandad was responsible for 28 downed german planes in WW2.
Still to this day, he holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
The density of this concrete leads me to believe one thing: it is a hard court.
What is a tornado's favorite movie? Gone With the Wind!
Did you hear about the crocodile who was unable to mate?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road, rolls in the dirt, crosses the road again, and then rolls in the dirt again?
A dirty double-crossing chicken.
What is a bear’s favorite soda?
Coca Koala.
What happened when the tiger ate the comedian?
He felt funny!
Why was Mozart a child prodigy?
All his early pieces were in A sharp minor.
When do zombies go to sleep?
When they are dead tired.
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns! What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A "hollow-weenie!"
What happens when two coffee lovers disagree on their favorite roast? It turns into a heated debate.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
Did you hear about the croc and rooster that had a kid together?
It was a crocadoodledoo.
Driving a truck carrying cutlery is easy – as soon as you see the fork in the road, you know you’re there.
Why wouldn’t the squirrel collect the oak’s acorns today? She called in sick and then went to the beech.
What was the biologist wearing on his first date with a hot chick? Designer jeans.
How do you say farewell to a very optimistic insect?
Buoyant!
Have you seen the new movie with the Dachshund?
Apparently it’s an Oscar Weiner.
Some people think anyone who sells meat is gross. But, people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.
Why shouldn't you iron a four-leaf clover?
You don't want to press your luck!
What do vegetarian zombies say?
Graaaiiinnss!
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a watermelon by it’s diameter? Watermelon PI.
If money really did grow on trees, what would be everyone’s favorite season? Fall.
Do you think you know more parrot jokes than me? Toucan play that game!
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."
Did you see that meteor shower?
No, I respect others’ privacy.
Ticket inspectors. You’ve got to hand it to them…
Here’s another one; what about an otter who lives in an emptied out melon? An ottermelon.
Did you know that geologists are athletic? Yeah, I read it in Quartz illustrated.
What did the trees wear when they went to a pool party? Swimming trunks.
What do you call a flying elephant?
A jumbo jet.
Why did the elephant ask to borrow a suitcase?
Because he only had a little trunk.
My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.
Reindeer don't go to school—they're elf taught.
Q: How did the Pharaoh get to school?
A: In Anubis.
What do you say happened to an onion who got what it deserved? You say it got karma-lized.
How do two skeletons have se*?
They bone each other.
When I tried taking a picture of my bread load, it came out grainy. I think that that is a common problem.
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
I can't get my wife to try Mediterranean food.
She doesn't like hummus, which is a naan-starter.
Two candies had a beautiful wedding. They were truly mint to be
I got camping insurance....but if someone steals my tent in the middle of the night....
I'm no longer covered.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theatre?
A: They apparently went to see "Closed For The Winter"
You know you’re getting old when…there is nothing left to learn the hard way.
Q. How does a tree get on the computer?
A. It logs on!
Daughter: Did you get a hair cut?
Dad: No sweetheart I got em all cut.
My wife was just recently diagnosed with colorectal cancer and now has surgery scheduled to remove a couple of inches of her colon. I expect her grammar will improve as a result.
Because she's going to have to learn how to use a semicolon.
Due to unusually successful harvests of chickpeas this year, the price of hummus is going to fall dramatically.
Buy the dip.
What hotel do mice stay in ? The Stilton
What do you call chick peas in a cavern?
Humus Sapiens