Why did the turkey cross the road? It was the chicken's day off!
A piano player got arrested at a wedding...
He was trying to root the relatives.
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
Had beaver curry last night.
Bit like a normal curry, just a little otter.
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
What type of fish do two sodium atoms make?
2Na.
What do you calla watermelon that just won’t stop committing crimes? A watefelon.
What do you call a cold werewolf?
A chilli dog.
Car Salesman: And if you don't like this color, we have another one in "Boulder Gray"
Me: Gray isn't very bold to begin with, how did you make it bolder?
Have you heard about the banker who drowned in a river? It was a river of cash.
What did the bottled water tell the spy?
The names bond, Hydrogen bond.
Feeling cold? Go stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.
There's this video game about an FBI psychologist hunting a Viking Angel of Death....
I believe it's named Valkyrie's Profile.
What’s a donut’s favorite lullaby?
“Sprinkle, Sprinkle Little Star.”
My cell phone got drunk.
It took too many screenshots.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
If Stu chews shoes, should Stu choose the shoes he chews?
How do rainbows sleep? In forty pinks.
What do you say to an avocado who’s done a good job?
“Bravocado!”
Where do restless travelers like to go?
To Rome.
The coddled superstar sat in the seats with the fans instead of on the bench
with the team; for this, ironically enough, he was accused of grandstanding!
Why did an agent decide to hide his realtor license?
Because he wanted to be a secret agent.
Why do potatoes make good detectives? Because they keep their eyes peeled.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
I don't mind leg day at the gym.
It's just the two days after that I can't stand.
Every morning when I leave home, a bike comes from somewhere and runs me over. It’s a vicious cycle.
Why is a robot engineer never lonely? Because he’s always making new friends.
There’s so much to do here so I’m never Bordeaux-ed.
What do you call it when a Crocodile becomes an Elvis Impersonator?
Crocabilly
What did the conductor say when he became a zombie?
Traaaaaaaaiiiinsss!!!
Two ghosts were at a disco. One was having a fa-boo-lous time and the other wanted to boo-gie all night long!
Why does it take so long for the EU to figure out how much Italy owes them every year?
Hey, ease up. Rome wasn't billed in a day.
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
Why didn't the ghost dance at the party? He had no body to dance with.
What’s black and white and very noisy?
A panda with a set of drums.
Why did the bear quit his second job?
Because he needed some koalaty time with his family.
Other people had drugs in school, but I brought Greek cheeses.
That way I could have math and feta cheese.
How did architects earn a living in ancient Egypt?
Pyramid schemes
What goes ‘Cackle, cackle, cackle, bonk’?
A witch laughing her head off.
What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.
There might be other fish in the sea, but you’re my sole mate
What Kind of Books do Rabbits Read? Ones with Hoppy Endings.
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
What kind of dog sniffs out flowers?
A bud hound.
When your putt lips out, what disease do you have?
Liprocy.
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano?
I really lava you!
Q. What did one artistic colored pencil say to another?
A. Bro, you are lookin' sharp today!
What is a popular videogame for young utensils?
Fork Knife.
What do you call a Spanish goat with no hind legs?
Gracias.
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!