Henry VIII had breathing troubles - he had no heir!
What do you call a hobbit who has bad breath? He is known as Lord of Onion Rings!
Why did the corn stalks hold a ceremony in honor of the scarecrow?
To corn-gratulate him for being out standing in their field!
What is a mushroom’s favorite hobby? - Spore-t!
Which weighs less; butane, gasoline or water?
Butane, because it's lighter fluid.
Did you hear about the lawyer who tried to sue a shark for biting all his limbs off?
He didn’t have a leg to stand on.
What do gnome allergy sufferers call a reaction caused by daisy-like flowers?
An aster-risk.
What do you say when the beach asks you to walk on it?
Shore
What do sloths make when it snows? Slow Angels.
Why did the Vikings sail to England in longboats?
It was too far to swim!
Did you hear about the artist that has been drawing very small, colorful noodles?
He drew an itsy, bitsy, teeny-weeny, yellow, polka dot linguini.
Join us for plenty of play action.
My dog loves poetry.
Especially William Shakes-paw.
My local ice cream man was found dead in his garage covered in strawberry sauce and hundreds and thousands.
Police believe he topped himself.
What did the man do when he dropped his violin?
He quartet...
Who did the ghost take to prom? His ghoulfriend.
Where does a 500-pound penguin sit?
Anywhere it wants.
What is the best type of nut for your home wall decor? A walnut.
What do you call two pears?
A pair.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
What type of cat belongs to the baker? One that’s pure-bread
How do horses get to another star system? They travel through intergalloptic space.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
What did the guy at the party say when he realized there was nothing left to dip his tortilla chip in?
“I’ve hit guac bottom.”
How does a vampire make tea? With a used tampon.
Once I got peas stuck in my ear. I had to make people re-pea-t themselves.
What do you call a chicken staring at a salad?
Chicken sees a salad.
Wondering about a peach's favorite movie? Well it has to be the 'King's Peach'.
In the 1970s, hippies loved going to a Grateful Dead concert and getting toasted. That’s certainly the truth.
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
A chemical in science class can make your hands go numb
But math will make you number.
"My day just went from super to sip-erb, real quick."
How did the tigers greet the other animals in the jungle? "Hey! Pleased to eat you."
Why was the pine tree always in trouble? It kept being knotty.
New electric trains will run on conductors.
At what time of day did God create Adam?
Just before Eve.
Did you ever hear the joke about the three holes in the ground?
Well, well, well.
What do you call a painting by a cat of herself? A self paw-trait.
Sir, did you realize the consequences of naming your son Taco Cheese?
"No, but I have grate expectations."
When Dumbo’s mom was pregnant, no one would talk about it.
It was the elephant in the womb.
Prague is my number one choice for a dream destination...
Dying to Czech it out
When do you know a joke is a dad joke?
When the punchline is a parent.
In the eyes of the lawn.
What is the only animal smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee!
I'm not like other keyboards...
I'm qwerty
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked!
I slapped my violin out of anger, then I got arrested for domestic violins.
The evil King of Weatherland only had one favorite weather - hail, storm.