You’re my lucky charm.
What does a basketball player say when he misses?
Shoot!
Why did the confused gnome decide to see a shrink?
Because he had low elf-esteem.
What do you call a well-dressed ant?
Eleg-ant.
H20 is water, but what is H204?
It’s for swimming and drinking, of course.
What do fish take to stay healthy?
Fish take Vitamin Sea to stay healthy!
Asked the librarian rather loudly for the wifi password. He said "Sshhhhhh!" I asked "is that all lower case?"
My son painted six Easter eggs the colors of the infinity gems.
I told him he made an Egg-finity omelette.
If Roman Emperor Nero was born in Egypt..
He might have been a Far-o.
What do dogs love to eat for breakfast?
woofles
What do you call a sleeping paper towel?
A napkin.
What do you call an otter with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
What’s a potatoes favorite horror movie? The Silence of the Yams.
What do you call a square that got into a car accident?
A rect-angle
What do you call a dentist who doesn't like tea? Denis.
I ordered chicken fingers tossed in Buffalo sauce the other day
I asked the chef to be gentle while tossing them though. Because they’re tenders.
A certain Leafs right-winger was sued by the Louisiana government. He was
Owen N'awlins.
What did the Cheese salesman say? That cheese may be Gouda, but this one is Feta!
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
Whats a bad flower pick-up line?
Lets put our tulips together?
My little brother had to stay with our parents when we went to Italy. I was free to Rome.
There's now a vaccine to make you better at geometry.
It's called Pythagorean Serum.
At the baking competition in October, the chef said that he had eyes on the pies!
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
Eleph-ino! (Sounds like "Hell if I know!")
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
What type of ice cream do fish like to eat?
Shark-o-late!
My family visited a rude psychic, with degenerative bone disease, who insisted all of us had bad breath.
She was a super callous fragile mystic expecting halitosis.
Mike Tyson bought a yacht and immediately wrecked it.
Who woulda thunk it?
What kind of degree can you get at a urinal?
A Pee h.D.
What does a mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra, naturally.
What do you call a cherry that is hard as nails? Tough as old fruits.
Q: Why couldn't the Pharaoh sing?
A: He hurt his larSphinx
How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?
A woman bought a rooster, wanting to hear it crow.
However, it turns out the rooster was mute, so she was out of cluck.
What did the farmer yell out when ducks invaded his dairy farm? Cheese and crackers!
What kind of dog did Frankenstein want for Christmas?
A lab.
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
I am really good with PowerPoint because I Excel at it.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
When does the moon gets his/her stomach full? During full moon.
You’ll be Dublin your fortune soon.
What did the ocean say when asked if he wanted to be friends with the beach?
“Shore!”
What's the difference between a head of lettuce and a unicorn?
One is a funny beast, and the other is a bunny feast!
What do you call a faucet in the capital of Belgium?
A Brussels spout.
What do you call Santa living at the South Pole? A lost clause.
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
How do you share a piece of cheese with a bear?
Caerphilly.
What’s worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?
A centipede with athlete’s foot.
When hydrogen got arrested they told him he had one phone call.
He replied: "Call who? I don't have a family!"