You know, people say they pick their nose,
but I feel like I just was born with mine.
What do you call a large dog that meditates?
Aware wolf.
What do you call a pear with loose morals?
A prostifruit.
Q: How do Japanese artists bid farewell?
A: Cyan-Nara!
If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a tavern guard.
I've always been known for my Inn-Security.
A trip to Ireland always lifts my spirits.
I was driving through the safari park when my sat nav said “bear left”. It was clearly a zebra.
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Why didn't the hipster swim in the river? It was too mainstream.
I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.
Riveting stuff.
Happy Birthday to my best spud….get it? ? Spud…bud? ?
A space fish is usually called starfish.
What did Yoda say when he turned a patron away for ordering a pie?
“Dough. Or doughnut. There is no pie.”
How did the baker cut four loaves of bread at the same time? By buying a four-loaf-cleaver.
We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
Wolves love shopping and they can literally die for. However, none of them loves the flea market for obvious reasons!
Why did the River go to the doctor? Her flow wouldn't stop.
When the drivers ran out of fuel in the grassland, they refueled their tanks with grass-oline!
What do you call a turtle who takes up photography?
A snapping turtle.
Why did the mouse eat a candle? For some light refreshment!
It’s easy to spot a sad flamingo. They get really blue.
I had a flamingo come to stay with me when he had a cold. We nicknamed him phlegmingo.
When Mr. Mushroom saw Miss Mushroom, he didn’t hesitate to ask her out on a date because he had she was such a fungi-rl.
Which lawn decorations move around from yard to yard?
Gnomads.
What do you call a snowman in July?
A puddle.
Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
I feel a bit bad for making blanket statements.....
They're my quilty pleasure
I like to reminisce about the surgeon who removed my spine.
Really takes me back.
When did the dentist develop tooth pain?
Tooth-hurty!
How does bread win over friends?
“You can crust me.”
Every time I passed a ring-shaped coral reef with a coral rim that encircles a lagoon, I had to pay a fee. It was atoll.
Irish I may, Irish I might.
What do you call a row of zombies?
A deadline.
How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam? An itsy bitsy book.
Why don’t penguins fly?
They are not tall enough to be pilots.
Why did the little British boy become an Ancient Egyptian Historian?
Because he wanted his mummy to be proud him.
I wanted to redo the flooring in my bathroom, but I did not have enough tiles...
It was a few'tile effort.
What do you call it when you brush off the winter snow for the last time?
A spring fling!
Why was the criminal dubbed the Beer Runner let go after being arrested for stealing 23 beers?
'Cause the prosecutors didn't have a case.
What’s black and white and red all over?
A sunburned panda.
What would the greatest hockey player in history be called if he would have chosen not to play hockey?
Wayne Regretzky
What does a dinosaur call a porcupine? A toothbrush.
Why wasn't King Kong able to climb to the top of the Empire State Building?
He couldn't quite fit in the elevator.
A priest is the best catch for a tiger as they like to prey.
What do you get from an Alaskan cow ? Ice Cream
What do chemists make guacamole out of?
Avogadros.
How do you get yarn out of a snake?
Wait until it sheds its skein.
What do we call the period in between eating a peach? – It is called a pit stop.
What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together?
CSI.
What do you call a happy rabbit? An Hop-timist.