What do French cherry parents say to their little cherries at home? You are mon cherry.
Why did the Beatles stop inviting Ringo to Thanksgiving?
Because he wouldn't share the drumsticks.
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.
Did you hear that famous blonde haired actress has been stabbed? She's called Reese, Erm...
Witherspoon?
No, with a knife.
What do you call a father who’s against hand bags?
Antiperspirant.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
What do you call 2 fruits that can't get married?
Cantelopes.
One smart fellow, he felt smart.
Two smart fellows, they felt smart.
Three smart fellows, they felt smart.
Four smart fellows, they felt smart.
Five smart fellows, they felt smart.
Six smart fellows, they felt smart.
A team of mushrooms was playing basketball against a team of cabbages. The mushrooms won. Everyone cheered for the champignons.
Why did the snowman name his dog ‘Frost’?
Because ‘Frost’ bites.
My mother's sister can carry 50 times her own weight
She's my aunt
My girlfriend said we aren't getting married until she has a pear shape
It's the reason we cantaloupe
In the corn maze, I felt like I was being stalked. It was earie.
Every player knows pretty well that they cannot afford to go through life without goals.
A cross-eyed teacher can't control his pupils.
How do astronauts like to eat their ice cream?
Floats.
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
What are pig criminals known for? Pigpockets.
Why couldn't the garden gnome run in the marathon?
Because he's not part of the human race!
Why can't elephants use computers?
Because they're scared of the mouse.
What's the difference between French fries and orange juice?
You can make orange juice out of orange, but not French fries out of French
What do you call a storm that's raining cats and dogs?
A furricane
What’s the best tool to have when your heart sinks?
A Jack of Hearts.
If your doctor tells you to go on a low sodium diet, do you take his advise with a grain of salt?
My wife asked me why I bought a pear tree.
I told her "what, you told me to grow a pear."
How heavy are your bones?
They are scale-a-ton.
Which element is a member of famous rock band?
Hg
Why should you not play volleyball in court? Because you could get arrested.
Take off all your cloves.
Two friends were hanging out. One asks the other: "Hey, do you know about the famous detective that can't do bowel movements?"
The other friend replies: "No sh** Sherlock, of course I do!"
Why was the cow always exercising? To build up its moo-scles
Would you mind watching my pet parrot while I’m out, as long as it’s not too much of a birden?
Did you hear about the kangaroo with glasses?
He had to go to the hopthalmologist.
My keyboard is missing a key. I lost ctrl.
What did the rock say to the word processor?
Boulder.
What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter? Pumpkin-Pie!
Did you hear about the chicken who could only lay eggs in the winter?
She was no spring chicken.
How do comedians like their eggs?
Funny side up.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite game?
Jump rope.
When shouldn't you believe a word your cheese is saying? When it's too Gouda to be true.
A camel can work all week without drinking..
A man can drink all week without working.
Medieval scientists were known to be very arrogant and stubborn. They thought that everything revolved around them!
HELP! It's a taco emergency!
Dial 9 Juan Juan!
I passed my dentistry tests with an A in my written paper.
In Oral, B.
What's the hardest tea to swallow?
Reality.
What did the witch do when her broomstick broke?
She witch-hiked.
A sun walks into a black hole.
The black hole says to the sun "I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation".
How will the other onions remember the onion that died? It will be forever minced!
Why was the beaver not arrested when he jumped into the Nile? Because he was a juve'nile.