There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
What did the Easter Bunny say to its partner? We make one egg-celllent couple.
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity?
It’s natural.
I just finished the Mona Lisa made from vegetables. It's a masterpeas.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it
What do you call a nut on a Wheelchair?
“A busted nut.”
Bad puns are how eye roll.
Did you hear about the new Smashing Pumpkins cover band?
They call themselves Squished Squash!
Why didn’t the koala bear get the job? He was underkoalafied. How did he fix this? By going back to koalage.
Today I helped father-in-law to fix his plants
it was very grounding.
What do penguins drink during the summer?
Iced tea.
What do you call a can of soda in a conglomerate? Coca-Cola Clastic.
I wonder why theatres are so sad? They're always dark, moody, and in tiers.
I’m zesting a lemon for a recipe right now
It’s really appealing
If you had fifteen cows and five goats what would you have?
Plenty of milk.
What do you get from sitting on the snow too long?
Polaroids!
Where do recluses live in Spain?
Barceloner.
I once had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of carbonated orange juice.
Thankfully it was just a fanta sea.
Onions are unable to store water inside them because there is always a leek.
What happens when a koala drinks too much alcohol? He gets a bear gut.
Where does Snowy the snow man hide his money?
In a snow bank.
What’s the difference between a fly and an eagle?
An eagle can fly but a fly cannot eagle.
What kind of gang violence is common among owls?
A drive by hooting.
My mother always laughed at me when I told her my dream was to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should of seen her face when I drove pasta.
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honeycombs.
I like my matches like my tennis balls: Pressureless.
A baseball walks into a bar. The bartender throws him out.
"Some bunny loves you."
The best armor for sneaking is leather armor.
Because it's made of hide.
Why was the computer late to work? Because it had a hard drive!
What type of toilet paper does the math house have?
Multiply.
What’s a skeleton’s next favorite rock band?
Bone Jovi.
Another term for hair that's tied up in a bun is
a hairball
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
I’m ready to shamrock and roll.
What do seals do when they need medical attention?
Sea kelp.
Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult
When a dinosaur gets a goal in a soccer tournament, it is known as a dino-score.
Why was the pony so excited to be invited to a rally with the president?
It was a huge end-horse-ment.
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
One bonsai tree grower was so successful he moved into a miniature house.
Big black bugs bleed blue black blood but baby black bugs bleed blue blood.
What kind of tea did the American colonists want? Liberty.
Scientists have found that the center of Jupiter… has the letter i.
My wife: Oh look, here's instructions on building a carpenter bee trap.
Me: Shouldn't they be able to do that themselves?
Did you hear about the monk who was caught molesting kids? Yeah, bastard was telling the poor kids to touch his eunuch-horn.
What do you call a potato that’s reluctant to jump into boiling water? A hesi-tater.
The problem with collecting wine is that you always end up getting screwed.