Wow, wouldn’t mind if you became my significant otter.
I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.
What did the beach say to the water? "I need some vitamin sea."
The evil King of Weatherland only had one favorite weather - hail, storm.
Draw me like one of your French ghouls.
What kind of fish do you catch with Gummy Worms?
Swedish Fish.
Did you know Rolf Harris was a talented violinist as a child?
Yeah, he was a mean kiddie fiddler.
Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
It is no wonder that Thomas Jefferson was thus named, his father was after Jefferdad.
What do you get if you cross Bossy with a vampire?
Dracowla.
It’s not often that you find an eye anywhere but on the face. Cows, however, have a rib eye.”
Who do elephants get their Christmas presents from?
Elephanta Claus.
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
What does Pooh Bear call his girl friend?
Hunny.
Purple paper people, purple paper people, purple paper people.
What did Sophocles call his dating service in Ancient Greece?
Oedipal Arrangements.
You know what they say about ice cream parents?
They play flavorites.
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
"Aloe you vera much."
Why can’t minerals ever lie?
They’re always in their pure form.
On a recent flight, my friend asked me, "If the door suddenly opens, you think we will fall out?
I said, "No, we will still be friends."
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
One molar solution.
You may want to seek help if you feel despresso when you don't have coffee.
My kid’s toy submarine was having trouble staying under water...
I hope this will not surface again
What did the seal with a broken arm say to the shark?
"Do not consume if seal is broken."
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
Why did the Gorilla fail its exam? He didn't have the ape-titude.
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock in a pestilential prison with a life-long lock, awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock from a cheap and chippy chopper with a big, black block.
I don't understand why Bed Bath & Beyond is considered a non-essential business.
Don't they carry essential oils?
What do you call two female lovers spying on the government?
Lesbionage.
What's a sheep's favorite art style?
Baa's Relief
Did Dick Pickens prick his pinkie pickling cheap cling peaches in an inch of Pinch or framing his famed French finch photos?
did you hear the one about the sheep in car wreck?
it was baaad.
I have a bone to pixie with you.
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road?
Poultry in motion.
I was asked why I love to clean lemon juice from windows, to which I replied
“It’s easy peasy lemon squeegee.”
How do you save a drowning otter? Take your foot of its head
Crows, they just love sports, crow-quet to be precise.
"Read between the wines."
Milk is the fastest drink on the planet. It's pasteurized before you even see it.
A barber, a hairdresser, and Bigfoot walk into a bar...
You know what...I'm gonna shave this joke for another time.
Gardening question: Does anyone know a good place where I can buy a fern? Asking for a frond.
My girlfriend said we aren't getting married until she has a pear shape
It's the reason we cantaloupe
I always put my money in drums
Because it’s a sound investment.
Long time no sea.
Q: What do you call two peas in a pod?
A: Peepee.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.