Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going to open the door.
Who led the Jews across a semi-permeable membrane?
OsMoses.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
What is a corn's favorite song?
Corn fields forever.
What do you call a ghoul who sits too close to the fire?
A toasty ghosty.
He came, he thawed, he conquered.
Baby seal walks into a club...
Years later he would sing A kiss from a rose in the same club.
If I ever find out the name of the surgeon who messed up my limb transplant, I’ll kill him…
With my bear hands.
This weekend is going to be LITerary.
Why didn't the two worms get on Noah's Ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go on in pairs.
What do you call a bus full of smart people?
A Scholarship
I bought a 400 year-old chair from Italy,
but as soon as I sat on it, it baroque.
I don’t know about you, but I think helicopter rescue pilots have the best pick-up lines.
What is the similarity between my wallet and an onion? Whenever I open both of them, I cry.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
When is the best time to paint a dog?
When they're asleep.
If you photograph your pimples, is zit art?
Did you hear about the geologist who got divorced?
He was taking his wife for granite, so she left him.
A mosquito asks for a date: "I'd like to take you out to suck blood on someones leg"
She says "I don't know, I feel like I'm going out on a limb here."
What do you call a communist violin?
The second Fidel.
Blackboards love drinking beverages, especially hot white chalk-olate!
Why did the banana fail his driving test? He kept peeling out.
What do you call a slow skier?
A slopepoke!
How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
Wi’ jam in.
When potato chips don’t sell fast enough, the maker knows it will soon be crunch time.
Although he seems happy and bright, the jack-o-lantern was so sad on Halloween because he’s hollow inside.
What do you get when you cross a computer with an elephant? Lots of memory!
Why do painters always fall for their models?
Because they love them with all of their art.
What element comes from Norse mythology? Thorium.
Did you hear about those really bad storms that hit that boy scout camp over night?
They were in tents.
Are you a defibrillator? Because you are sending shocks to my heart.
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his food before it was cool.
What vehicle does a grammar teacher drive?
A Syllabus.
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
According to a geologist, why is the world so diverse? Because it's made up of alkynes of people.
Why are bread puns the greatest? They never grow mold.
I went to an Easter party as a Jesus cosplayer
I told them I was a crossplayer.
My friend who's a vampire was feeling a bit low. I told him to drink B positive.
What happens when you go on an all-cheese diet?
You cheddar few pounds.
Why did the FBI surround the president with cows? They were beefing up security!”
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.
When it was raining yesterday, I saw a man use ketchup and I got quite shocked. It is only later that I learnt he was taking advantage of the raining cats and hot dogs.
When I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flower, my teacher said I was the perfect roll-model.
Name a rock group where none of the members sings or plays music.
Mt. Rushmore!
Whenever my wife is upset I let her color in my black and white tattoos
She just really needed a shoulder to crayon
What did the cat say when he ate the clownfish? This tastes a little funny!
How do you tell the difference between boys and girls?
Take their genes down.
I was trying to look at a picture of the ocean but kept having to reload the page, it finally worked after 5 attempts.
That was refreshing to sea.
A lot of William Shakespeare’s plays were based off of old Greek and Roman performances
That's playgarism if you ask me.