What does a hippy cherry wear to a festival? A pie dye T-shirt.
What did the goat farmer’s wife say to her husband when he was swearing on the job?
“Not in front of the kids!”
What shape is a kiss?
A-lip-tickle.
What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
What do you call 2000 mockingbirds?
2 kilo mockingbird
Why did the banana fail his driving test? He kept peeling out.
How do you know you’ve been visited by a possessed rabbit? He leaves deviled eggs.
My dentist said that my oral hygiene wasn't up to scratch, so she recommended me a new toothpaste.
Now all I need is a toothbrush.
The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
"Pancake".
I just lost a key on my keyboard
Now its all out of control.
We bee-long together.
I have no shelf control.
I painted my dog’s nails So he can look paw-ty.
Why does Foghorn Leghorn take it slow when April rolls around?
Because he’s no spring chicken!
My mom said I have no sense of direction
So I packed my bags and right
It was the pie piper who had led the strawberries to the bakery.
Happy Hour is at wine o’ clock
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
What is it called when a witch only casts spells that rhyme?
Poetry in Potion.
That’s a-may-zing!
Every time when I see a picture of something amazing in space, I usually say “That’s totally far out.”
Why did the kangaroo hesitate?
He didn’t want to jump to a conclusion.
Which Led Zeppelin song do realtors love most?
“A Whole Lot Of Love.”
No! You can't force me to shave my forearms!
I have a right to bear arms!
Be careful! Theres a deadly fruit on the loose
He has 7 charges of armed Strawbbery.
How did the witch invite the wizard to take an evening ride on her broomstick?
Voodoo like to ride with me?
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
What’s a whale’s favorite movie?
The Humpback Of Notre Dame.
Heard a joke about urinals, but it didn't make me laugh.
I guess you had to pee there.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
I've got 4 eyes, 3 legs, 1 tail, and 12 toes. What am I?
A liar.
What goes dot-dot-croak, dot-dash-croak?
Morse toad.
Crabgrass in my lawn is always fighting to prevent good grass seed from rooting...
Guess you could say I'm caught in the middle of a turf war
Why did the slice of bread leave her boyfriend? She thought that he was just too knead-y.
How many middle-hitters do you need to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but the the setter has to put it perfectly in their hand first.
What do you call someone who’s crazy about corn?
A corn-ivore!
When the past, present, and future go camping they always argue. It's intense tense in tents.
Did you hear about the guy who had an addiction to cheddar cheese?
It was only mild.
Why shouldn’t you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
What do you call a singing laptop?
A Dell.
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?
Classical conditioning.
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
In the 5th month of every year, my aunt lets her pigs in the field…
It’s mayham!
49. What does a child car play with?
Toy-otas.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
A jumper cable walked into a bar. The bartender said, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything!”
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
What kind of tea does Billy like?
Ability.
I don’t trust grey things.
They are very shady.
Why do golfers hate cake?
Because they might get a slice.