Kids and I are making burgers for my wife on Mother's Day....
I hope they meat her expectations
I’m trying to teach my son how to put the chain back on his bike but he still can’t seem to do it.
I guess it must be sprocket science.
What does a real cheese freak say when they come to your door?
“I’d like to talk to you about Cheesus.”
An owl had a sore throat but wasn't bothered.
He couldn't give a hoot.
Where does Sasquatch store his stuff while he's out on a hike?
In a big footlocker.
What kind of horse does a ghost ride? A nightmare.
Why did the skeleton go to the daycare?
To get his Kidneys.
I asked my son to go get me a phone book. He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.
The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!
Why did the artist cross the street? To crosshatch to the other side.
My wife will never forget falling asleep in the sun with her breast exposed.
It’s forever burned in her mammary.
Why are Ghosts so lonely? They have nobody to lean on.
My wife asked if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start but I made it.
How did Michael Jackson revolutionize cooking in space?
Moon Wok!
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
Which monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein.
Have you guys tried kangaroo beer?
It’s a little hoppy.
What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.
I tripped in France.
Eiffel over.
What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?
Snow and Tell
What does it take to be good at making Greek pottery?
You have to urn it.
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
"Happy eggster."
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
What kind of ice cream do pigs like best?
Hoggin Daz!
Do you always play this badly at the net? Because I don’t like your approach.
I usually sing with a deep voice. But when I wash my hands,
I sing faucetto.
If there were ten cats in a boat and one jumped out, how many would be left? None, because they were all copycats!
What do you get when you cross an apple with a Christmas tree? Pineapple.
How busy was the donuts day? It was jam packed!
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!" and I thought to myself...
“That’s just spam.”
What did the cow say to his friend when they met twice in the same day? “What a cow-incidence!”
Did you hear Ireland is the fastest-growing country in Europe?
Its population is always Dublin.
What do you call an explosive horse?
Neigh-palm.
We’re mint to be.
The navy is now taking dogs along on their submarines
They're subwoofers
I like my matches like my tennis balls: Pressureless.
What did the worm say to the other when he was late home? Where in earth have you been.
Not only did I have a good time at Taco Bell
I had a Baja Blast
My mate Gavin passed away from heartburn last week.
Still can’t believe Gaviscon
Just look, it’s the Trifle Tower
What kind of car does an electrician drive? A Volts-wagon.”
If you're in a food fight, always throw peas. We need to give peas a chance.
What do you call a dollar bill frozen in ice?
Cold, hard cash!
Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill? It ran out of juice.
You’ve stolen my heart. I hereby place you under cardiac arrest.
Why does Satan not eat the bread part of the pizza?
Because he's the Anti-Crust!
Just can't get away from my broken keyboard. There's no escape.
What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.
My local Italian restaurant is moving to Italy
They are moving to greener pasta.
Why should you bake bacon on an asteroid on its way to Earth ?
It's meteor.