Why do referees always hurry to catch their next flight? Because it's "two
minutes 'fore boarding!"
How did the shark plead in its murder trial?
Not gill-ty.
Practice safe text: use commas.
What’s a potatoes favorite horror movie? The Silence of the Yams.
I said some stubtly racist stuff to a magpie
She was a victim of my crow aggressions.
I’d like to throw away my old can, but my pusher friend here says he loves junk balls.
Berries are the most fashionista of the fruits, they can really cherry off the wildest outfits.
Why did the scientist use a drink container to communicate with dolphins?
Because a bottle knows dolphin.
How do you defeat a meat-loving vampire? With a steak to the heart!
How many atoms are in guacamole?
Avocados number.
Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?
Vowel-halla
As it snow happens.
What do you call a Greek love song?
An Aphro-ditty.
My buddy was cast in Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs, but he was still angry because he wasn't Happy.
Who has large antlers, a high voice and wears white gloves? Mickey Moose!
Who is a penguin’s favourite family member?
Aunt Artica.
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
That cola syrup is made by squeezing a kola nut.
That was soda pressing.
The comedian said a joke from the 17th century, the crowd went historical.
What do you call two octopuses that look alike?
I-tentacle twins!
What did the nut say to his girlfriend at the pine-ic? “I am nuts about you, cashew see!”
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
When a lion takes a lioness from another lion, he kills and eats any cubs she has. You'd think he'd be ashamed of himself.
But apparently he just swallows his pride.
What do you call a Spanish Goat with no hind legs?
Gracias
Come witch me to the party.
Your love is like vodka. You’re worth the chase.
As I was preparing to leave the restaurant, the waiter said to me, “Do you wanna box for your leftover food?”
I said, “No thanks, but I’ll wrestle you for them.”
I used to know two birds who excelled in ballet...
They were two toucans.
Mascara and lipstick broke up last week.
Now they are trying to make-up!
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
What do you call an imaginary yacht?
A dream boat.
Where do zombies go sailing?
Lake Eerie.
Why did the cow and the bull become so close? Because they became beef-friends.
At the end of the year, there is always a rock n’ bowl concert where everyone gets entertained.
We all know that monkeys of all species love bananas, however, there is one family that doesn’t really fancy them, the orang-utans.
How did the roommate who stole the last avocado from the fruit bowl justify her thievery?
“I know it’s wrong, but it feels so ripe!”
What’s a horse’s favorite country singer?
Colt-on Underwood.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
What did the bus say to the frog? Hop on.
What do you call it when cephalopods start becoming more strict about things?
Kraken down.
What did the skydiver say in autumn? I love the fall.
Who did the horse ask to be his second wife?
A manewer model.
Brother: "I saw a seahorse scuba diving"
Dad: "Wow that's amazing, I didn't realise they had the technology."
Wanna know a way for werewolves to howl other than the full moon?
Make them stub their toe.
Red wasn't feeling very well for the past few weeks. He has been diagnosed with scarlet fever.
What month does every tree dread? Sept-timmmberrr!
RIP to Boiled Water.
You will be sorely mist.
What’s black and white and very noisy?
A panda with a set of drums.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes?
To make them light and fluffy.
Have you heard about the restaurant that caters exclusively to dolphins?
It only has one customer, but at least it serves a porpoise.