What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with an elephant? An animal who never forgets to eat its carrots.
What is at the end of a rainbow?
The letter W.
Happy Birthday to my best spud….get it? ? Spud…bud? ?
What side does the zebra have the most stripes on?
The outside.
When I was in grade school, one of my best friends spoke Mandarin. One day, he introduced me to his parents and I told them I don’t speak orange.
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
What kind of hats does the skeleton baseball league wear?
Skullcaps.
What does a monkey wear while cooking?
An ape-ron.
"Beat it." — Michael Jackson, "Beat It"
Did you hear about the man who quit his job at a bakery? They said that it left him loathe of bread.
I know an old man who's a vampire. He's quite long in the tooth.
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
I told my boss, "Sorry I'm late. I was having computer issues."
Boss: Hard drive?
Me: No, the commute was fine. It's my laptop.
It may just be a stage I'm going through, but I sure do love the trapdoors on set.
What do snakes do when they get angry?
They throw hissy fits.
Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.
Getting lucked up on St. Patrick’s Day.
I checked my phone bill after my trip to Italy, and it said I spent DCXII dollars.
I must have left on Data Roman.
What did the pig exclaim when the wolf grabbed its tail?
“That’s the end of me!”
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
Which is a Ghost’s favourite cheese? Ghoul-da Cheese.
Where do vampire bats go to take out a loan?
To the blood bank.
There is a commonality between a thanksgiving and a bowler guest. They both love turkey.
Why didn’t the newlyweds plant any flowers this spring?
They were too busy planting kisses!
A chap sees a zebra sitting on a seat beside him in the cinema eating popcorn. He says “what are you doing here?” The zebra says, “well, I enjoyed the book”.
Oh, I thought I was playing the first round, but I guess I got a free pass. Bye.
How does a group of sea turtles make a decision?
They flipper a coin.
Did you hear about the short-sighted frog?
He had to go to the Hopthalmologist.
Which knight is the protector of foods?
Sir Anwrap
I read a bunch of news articles dealing with lightning strikes recently.
I'm trying to keep myself knowledgeable about current events.
How many sheets could a sheet slitter slit if a sheet slitter could slit sheets?
In some way, being a bowl of soup is like being a man. You are only blown when you are hot!
What do we learn from cows, buffaloes and elephants?
It’s impossible to reduce weight by eating green grass and salads and walking.
Driving behind an ambulance, I watched a box fall off the back. I checked inside and there was a foot in it, so I decided to call a toe truck.
I told my friend that our old school friend is coming to attend St Patrick's feast. She was surprised. She asked, "O'Reilly?"
Why did God create Yogi bear?
Because on his first try he made a Boo-Boo.
Happy Valentine's day.
Such a Lovely day.
What did one Jack-o-lantern say to the other? Cut it out!
Why are flamingos the happiest birds? They live with no reggrets.
You’re the cutest clover in the patch.
Why does everyone want ice cream to be on their team?
Because with them, anything is popsicle.
What do bats say to those they dislike? Good riddance to bat rubbish!
did you hear the one about the sheep in car wreck?
it was baaad.
What does a vampire do after taking a shower?
It stands on a bat mat.
What is a cat’s favorite dessert? Chocolate mouse!
The man on the table found hair in his soup. He said in rage "I will take the chef to soup-reme court".
Who’s a llama’s favorite composer?
Wolfgang Llamadeus Mozart.
What kind of music do goats listen to?
Baaa-ch!