I just caught a walking pear tree...
In my Pear Ent trap.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for icecream!
An ancient Greek walks into his tailor’s shop with a pair of torn pants.
‘’Euripides’’ says the tailor. ‘’Yeah, Eumenides?’’ replies the man.
Did you hear about the orange boxer?
He got beaten to a pulp.
What various kinds of fishes live in space? Starfish.
What do you call a male witch?
Mitch
A young man had just returned home from culinary school and was telling his family about everything he had learned.
"The most interesting thing I learned was about the French Fry", he told them.
"Combing through historical records, we found that it was not first fried in France!"
His family was astounded, and asked where it was fried originally.
"In Grease, of course."
I beg your garden?
Why do referees always hurry to catch their next flight? Because it's "two
minutes 'fore boarding!"
What do you call a cherry that is hard as nails? Tough as old fruits.
Why are there no penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
Saw a sign for bath plugs. I didn’t know that was electric!
SpaceX is launching astronauts today with a new space catapult
Bringing forth a new era of crude spaceflight.
Did you hear about the geologist who got divorced?
He was taking his wife for granite, so she left him.
Why are burgers bad at telling jokes? Because they all are cheesy.
What’s the worst thing about a bread pun?
It tends to get stale.
Why was the pig crying? Because he was boar-ed to tears.
What language do things that fly in the sky speak....
Plane english
My wife just now: Do men's ears actually work or are they just for decoration?
Me: 'What?'
What is a potato’s life philosophy? I think, therefore I yam.
A soda can, a gas tank and the Greek god Eros walked into a bar?
The bartender shook his head, “Here comes trouble.” A patron at the bar said, “What’s wrong?” The bartender replied, “Those guys get together and they become cantankeros.”
You’re right up my alley.
What kind of tree fits in your hand?
A palm tree!
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I started a job making plastic Dracula figurines but there’s only two of us in the production line.
I have to make every second Count.
"Just looking on the sunny side."
Why is six afraid of seven?
Because seven eight nine!
Which barnyard animal is a famous painter?
Vincent Van Goat
There was a knock at the door this morning. I opened it and there was a wash basin on the doorstep.
I thought, "I'd better let this sink in."
Took a tour of Pisa, Italy...
Tour guide said “Hello, my name is Eileen.”
Why don’t giraffes make good pets?
They’re too high maintenance.
What do fruits look for at a talent show? A berry that can really cherry a tune.
Suzie Seaword's fish-sauce shop sells unsifted thistles for thistle-sifters to sift.
My wireless keyboard isn't working
I guess I need to re-pair it.
Why do youngsters like pelvic bones so much?
Because they're hip.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite rap artist?
Feta wap.
What do you call a fake Nokia? A phone-y of course.
Why cant a mosquito stand on his feet?
because they dont have mosquiTOES.
While breaking up with Princess Peach, Mario said "You are so peachy, I can't take it anymore".
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
The oranges have great eyesight because they always keep their eyes peeled.
That wide loaf has a decent bread-th. Nice.
Brother: "I saw a seahorse scuba diving"
Dad: "Wow that's amazing, I didn't realise they had the technology."
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Q. What happens when a gorilla has a melt down?
A. He goes absolutely bananas!
What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married?
Feyonce.
Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager managing an imaginary menagerie.
Visitors are Doolin over these gorgeous views.
Did you hear about the zombie after-school club?
It's dead in that place.