Q. Which kind of cheese is made fom deer milk?
A. Moose-erella.
Astronauts can't open milk bottles in space. 'In space, no one can. Here, use cream'.
What do llamas always reply when you thank them?
No probllama.
Why did Van Gogh become a painter? Because he just didn't have an ear for music.
What do you call an onion that is very sick and has a high temperature? It is a boiling onion.
I went to the store today and bought some really oddly shaped eggs.
Now I can't find them. I think they've been mislaid.
Are Earth and Moon good friends? Yes, they’ve been going around together for many years now.
Why did the man bring a gun to the clock factory?
To kill some time.
I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
Which legend lived in a shack? Was it Eddy? No, Ma-hovel-ich!
The baby strawberries were berry upset when they heard that both their parents were in the jam.
When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".
I took all the punctuation marks off of the judge's keyboard.
I expect a long sentence.
Why is the chef so mean?
He beats the eggs.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights
My neighbor planted dogwood trees in his front yard.
I’m not a huge fan of the bark.
Why did the Pilgrims sail to America?
It was too far to swim.
How do Yetis tell the time?
With a sasq-watch.
I didn't want to have brain surgery but I had to.
I guess it changed my mind.
The forecast said that we’re in for a hot summer; better make sure I watermelon everyday or else the yard will dry up.
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights.
When the ghost saw his wife he said 'you're not just cute, you're boo-tiful too!'
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?
They were using fowl language.
It is only late August, yet the leaves are already turning brown. Autumn came early this year. Orange you glad?
Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.
Why shouldn't you be too inquisitive with a cherry? Ask no questions tell no pies.
The scientist time travels between summer and winter using his autumn-mobile!
What do you say when you go to a dinner with a bunch of osteopathologists?
Bone appetit!
Q. How do you make a sasquatch, a yeti, or a bigfoot laugh?
A. Tell it a gorilla joke!
I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex...
He's a small arms dealer.
If Russia attacked Turkey from behind do you think Greece would help?
What was the most popular dance move in the colonies in 1776?
Indepen-dance.
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
Who carries out operations in a river? A sturgeon.
What do you call someone who lost her Marital arts tournament?
Divorced.
What did the lighter color shade tell to its dark lover?
I want hue
What do you call a guy that has good manners, bad hygiene, and an affinity for word play?
PunGent.
Is tea with additional salt
Salt-tea?
Why did the zombie go crazy?
He had lost his mind.
How do you make a milkshake? Give a cow a pogo stick.
It's Taco Night, so on my way home, I grabbed a bag of shredded cheese at the store, queso we needed some more.
.
I used to hate peas. I like them now, I just make sure I think of them as 'o's.'
Why don't quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage? Because they produce audible groans!
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
I tried to give the guy who came to clean our septic tank out a beer. He said, “I’m not the type of guy who drinks on the job.”
I said, “Yeah, you wouldn’t want you’re boss to catch you sh*t faced.”
It’s pretty easy to choose your favorite type of bird
Flamingos have a leg up on all the rest.
The weather man said there won’t be any rain for 6 months, but I drought it.