I know a guy who had both arms amputated from elbow to shoulder.
He is always serious and never humerus.
I've been on a real hummus kick lately, so as I came home from work tonight, my sister says to me "You're always bringing home hummus now." To which I replied, "Hummus where the heart is!"
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
Why did the farmer buy a brown cow?
He wanted chocolate milk.
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
Ruthless.
What do you call ten arctic hares hopping backward through the snow?
A receding hare line.
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
What do you get if you cross a pelican and zebra? Two streets further away.
Your presents is requested.
To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.
I'm going to cashew.
How will you save yourself if you come across an aggressive alien? Give him some space.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
What did the Ocean say to the shore?
Nothing. It just waved.
How do old witches get good bargains?
They hag-gle.
What Kind of Books do Rabbits Read? Ones with Hoppy Endings.
What do you call a berry that plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity!
What do you call fifty penguins at the North Pole?
Really lost. (Penguins live in the Southern Hemisphere)!
I saw my neighbor, slumped over his lawnmower, crying his eyes out.
I think he’s going through a rough patch.
Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
A dyslexic witch cursed me!
Now everything I touch turns to glod, an increasingly disgruntled gnome.
The best holiday for you to go bowling is thanksgiving because you will get turkeys.
You’re brew-tiful!
There is a Giant Screwdriver attacking the city. Please seek shelter immediately. This is not a drill.
What did the cactus wear with their suit?
A cactie.
Why was the big white tiger angry with his other Siberian tiger friend? Because he bleached him while grooming.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
Away from their official duties, soccer players love dancing at a soccer ball.
What do you call it when there are two nuns in a drum circle?
a conundrum
Why was red in awe of orange?
“Because orange blue green.”
We all know that monkeys of all species love bananas, however, there is one family that doesn’t really fancy them, the orang-utans.
What did the baseball glove say to the ball?
Catch ya later.
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.
What do the lady pigs say when someone leaves the toilet seat up? “Hoof-orgot to put the seat down?"
The local baker keeps punching his doughy friend because he wants to get a rise out of him.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin?
Gourdgeous.
What do you call a skeleton who lies?
A phoney-ba-boney.
I went to a Halloween party wearing a pie shell and carrying a shepherds crook.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" "I'm a spy" "A spy?. What kinda of spy wears a pie costume and carries a crook?"
A shepherds spy.
I hope for world peas.
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
My mom is a metalurgist
I asked her the other day: "Which metal do you prefer to work with? Gold or silver?"
She said: "Either ore."
Nobody would ask the strawberry to go to the prom because it was past her sale by date.
What do you get if a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
Whichever gator stole all the food, we'll catch the crook-a-dile.
Why do computers make such bad boxers?
Their bark is worse than their byte.
What did one paint say to another when they got in an argument? Don't use that tone with me.
Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.
What's the difference between a bipolar person and a loft full of lemons?
One's a bit erratic and the other's a bitter attic.
The Little Mermaid shouldn’t be named Ariel
She should be named Nautical!