The fungi turned down seconds at dinner because he never had mushroom.
What did the cowboy say when his dog ran away?
Now wait just a doggone minute.
What do you do with a wardrobe door that is slightly ajar?
You clothes it.
Dogs can't see your bones.
But catscan.
What happened when a bat misbehaved in night school?
She got suspended.
I was testing the speaker phone on the intercom on our landline with my father yesterday.
It started to make that annoying noise. My old man said it was too close to call.
What do you call an bat with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
Lots of peas work as spies. Espea-onage is very common.
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
Why did Billy make a bunch of snowmen to be his friends?
Because he wanted to hang with the cool kids!
What's a camel's favorite part of a meal?
Desert!
I saw a lion in a bar, trying to pick up a lioness literally half his age
and I'm like "man, you must have *no* pride"
Computers can be very good at golf because of their hard drives.
What do zombies say to their sweethearts?
- I chew-s you.
How did the pine propose to the apple? With a pineapple ring.
You know you are getting older when the candles don’t fit on the cake.
What is the color of the wind? Blew!
What did mamma orange say to little orange after he spilled his milk? It’s no big peel!
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
What did Train say when they visited a sibling in South Korea?
Hey, Seoul Sister!
The tiger came went to the salon. Now, other animals of the jungle call him 'Shaved Khan.'
Why did Tarzan spend so much time on the golf course?
He was perfecting his swing
According to a geologist, why is the world so diverse? Because it's made up of alkynes of people.
Where do killer whales go to get their braces?
The orca-dontist.
What candy is only for girls? HER-SHEy's Kisses!
Did you check the news? There was a Radon the chemical store.
The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad, it was tearable.
If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what does an onion do? Keeps everyone away.
What does a drunkard's mouth and a shirt have in common?
They are both 100% cotton.
The soup that she cooks is so thick that the kitchen would go around when she stirs it.
Great news! I'm a movie director now! I gave stellar directions to a very lovely family on their way to the theatre.
Why does a cow hate artificial milk? Because the substance is pow-dairy.
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
What do you call a potato that smokes weed? A baked potato.
An artist painted a wonderful fruit painting. It was a beautiful peach of work.
Why was the crow so angry after his stand up comedy gig? The venue paid him in coffee instead of caw fee.
Why can't the bankrupt Hindu complain? He's got no beef.
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.
Where do bus drivers eat their lunches? In a traffic jam.
"I'm nuts about you."
A man started wearing a blanket to the office.
His colleagues began to suspect he was working undercover...
Whats green and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's finger! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
Couple of friends have decided to put theatre style seats in their house. It will end in tiers.
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
How many Winter Park ski instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to screw it in, and two to say, "Nice Turns, Nice Turns!"
Keep calm and leprech-on.
Ed Belfour's new contract offer isn't high compared to other goal tenders.
What do you call 2000 mockingbirds?
2 kilo mockingbird
What do you do if you spill maple syrup all over your keyboard?
Just turn off sticky keys.