A mosquito can fly, but a fly cannot mosquito.
I bought a bunch of antique spears online, but they arrived without their spear heads.
I got shafted.
A man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head.
The bartender asks, "Why have you got a fried egg on your head?"
The man replies, "Because boiled eggs fall off."
What do elves learn when they go to school?
The elf-abet.
Where do you smart hot dogs go?… On the honor role.
What all kinds of stars wear the sunglasses? The movie stars.
When the pig had a quarrel with his wife, he ended up having a gilt trip.
Why are cherries unassuming? Because they often get made into humble pie.
"I just want some peach and quiet!," said the orange.
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
There was so much crackling on the line, I thought a pig was disturbing the phone.
What do you get if a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
Crows go to get their shopping at Cawst Co.
What did the arirst say to his friend who was stressed? Don't worry, paintbrush it off.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum
What’s green and mean and stabs you when you hug it?
Cactus
I bought a wig for a dollar...
It was a small price toupee.
A french farmer who owned an olive plantation had a huge fire
He was extremely sad, he had lost his all his huile d'olive.
It is not really much about how you bowl, but instead how you roll.
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
I love you a tot!
A trip to Ireland always lifts my spirits.
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
I asked my Italian grandfather if the rougher parts of Italy were called the spaghetto.
His look was pasty.
Defeat in soccer is only bitter if you swallow it.
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
My new Halloween cookies are bringing everyone back for more!
I call them boo merginues.
What is a terrorist's preferred kind of wine?
White Infidel.
What’s a hen’s favorite type of movie?
A chick flick.
It doesn't matter if my wife tells me Im not mature
Im not going to let her enter my tree house without the right password.
Busy buzzing bumble bees.
I’ve always been a trucker, but recently I applied for a job at Microsoft. I’ve heard they’re always looking for more drivers.
I know tons of dad jokes! Here’s one
1.
“What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.”
Why do communist hate bacon?
Because it’s from capitalist pigs.
My friend has an insect parasite that can't stop fidgeting as it sucks blood.
He has a nervous tick.
Did you hear that the list of famous vampires had a startling omission?
They forgot to Count Dracula!
Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Yes, it is February 14th
What drink do goalies hate? Penal-tea.
What do you call a cow that plays the violin?
Moozart.
What did baby corn say to Mama corn?
Where's Popcorn?
Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk,
It is one of the few animals that can make its own custard.
The umpire kept answering his phone during the softball game.
He said he didn't want to miss any calls.
I accidently sprayed deoderant in my mouth
Now every time I speak I have a weird Axe Scent.
Wife: I’m sick and tired of your obsession with golf!
Husband: Why, is it driving a wedge between us?
What did the bus say to the frog? Hop on.