What do you call a pig who can’t mind his own business?
A nosey porker!
What do you call 3 knights in a relationship?
Polyarmory
Why were the kids throwing flour and bread at their school? They wanted to rise to the occasion.
What is a Ghost’s favourite film? Paranormal Activity.
What do you call a giant that's good at football?
Goaliath.
My wrists hurt whenever I drive to work with my co-workers and we go through a tunnel.
I think it's carpool tunnel syndrome.
What do chocolate, men, and coffee have in common?
They’re only good if they’re rich!
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
What’s black and white and as hard as a rock?
A panda that’s fallen in cement.
How do beavers make a bouncy dam? Well, they use spring water.
What would a self deprecating wardrobe say?
"I hate my-shelf"
"Stop and smell the rosé."
What was the most popular kids' movie in Ancient Greece?
Troy Story.
If you don’t properly seal the lids on your spice rack...
You’re going to have a bad Thyme.
ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.
What do you call a horse running on a table?
A counter canter.
What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a python."
"Oh you can’t get round me like that, you know."
Did you hear about the bear with the bad heart?
It went into kodiak arrest.
My doctor told me "No more spicy food.", but I decided to have one last fennel fling.
Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery
But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!
Why did the action potential cross the optic chiasm?
To get to the other side.
What do you call a cherry that is hard as nails? Tough as old fruits.
Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp-wanted section.
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England...
... guess you could say he sleighed it
Are you a big fan of beef? I am. In fact, I could eat it until the cows come home.
If volleyball were easy, they would call it football.
What kind of croc hangs out in back passages around town?
An Alley-gator.
You can catch a lot of flies with honey
But you'll catch more honeys being fly.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
How did the swim team manage to pay for new pool renovations?
They pool-ed their resources!
Why do birds fly south in the fall?
Because it’s too far to walk.
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
What do kittens wear? Dia-purrs!
I keep looking at our upstage platform that is designed with only a ladder for access. It's just so hard not to stair.
I saw a sheep covered in plastic
It was lambinated.
What a werewolf movie, talk about howling!
Why don't matches play baseball?
Because one strike, and they're out.
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I Lava You!
A gazillion gigantic grapes gushed
gradually giving gophers gooey guts.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad to see me?
What do frogs do with paper?
Rip-it.
I don't know what Dracula's address is, but I'm pretty sure he lives on a dead end street.
What is a car’s favourite bug?
A beetle.
You might be startled to see a hamburger working out in your local gym. Don’t worry, they’re just there because they want better buns.
The mountain got promoted because he was at the peak of his career!
How did the wife know her mountaineering husband was cheating on her? She caught Himalayan about it more than once.
What do elephants drink on vacation?
Peanut coladas.
What hairstyle did Moses get at the hairdressers?
A middle parting.