Why couldn’t the equestrian find the carrots? They were down by the bay.
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
A few years ago, I had a job translating pre-Classical Greek literature into Braille.
It feels like ancient history.
Why are bad knitters and Christmas trees alike? They both drop their needles.
I told my friend that our old school friend is coming to attend St Patrick's feast. She was surprised. She asked, "O'Reilly?"
My girlfriend was seasoning the soup. I asked, "What spice is that?", and she replied "Sage".
I said, "Sounds wise".
What do you call a really happy ant?
Exuber-ant.
Why was Officer Peanut Butter out in the road? Because he was directing a traffic jam.
What was the most popular kids' movie in Ancient Greece?
Troy Story.
What did the fish say when he posted bail?
I’m off the hook!
The book on Mount Everest was super interesting because it had so many cliffhangers.
Excuse me waiter, I have a question about the house salad.
Does it come with window dressing?
How do you make an apple turnover? Push it down hill.
Why was the cow always exercising? To build up its moo-scles
What do you call a cow that only produces almond milk? One that went nuts.
Why did the penguin cross the road?
To go with the floe!
How do knights communicate?
They use chain mail.
There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky
This much is plane to sea
My family visited a rude psychic, with degenerative bone disease, who insisted all of us had bad breath.
She was a super callous fragile mystic expecting halitosis.
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
Why did the sponge wake up early?
To get the moist out of the day.
Why do you never see owls being affectionate in the rain? It's too wet to woo.
I woke up this morning and saw two birds sitting in the sun in my backyard, eating ice cream.
They were Basking Robins.
I’m a clover, not a fighter.
The dentist said that he could knock me out with gas, or he could use a big metallic rock.
I said ether/ore.
What do stylish kangaroos wear?
Jumpsuits.
It's getting hard to zinc of new science puns because so many of them argon.
What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole? A Hot Cross bunny.
What do you call a very smart bunny? An egghead.
Why does Mr. Potato Head have a mobile?
In case Mr. Onion rings.
How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Nobody knows because no-one ever watches the conductor.
Where do beavers keep their money? Well, they keep it in the riverbank.
I swear I saw one of those mythical creatures somewhere in the bush; but when I came back, it was uni-gone.
What is a strawberry's favorite music band? Pearl Jam.
[Chips] This is what I call a chip shot.
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets.
What did the werewolf say when he sat on sandpaper?
- Ruff!
What type of onion can't hold in moisture?
A leek.
What’s the best time of year to break out the trampoline?
Spring-time!
What kind of dinosaur works for the police? A trisara-cop.
What is a beaver's most favorite drama series ever? Riverdale.
I dare you to lie that you didn’t find all these space puns hilarious. Th
The sweet potato asked the other potato : “How are my eyes? ”
You’ve stolen my heart. I hereby place you under cardiac arrest.
"I like a man that can pull off facial hair."
I think your supposed to use a razor.
Why did the duck detective get the key to the city?
Because he quacked the case.
Why did the deer go to the spa?
“To doe off some steam!”
Who needs luck? I have charm.
Why did Mrs. Wine Grape run away from home?
She was tired of raisin a family.
Why don’t snakes drink coffee?
Because it makes them viperactive.