Why can't a brain be 12 inches long?
Becuase then it would be a foot.
The Secret Service surround the President with twelve cows because they were attempting to beef up their security.
"I'm nuts about you."
“I am hungary.”
“Maybe you should czech the fridge.”
“I’m russian to the kitchen.”
“Is there any turkey?”
“We have some, but it’s covered in greece”
“ew, there’s norway I’d eat that!”
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns.
Whale, hello there.
What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
Fission Chips.
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
How did the kittens express their love for each other? In Holy Catrimony
The feds were on a global hunt for a cow who was known to hide behind foliage. They finally located her in Moss-cow.
The collective noun for kangaroos is a "troop". What is the collective noun for cars?
A Lot
What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.
How do you share a piece of cheese with a bear?
Caerphilly.
"Rosé all day."
What did the coffee say about its late assignment? Better latte than never.
Where do dinosaurs get their mail ? At the dead-letter office!
My late father once said
Sorry I’m late.
What kind of pole is short and floppy?
A tadpole.
I was supposed to play the trumpet
But I blew it.
Apples are red. Grapes are blue. Pineapples are sweet. And so are you.
What did one paint say to another when they got in an argument? Don't use that tone with me.
The wind is following a new workout program. It’s called air conditioning.
What happened when the pun misbehaved in school?
He was pun-alized with detention!
What does a cat say when it gets injured? MeOWWW!
Dad has a pet snake that eats the grass in his yard.
It's a lawnboa.
Eat, drink and be rosemary.
I like big punts and I cannot lie
Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.
Mermaids can be quite mean. Salmon had to say it.
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
A bowl of salad went to church
Lettuce pray.
Pennies and quarters rain from the sky
"Wow!" I say. "It's climate change!"
During holidays, soccer referees send their families yellow cards.
I have so many Easter puns, it’s not even bunny.
Why are crows so interesting?
Just beCAWse
What’s black, dangerous and hides in trees?
A crow with a machine gun.
Brace yourselves kids!
Our dentist is shutting down.
Snow thank you.
The perfect name for a sad and morose strawberry is a blueberry.
Why was the potato put in an asylum? It was starch raving mad.
When I was young, my dad used to throw quarters at my head whenever I acted up.
He said, “Maybe this’ll knock some scents into you.”
Don't give up at this stage, just keep cawing on, you will do great.
Where do elves vote?
The North Poll.
I’ve been working on my poop art recently...
It’s pretty sh**.
What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white? Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.
Ah! The element of surprise.
Have a s-mash-ing birthday!