There are two reasons why you should never drink toilet water.
Number one. And number two.
I should change my name to Billy and get a job as a radio show presenter.
Then I can finally be a Billy-on-air.
Your shirt must be made out of husband material.
What is the trees favorite fruit? Pine-apple.
Why did one melon break up with the other melon?
“He didn’t know water problem was.”
Why are the electricians always up to date? Because they are ‘current specialists.
Why do fish swim in schools?
Because they can't walk.
What do you get when you run behind a car?
Exhausted!
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
Why does a horse’s hair always look so good?
She mane-tains it.
My son asked me where the pan was.
I told him, naturally, it went on a wok.
“How was your day? ” “It was a total disas-tater”
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot.
It caused immense pain to ma toes.
How do you get into an all glass China cabinet?
Sorry, that's glassified.
What do you call a zombie in pajamas?
The sleepwalking dead.
What did the orange say when a knife pierced it’s peel? Flesh wound.
Our local winery recently starting using a flock of sheep to keep the grass from getting too long.
At least that's what I herd through the grapevine.
A crab didn't help his friend,
he's shellfish.
Live to tell the tail.
What do witches put on their hair? Scare spray.
What's slimy cold long and smells like pork? Kermit the frogs finger!
What does a ghoul say when they wake up?
Gaaarrrh I love the smell of ghoul in the morning!
God made rainy days, so gardeners could get the housework done.
The cat’s out of the bag – I love you purry much.
Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?
Because he took a leek!
Why wasn’t the giraffe invited to the party?
He was a pain in the neck.
You're one in a melon.
What is the most popular valentine among nuts? The one that says “I’m nuts for you.”
What's the wind's favourite colour?
Blew
I listenend to the football game on the radio. It was being broadcast on a catholic satellite radio station.
So I tirned to my dad and said, "That's weird. Football isn't even that religious of a sport!"
My dad replied, "Nope. Lacrosse is!"
Why did the zombie go to the doctor?
Because of his coffin.
What did the introverted pig say when asked why they don’t like socializing?
“I’m not a people porcine.”
A pig and a horse walk into a movie theater.
The horse didn't feel like buying popcorn so he brought some hay. A theater employee saw him and said. "Are you sneaking outside food into the theater?"
The horse said "nay."
The pig squealed.
I almost brought a screwdriver to the football game, but was stopped by security
They said that match-fixing isn't allowed.
My friend bought a different toothpaste this time...
It was a nice change of paste.
What do you call a goat that’s lazy?
Billy Idle.
Last year, when I went to Texas, I met this very polite and gentle onion. Its name was the Texas supa-sweet onion.
Why did the horse climb Everest?
She liked mount-ains.
What do you call a fish that floats on the surface?
Bob.
Slightly disappointed that the makers of the shampoo, "Head and Shoulders" have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he likes cool music...
What do you call a book on underwater gardening?
A self-kelp book.
What is at the end of a rainbow?
The letter W.
A guy walks into the bar.
It's hardly surprising he didn't make the steeplechase team, on reflection.
It is not uncommon for elephants to start a stampede. Especially if they want to play for the Chargers.
What is a con artist's truck towed with?
A pickup line
When the defender was put in the box for spearing Jaromir Jagr, he
complained "but it was only a poke-Czech!"
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
What did baby corn say to Mama corn?
Where's Popcorn?
What blood type does a pessimist have?
B Negative