What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog.
A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.
What is the easiest way to make a banana split? Cut it in half.
Why did the chimpanzee cross the road?
Because he had to take care of some monkey business.
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
How do you know you’re in love with a flower?
Not a daisy goes by where you don’t think of them.
I feel like I have seen that ghost before...I must have deja boo.
We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
I'm reading a romance book in Braille.
I don't think I'll finish. It's too touchy feely for me.
What do you have left after a pig eats a watermelon?
Pork rinds.
Did you hear about the person who watched too many Shrek movies?
He ogre-dosed.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
All right, everyone, that’s enough! Gno more games!
Did you hear about the Irish potato that immigrated?
He became a French fry.
Which type of dinosaur could jump higher than a house ? Any kind! A house cannot jump!
Which nut is worth the most?
A cash-ew.
What do you call an ear with no eyes
No-eyed ear
How does a rude princess sit on a horse?
Snide-saddle.
What did one ocean say to another?
Nothing, it just waved.
What did the mitt say to the baseball?
Hey baby, you're quite a catch.
What is the worst type of blind people?
The Notsees.
What did the wife beaver say to her astronaut husband? You are otter this world.
Don't drink too much coffee after breakfast. You might face a latte problems.
A lemon says to an orange, “What are you up to?”
The orange replies, “Not much. Just hanging ‘round.”
How much do you love rainbows? Just a skittle bit.
When does a farmer dance? When he drops the beet.
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
Why do fish like worms?
Fish like worms because they’re hooked on them.
Gnomes can be quite annoying when they’re indecisive. All they say is yes, gnome, maybe.
Did you hear about the birds of prey on black Friday?
It was a free for owl.
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
What do you call a cold dog?
A pup-sicle. Better steer clear, especially if he’s fur-ocious… don’t want him to give you frost-bite.
The hotdog severely fell behind in school which is why he has to ketchup.
Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock?
Because it's a little meteor.
What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.
When milking a nervous goat, you should use kid gloves.
What vegetable did King Arthur pull from the stone?
Exparagus.
My wife said the stretch marks on her legs looked like lightning bolts...
So I said, that's because you have thunder thighs.
What’s a potato’s favorite TV program? Starch Trek.
Where do monkeys go to drink?
To the monkey bars.
How does a bear get from one place to another?
On a bear-o-plane.
Why do physics professors prefer overweight students?
They have greater potential.
What do you call a basin full of denim?
A gene pool!
What is a dog’s favorite pizza topping?
Pup-peroni.
Why are coyotes howling in the night?
Because they can only see the cactuses in the day.
I was hiking with my friend in the woods and bear attacked him
It was unbearable to watch
Why did you guys not laugh at my space puns? Because there way to Sirius.
Why should you never expect perfection from geologists?
Because they all have their faults.
“Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soots him.”