Q: Why did no one like peach’s personality?
A: Because it had a heart of stone.
My girlfriend and I saw an inflatable gorilla In front of a jacuzzi store
She asked me why they would do that for a jacuzzi store. I told her it was a guerilla tactic. She was not impressed.
What do you call a quiet sheep?
A shhhhhhh-eep.
What does a pizza say when it introduces itself to you?
Slice to meet you.
There is always a first time to everything. For instance, when you take a mushroom either for lunch or dinner, you will be amazed at how magical it is.
What was the Peach's favorite surf band from the 60's? The Peach Boys.
How did Dr. Frankenstein pay the men who built his monster?
On a piece rate.
Why is a river an amazing roommate?
He just likes to go with the flow.
Why do volleyball players love to swim? They like diving in the deep and then floating in the shallow.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
Why are parrots so good at improvisation? Because they know how to wing it!
I have no idea how to raise chickens.
I think I’ll just wing it.
There are so many forms of martial arts, it’s hard to keep track of.
Kind of.. Kung Fusing
Why is spring a great time to start a gardening business?
Because it’s the season when you can really rake in the cash.
What do you call a cow that only produces almond milk? One that went nuts.
Before I became a dad, I was terrified I wouldn't know how to be a good one. Oddly enough, it turns out, it's in my blood - I come from a long line of fathers.
Crossbows are great, but they have their drawbacks.
What happened to the cat that went to the flea circus? She stole the whole show.
The ocean doesn't like to say hello, it just waves.
How do Santa’s elves go to different floors in the North Pole toy workshop? They use the elf-avator!
Q: How does an artist fill in a CV?
A: He draws on experience.
I installed a sky light in my apartment.
The people upstairs were not happy at all.
What can't cows stand on their hind legs?
Because they lactose.
Why didn’t the flower get to go out on a second date?
He was a garden variety.
What do chic evergreens wear for cruelty-free fashion? Faux fir.
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
What kind of apple isn't an apple? A pineapple. What did the apple say to the apple pie? "You've got some crust."
What is a cat’s favorite kitchen tool? The whisk-er.
Tne thing you won't catch a vampire ordering in a restaurant is a stake sandwich.
I'm so Midwestern, it's in my blood
I'm type Ohp!-ositive
Which English royal family was the smartest?
The Tudors.
If you plant a light bulb in your garden, does it grow into a power plant?
What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.
You are like my dentures.
I cannot smile without you.
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
I asked my Spanish girlfriend to make a to-do list
so she wrote down everything.
What is a computer's favorite animal?
A RAM.
I made some fish tacos last night....
But they just ignored them and swam away.
What kind of fish do skeletons like to eat?
Carpals.
What type of underwear does a yard wear?
Lawngerie.
Why are trees such great thieves? They really have sticky fingers.
I ate the exam paper
Which means that sooner or later I will pass the test
What did the river say to the beaver? You look so tide'y.
Why didn’t sin and tan go to the party?
Just cos.
I guess you could say that things hit by tornado's are blown up.
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd!
What's black, white, purple, yellow and blue? Sugilite, opal, and sardonyx fighting over a gumball.
I went into the library and asked for pint of milk. The librarian said 'this is a library'. So i whispered 'I'd like a pint of milk please'.
A book fell on my head. I can only blame my shelf.
Are you a big fan of beef? I am. In fact, I could eat it until the cows come home.