The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
Did you hear about the zombie who was expelled from school?
He kept buttering up his teacher!
Why did Iron Man sleep outside when it rained?
To get some rust.
What type of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane Chocolate!
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!”
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
Never argue with Pi, it's irrational.
I thought about making a new condiment that was a mixture of Ketchup and Mustard.
But then I decided the name KetchTard would be pretty MustUp.
What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus!
Spending time at the pool really floats my boat.
Where do fish sleep? In the riverbed.
What does a hippy cherry wear to a festival? A pie dye T-shirt.
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
I don’t understand why ear biting is a fetish
Almost everyone eats corn.
Double bubble gum, bubbles double
What has 18 legs, spits a lot, and catches flies?
A baseball team.
People call my obsession with the afterlife, suicidal. Truth be told,
I'm dying to find out if there is life after death.
How do you know a car is a good price?
If it is a Ford-able.
What’s gray, squeaky and hangs around in caves?
Stalagmice!
How do you reply to an email about someone freaking out at the Los Angeles International Airport?
Re:LAX
I’m feelin’ pine.
What is a basketball players favorite kind of cheese? Swish cheese!
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite year?
A leap year.
Basketball players manage to remain cool even during tough matches because they stay closer to the fans.
If athletes can get “Athletes foot”, what can astronauts get? Missile Toe.
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
What happens to romantic trees on Valentine’s Day? They get all sappy.
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
There is a specific type of cats who love to go bowling. They are known as alley cats.
Why is the world so diverse? Because it contains alkynes of people.
Q: What do you call a really violent fruit?
A: A peach breaker
I wish they’d change the scoring system, but tennis is set in its ways and doesn’t see the point.
Has the abominable snowman called?
Not Yeti.
Dwayne Johnson is studying his family history
Is that Genealogy or Geology?
Q. Which Greek eggplant dish do deer really eat up?
A. Moose-aka.
What’s a vampire’s favorite cocktail?
A Bloody Mary.
How do you know if you are dealing with a smart zombie?
They are wearing helmets!
All the grasses were bumping into each other because the grass-light wasn't working in the streets.
What do you call it when worms take over the world? Global Worming.
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter? Pi a'la mode.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
What did the kangaroo say about the man who kidnapped her joey?
Stop that pick-pocket!
What is a flower’s favorite Journey song?
Don’t stop be-leafing.
What did one Viking war paint say to the other?
Poly, you're a Thane.
When the theatre owner dies, his visitation hours are as follows: 1pm, 3pm, 6:30 pm, 9pm, and midnight.
What are the two most profane bones in the human body?
The blasfemurs.
What did the flower say when he saw his date?
I think you’re dandy, and I’m not lion!
What did one cactus say to the other cactus ?
"Lookin sharp !"
What does a cheese say when they look in the mirror in the morning?
Halloumi.
Salami get this straight - you don't like meat puns?!