I didn’t want to play it safe with a skeleton costume, I want people to know I have guts.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime mates.
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
What did the rainwater say as it ran off the road.
Grate.
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?
Classical conditioning.
What's the best advice to give to a young baseball player?
If you don't suceed at first, try second base.
After I helped a peach with some work, she said, "I really ap-peach-iate your help!"
Why are geologists so good in school?
They take nothing for granite.
One of my friends got lost while touring Tokyo. Turns out it was all Ja-plan.
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
I wrote a song to memorialize the man killed when a piano fell down a mine shaft.
It's in A flat minor.
The wolf crossed the road because it was chasing the chicken.
Why do comedians often start their act with peanut butter jokes? They love to warm up the crown by spreading the laughter.
Pink is the early bird of the rainbow colors, it's always the first to rose and shine.
You can never make a crumble with just 3.14 strawberries because that would make a pi.
Live to tell the tail.
A dung beetle spent an entire day rolling a ball of dung up a hill, only to have it fall down to the other side...
Needless to say, he lost his sh*t.
Newscaster Dad: And now, here is John with the weather.
Weatherman: It’s Jim, actually.
Newscaster: My apologies. Here’s John with the Jim.
It's really easy to learn white water kayaking
You just go with the flow.
Gold riddance.
Jellyfish and peanut butterare sea turtles favorite sandwich.
What type of music should you play at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Sham-rock!
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?
Linoleum Blownapart.
"The Full Moon is a natural furnomenon," said the werewolf.
Why are snails allowed on ships?
Escargot.
I always wondered why the watermelon loving librarian never touched any of the books; turns out she’d red them all.
Where do mathematicians like to party?
In bar graphs.
How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!
When you cross a train engine with a strawberry tart, you make a puff pastry.
What does it take to become a zombie?
Dead-ication.
I like dillos, but do not support giving them guns.
I would never armadillo.
That rainbow is so neat, it must be professional gradient.
What to give your favorite electrical engineer for his birthday?
Shorts.
I got a pear stuck in my toilet. All I needed to do was flush and it was gone.
Because a flush always beats a pair.
What do you call an eye specialist with a short shirt?
A crop-toptometrist
Officer: “I’m sorry sir, it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck.”
Me: ”Yeah I know, but she’s got a great personality though!”
What goes in dry and comes out wet. The longer I'm in, the stronger I get.
Why was the Whale bank heist so successful?
Because it was a whale orca-strated plan
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum
I heard they sent a beer into space, destined to leave the solar system. They called it Interstella Artois.
If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and leave, it could spell disaster.
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
What kind of cake do you get at a cafeteria?
A stomach-cake!
Last week, I met someone who specialized in the studies of shrubs and grasses. He called himself Neil De-grass-y Tyson!
When I wrote the history of cheese for our term paper in school, our History teacher said it was grate.
Shamrocks and shenanigans for all!
What kind of ice cream do pigs like best?
Hoggin Daz!
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!