When does a sloth go "moo"? When it is learning a new language!
My dad just told be a cool joke about drums
I thought I’d snare it with you guys
What’s a corn farmer’s favorite animal? The unicorn.
Who is the most famous actor in Greece ?
John Travolta.
What did the astronaut cook for lunch? An unidentifiable frying object.
It's Taco Night, so on my way home, I grabbed a bag of shredded cheese at the store, queso we needed some more.
.
The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.
It was a vile inn.
My pink bird friend got dumped a while ago. He was sad for a while, but now he’s singe and ready to flamingle.
How does a bee travel to a tree? They get on the buzz.
I'd tell you about a girl that eats nothing but vegetables,
but I'm sure you've herbivore.
What do you call someone with Yellow hair on the beach?
A beach blond.
What do you call a monkey with a banana in each ear?
Anything you want, he can’t hear you.
Had to replace all the bulbs in the side table lamps. Then I had to replace the ones in my ceiling fan.
That was the highlight of my day.
Normal Zombies: BRAAINNNNSSS!!
Vegetarian Zombies: GRAAINNNNSSS!!
Body Builder Zombies: GAAINNNNSSS!!
Plumber Zombies: DRAAINNNNSSS!!
Conductor Zombies: TRAAINNNNSSS!!
Weatherman Zombies: RAAINNNNSSS!!
Boil ’em, mash ’em, stick ’em in a stew. Happy Birthday from me to you!
What do you call two beautiful cat that sit together in the basin?
Purrfectly in sink.
How do fleas get from place to place?
By itch-hiking.
I gave someone directions to a theater today
I guess I am a movie director now.
What do Vikings call the people that cut their hair?
Barberians.
What happened when the onion tried to cross the bridge guarded by Gandalf? Gandalf shouted, "You shallot pass this bridge!"
My sister asked me to hand her lipstick but i handed her a glue stick instead
She still won’t talk to me
What did the deer say to his friend during their night in the woods?
This is so much fawn!
Did you hear the one about the statistician.
Probably.
What do mummies like listening to on Halloween? Wrap music!
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
Why do pandas have fur coats?
Because they’d look stupid in denim jackets.
How come an owl turns his cell phone off at night? So he doesn't get any hooty calls.
Why did the Green Giant lay down in the field?
So he could Rest in Peas.
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
I’m fondue you.
My local Italian restaurant is moving to Italy
They are moving to greener pasta.
What was the most popular kids' movie in Ancient Greece?
Troy Story.
How did the beaver build the insides of a dam using logs? He logged in.
If you want to ask someone to borrow their peas, you have to say pea-lease.
What do they play at the beginning of a car movie?
The trailer.
I recently got told ketchup doesn't actually use tomatoes
But I can't find a reliable sauce on that.
You must be a bowling ball since you’re right up my alley.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite candy?
Lollihops.
What kind of humor did the Founding Fathers partake in?
Dad jokes
What do you call a Blind Dinosaur's Dog? Do-ya-think-he-saurus-rex.
What did the lobsterman say when his crate turned up empty?
It a-piers we have a problem.
Why are 40 romans funny?
Because they are XD.
"If you want to pass this point alive, you must answer my riddle: What goes on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon and on three legs in the evening?" the Sphinx asked.
Oedipus pondered for a moment, "Probably one of those new Pokemones," he finally replied. "There is like 600 of them.
"Fair enough man," spoke the Sphinx. "I can't reasonably expect you to remember all their names. You may pass."
What happens when a frogs car breaks down?
It has to be toad away.
My computer crashed and I lost all the notes I'd saved for the book I'm working on called "1,001 cures for itches."
I guess I'll have to start again from scratch.
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Where do sheep go to get their hair cut?
The baa-baa shop.
What did the patient with the broken leg say to their doctor?
Hey doc, I have a crutch on you.
If Santa made love to a pickle, what would they call their baby?
Claussen.
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!