What part of the military do zombies serve in?
The marine corpse.
Have you ever tried crossing a lion with a flamingo? It will be pink, that’s the mane thing.
Young Billy had to mail a loaf of bread at the toast office today.
What do you call a dinosaur who sat on a cactus?
A megalo-sore-ass.
Have you heard about some bones on the moon? Looks like the cow couldn’t make it after all.
Why was the baker in a serious panic? He thought that he was in a loaf or death situation.
What does a French beaver call his dam? Ma'dame.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
Have you heard of the story about the campanologist without arms?
Doesn't ring a bell.
Ideally, the cost of a bowling game should be ten pinnies. However, with inflation, the price always goes up.
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
What did one orange say to its friend telling a wild story?
“That’s un-peel-ievalbe!”
Does a green candle burn longer than a pink candle? No they both burn shorter.
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
What happens when Bigfoot gets lost in the fog?
He is mist!
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.
Did you hear about the extremely serious gorilla?
He didn't monkey around.
My wife asked me to help her apply mascara...
It was an eye-opening experience.
What do the ducks have for dinner? They have Quackers and soup.
Fall is coll-arding; it’s time to leave.
Where can you find a golfer on a Saturday night?
Clubbing.
Why didn’t the koala bear get the job? He was underkoalafied. How did he fix this? By going back to koalage.
What did the fawn say to warn her friend about the haunted house?
“Don’t go deer!”
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.
A car carrying bank robbers and a truck carrying cement collided yesterday. Police are now searching for hardened criminals.
"Time to wine down."
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.
What do you call a lineup of food with lots of garlicky dishes?
Buffet the Vampire Slayer!
Live to tell the tail.
What do chickens grow on?
Eggplants.
The beauty with bowling is that you can get three strikes, but you still remain in the game.
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
What does a panda use to cook his pancakes?
A pan duhhhh!
What nut is always begging for attention?
Pssst-tachios.
What happened to the skier who was injured the the top of the peak?
It's been all downhill from there.
Why shouldn’t you let advanced math intimidate you?
It’s really as easy as pi!
Q: Where do fruits like to go on vacations?
A: To the peach.
What is a cat’s favorite state of America? Connecti-cat.
What do you call an evil cow?
De-mooooon.
"Hey, dad, there's a leak in the sink. Should I call the plumber?"
"No silly, just put it in the fridge!"
There are three things verbose realtors find most important:
Loquacion. Loquacion. Loquacion.
Why do farmers make terrible comedians?
Their jokes are corny!
My wife is always telling me I shouldn’t stick Q-tips so far in my ear
At least that’s what I think she was saying.
What do we call two birds that are in love?
Tweet-hearts!
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
What did the steak say to his girlfriend? You're the apple of my rib-eye!
Have you heard about the street performer who does his act in the middle of a storm?
It's mime blowing.