One of the historical figures to play music with has got to be the talented Mr. Ben-jam-in Franklin.
What is a pirate’s favorite’s fish?
A pirates favorite fish is a swordfish!
How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in.
Why do bacon lettuce and tomatoes have the lowest IQ out of all the foods?
Because they're in-bred.
What did the duck say when the waitress came?
Put it on my bill.
My son was injected with poisoned blood from a person from Finland
He said "I am finnished."
Which legend lived in a shack? Was it Eddy? No, Ma-hovel-ich!
What happened when the snowgirl had a fight with the snowboy?
She gave him the cold shoulder.
Did you know that a Squid’s esophagus goes through its brain?
Food for thought, isn’t it?
I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit, upon a slitted sheet I sit.
I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport puns.
I think it may be terminal
Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette. They call it “Nico-tang”
What do you call a mythical being working in a smoothie store?
Mejuicea.
What do you call someone who owns a boat dealership?
A Sailsmen.
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
In the night, a visitor came past my igloo. It was a yeti!
Not sure who left the other cooler, but thanks!
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
Did you hear what happened when the decorator painted his wife with cheese? He double Gloucester!
Someone left their tea on my desk. It smells so good, but I won't drink it. That's just not my cup of tea.
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
Anyone who is born in a car and dies outside is known as car born die oxide.
What do you get if you cross a tree and a baseball player? Babe Root.
Why do birds fly south in the fall?
Because it’s too far to walk.
I would talk about Valentine’s Day
But it looks like I missed my date.
How did the witch feel about using her broom to do housework?
She bristled at the suggestion!
Did you hear the story about a Golden Retriever who brought a ball back from miles away?
It was far-fetched.
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
What is the head of an Italian dinosaur family called? Ptera Don
What is yellow and goes bzzzzzz? An electric banana.
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
Did you hear about the zombie who was expelled from school?
He kept buttering up his teacher!
Why did Iron Man sleep outside when it rained?
To get some rust.
What type of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane Chocolate!
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!”
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
Never argue with Pi, it's irrational.
I thought about making a new condiment that was a mixture of Ketchup and Mustard.
But then I decided the name KetchTard would be pretty MustUp.
What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus!
Spending time at the pool really floats my boat.
Where do fish sleep? In the riverbed.
What does a hippy cherry wear to a festival? A pie dye T-shirt.
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
I don’t understand why ear biting is a fetish
Almost everyone eats corn.
Double bubble gum, bubbles double
What has 18 legs, spits a lot, and catches flies?
A baseball team.
People call my obsession with the afterlife, suicidal. Truth be told,
I'm dying to find out if there is life after death.
How do you know a car is a good price?
If it is a Ford-able.
What’s gray, squeaky and hangs around in caves?
Stalagmice!
How do you reply to an email about someone freaking out at the Los Angeles International Airport?
Re:LAX