A fly feels a bug on it's back. "Hey bug on my back, are you a mite?"
"I mite be !!" giggles the mite.
"That's the worst pun I've ever heard" groans the fly.
"What do you expect?" says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly. "
eople say they never get hungry at the beach
That’s because there’s sand, which is everywhere.
One should never mix oranges in apple juice. Well, perhaps you may do it once in a blue moon.
Why shouldn't you kiss anyone on January 1st?
Because it's only the first date
What do you call the Greek version of Spider-Man?
Pita Parker.
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
What's all wet and likes to shake? It's an earthquake on a rainy day.
Where in the World Can You Find the Highest Concentration of Engineers?
Antarctica! Because that's where all the P. Enguins are!
Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette?
“They call it “Nico-tang”
I saw a friend of mine named Ella sit down to eat a fillet of salmon. As she lifted the fork to her mouth I screamed NO DON’T EAT THAT!
When she asked why I responded “you’ll get salmon-Ella!”
What do bats say to those they dislike? Good riddance to bat rubbish!
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.
Aliens hate playing golf in space as there are too many black holes!
The United Nations gave its members a basket of peaches on 21 September - the International Peach Day.
What do cannibals eat for dessert?
Chocolate covered aunts.
What did the baby mouse do when she saw a bat?
She ran home and told her mother she saw an angel
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a leaf blower? A hare dryer!
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
Why should you be careful not to insult a crocodile?
It may come back to bite you in the butt.
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
What do you call it when cephalopods start becoming more strict about things?
Kraken down.
How Rudolf you to say that!
Rivers are...
the original streaming service.
Why did Paco's girlfriend not want to kiss him?
She was afraid of the a-Paco-lips.
Why did the egg go to school?
To get egg-ucated.
What does a cheese lover say when someone keeps messing around with them?
“You gouda brie kidding!”
You know what's cool about chemistry?
Endothermic reactions.
I went to the shooting range for the first time, but I couldn’t get my gun to fire
I had to read the trouble shooting section in the manual
Q: Why did the tornado take a break?
A: Because it ran out of wind!
A woman asks her neighbor, "Can I borrow your lawnmower?"
Her neighbor says, "No, he's not home yet"
Why was the nice guy such a lousy baseball player?
Because he never got to home base.
Why do Ghosts make such good company? They are full of spirit.
The only type of cookies a cookie monster loves to eat during Halloween is Ghoul Scout Cookies.
Wondering about a peach's favorite sci-fi novel? It's 'When You Peach Me'.
Cut a piece of poo into three pieces today.
Now I have turds.
Is a mountain goat a hillbilly?
What do you call a militia of pigeons?
A coo.
Where do fish sleep? In a river bed
What do skeletons complain about?
Aching bones.
What did one hillbilly say to another? I got a new fly rod and reel for my wife. Best trade I ever made.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, I bet this chair lift weighs enough to break the ice.
Which fish can perform operations?
A Sturgeon.
What did one cheddar cheese say to the other cheddar cheese at prom?
Looking sharp!
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite game?
Jump rope.
What kind of plant generates the most energy? A power plant.”
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
Why do zombies only date intelligent women?
They just love a woman with brains.
I aorta tell my wife how much I love her.