Did you hear about the koala bear in the church choir? Yeah, they say he sings bearitone.
What did Russian do after they made the vaccine ?
They Put-in.
I followed my heart to you.
Its ok to kiss a nun....
But don't get into the habit.
I almost brought a screwdriver to the football game, but was stopped by security
They said that match-fixing isn't allowed.
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
Why did the pony turn himself in?
He felt rem-horse.
What do you call it when it rains ducks and geese?
Fowl weather.
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
I was straining some old noodles but eventually, I chickened out. It was such a broth-er.
The flock of crows that were sprayed with sewage was a true definition of murder most foul.
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs lying on a pile of leaves?
Russle.
Doofus was the stupidest of Roman generals.
My milk found all these jokes to be pretty fun. He said they were a-moo-sing!
What’s a farmer’s favorite piece of furniture?
a COWch.
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A piiig!
What kind of tests are witches given in school?
Hex-aminations.
Why was the pine tree always in trouble? It kept being knotty.
Q. Where can you view sculptures and paintings created by deer?
A. At the art moose-seum.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then just hung up.
I am getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
I'm currently dating a famous soccer player. He's so loving and caring towards me.
He's a keeper.
What did the snowman order at Wendy’s?
A Frosty.
I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.
Why did the skeletons form a rock band?
They wanted to “Rattle them bones”!
Did you hear that the Lemon and the Orange divorced?
The Lemon was very bitter.
Two sodium atoms are walking down the street. Suddenly one says “Oh, my God, I’ve lost an electron!” The other says “Lost an electron! Are you sure?” and the first replies “Yes, I’m positive!”
My wife asked if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start but I made it.
Sherlock Holmes was doing some gardening, Watson asked what he was planting. He replied “A lemon tree, my dear Watson”.
What did Snow White call her chicken?
Egg White.
So engineering school is really hard.
I'm not doing so hot in thermodynamics.
Why aren’t dogs good dancers?
Because they have two left feet.
What is the only time you start at the red and stop at the green?
“When you eat a watermelon!”
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a hyena?
A monster with a sense of humor.
I was arrested at the airport. Just because I was greeting my cousin Jack!
All that I said was "Hi Jack", but very loud.
What is a bear’s favorite soda?
Coca Koala.
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
Did you hear about the guy who got his left arm and left leg cut off?
That’s okay, he’s all-right now!
Q. What do biologists call an insane stag that's out running amok?
A. Deer-ranged.
My hair was acting crazy so I told it to comb down.
You have goat to be kidding me.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite holiday?
A. Ape-ril Fools Day!
What’s the difference between a punter and punster?
A punster gets his kicks with bad puns like these!
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
My son asked me how often planes crash
Usually just once
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
"Hey there, hop stuff."
What's green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels.
If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what does an onion do? Keeps everyone away.