I heard there are some fires near Greece
We’re gonna need a lot of baking soda.
You’re brew-tiful!
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
I got a pear stuck in my toilet. All I needed to do was flush and it was gone.
Because a flush always beats a pair.
Where did the mermaid go on a date?
She was catching a movie at the dive-in.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.
It was the pie piper who had led the strawberries to the bakery.
Why does a duck say quack?
Because it can’t say moo.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian pharaoh with a mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man.
Q. What is another name for elk diarrhea?
A. Chocolate Moose.
Did you know that the soldiers at Arlington salute their new Jack-o-Lanterns every Halloween?
They always honor the changing of the Gourd.
I knew a guy who gave away his art but he only seemed to paint ducks with incomplete faces.
I asked about it once and he said "I like to bill them later."
Snow thank you.
Where do Russians get their milk?
From Mos-cows.
Did you get to meet the tallest vampire in the world? People call him Count Everest.
What does Satan shave with?
A hell razor.
How do you know the moon is going broke?
It's down to its last quarter.
Q. Where do gorillas get their gossip?
A. From the grapevine.
What does a biologist wear when they're going out?
Designer genes.
What do you call an old snowman?
Water.
What did the therapist say to the angry client when their cell phone battery died?
I suggest you find an outlet!
What is a cactus’ favorite MC Hammer song?
Can’t touch this.
Why are volleyball players always so blameless? They always pass the blame and try to avoid faults.
Where do naughty rainbows go?
Prism
What do you get if you cross a ski instructor and a vampire?
Frostbite.
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s see salt.
Mushroom puns are the best for any occasion. They are very portabella.
How do you know a flmaingo has stolen your shoes?
Only one shoe is missing.
My theater group is writing a sci-fi thriller about classical musicians.
I'll be Bach.
What did the beaver tell the tree? It has really been nice gnawing you.
I gave someone directions to a theater today
I guess I am a movie director now.
Did you like my HTTP 200 joke?
It was OK.
I've been hitting the bottle pretty hard recently.
Still can't get the last of that ketchup out.
Why did the Beatles stop inviting Ringo to Thanksgiving?
Because he wouldn't share the drumsticks.
What did the deer say to his friend when he suggested a trip to the park? Good i-deer!
Why does the fairy kingdom smell so awful?
Because of all the toad stools.
What do we get when we cross a pineapple and a pig? We have a porky – pine!
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
What key has legs and can't open doors? A Turkey.
Why does Avogadro like Cindy Crawford?
She's his favorite super-mole-dle (and she has a mole).
Why did the man eat the light bulb?
He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.
The peach sports organization rended a commercial peach for a game of peach ball.
I’ll think of another pun soon…
Just bear with me.
Why don't pets make good astronauts?
They're afraid of the spay station
Do you need some encourage-mint?
What does a drunkard's mouth and a shirt have in common?
They are both 100% cotton.
How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana? Try picking it up. If you can't, it's either a monster or a giant banana.
What's a hen's favorite shipping company?
Federal Egg-spress.
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
Don't get tide down.