A lady stormed off when I asked about her hand bag.
Maybe the question was to pursonal.
Last Thanksgiving, I cut my hand with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law grabs my bloody wound and starts twisting it. I screamed, “Ouch! What are you doing!!”
He said, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut.”
Did you just hear that perfume bottle talk?
I think it's becoming scentient.
Did you hear about the forgetful unicorn mom? She kept feeding her kids milk of amnesia.
My friend built an aromatherapy vaporiser with a built-in brain scanner
Seems a bit out there, but makes scents when you think about it.
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
Why could the Italian Chef not unlock his car?
He had Gnocchi.
Why did the bat walk in her pijamas to take a bath?
Because she did not have a bat robe.
Did you hear what happened to the girl who twisted her ankle in the cow’s pen? She was milking her injury!
Why did the beaver cross the river? To get to the other side of the river.
How do you draw flies?
With a pencil!
A friend of mine told me he’d give me a radio that had no batteries. I think it’s a wind-up.
What vegetable did King Arthur pull from the stone?
Exparagus.
What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing?
Au revoir.
I'm so glad our Billy inherited his mother's intelligence
...and I got to keep mine.
I just learned how to speak parrot.
I just learned how to speak parrot.
What kind of chips do you eat in the bath?
Shower cream and onion.
Mother knows best, and when winter comes, Mother Nature snows best.
What month always asks questions and permission?
May!
What do you call a medieval siege machine that throws flowers?
A trebouquet
I invented beach footwear for people with one leg.
It was a flop.
What has four legs and goes Oom, Oom?
A cow walking backwards.
Why did the Ghost turn down the job? He could not see himself doing it.
There are good and bad times to buy a flamingo. Bad times are when they’re expensive, the best times are when they’re cheep.
Round and round the rugged rock the ragged rascal ran.
What’s a spiders favorite barbecue food?
Corn on the cobweb.
A man struggled to cut up his dinner. His wife asked, “what’s wrong, hunny?” The man sighed, and said:
“This knife just isn’t gonna cut it.”
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Why can't redheads be in blues or jazz bands?
They got no soul.
Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?
Because they're so full of mummies
Are there any funny red wine puns at BabaMail Jokes?
You bet Shiraz there are!
What do you drink if you want to freshen your breath? Mint-Tea.
I left my laptop outside on the picnic table, and when I came back, the keyboard was covered in ants...
...It took a while to herd them together but I finally got them all under control.
Dracula is vegan, he can't take any risks. One stake could kill him.
Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend? Because his friend said dinner is on me.
My wife hates the colour of her hair...
She's dyeing to change it.
I've started a Taco Bell themed John Coltrane cover band.x
We're called Crunchwrap Supremex
What kind of money do elves always use?
Jingle bills!
What type of cat belongs to the baker? One that’s pure-bread
What is the proper name for the ghost of a buffalo?
A booffalo.
Catherine and Peter performed great in 'Dancing with the Tsar'last night. But Ivan was terrible.
Why should you never break up with a goalie?
Because he is a keeper!
Irish cuisine is stew-pendous.
You make miso happy.
Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.
Q: How does a tiger move a boat?
A: He uses roars.
Why couldn't the Bard seduce the Gelatinous Cube?
Because cubes are platonic solids.
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
I've finally started to believe that Pluto is not really a planet...
Especially when I saw him in a cartoon.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."