I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
What is a popular videogame for young utensils?
Fork Knife.
Why are skeletons so good at chopping down trees?
They're LUMBARjacks!
History. History. Did I just rewrite history?
The IT peach-guy is an expert in the field of peach synthesis.
What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gater.
Have you ever tried crossing a lion with a flamingo? It will be pink, that’s the mane thing.
I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
Broccoli: I look like a tree. Walnut: I look like a brain. Mushroom: I look like an umbrella. Banan Can we change the topic?
My father is a farmer who grows strawberries. However, his business has recently gone into liquidation after he made smoothies.
Who has large antlers, a high voice and wears white gloves? Mickey Moose!
What is the name of the knight that spreads all the rumors and news of the court and the king amongst the people? Sir Culate.
There was a fight at the fish restaurant last night.
Two haddock got battered.
The watermelon thief was charged with robbery with violence, but the judge later changed that to a minor felony; or melony as he put it.
Don’t worry, Moher pictures are coming.
Hey summer, long time no sea!
Which violation do ghosts get called for the most in basketball?
Ghoul tending.
I bought a larger sink with a built in subwoofer.
My current one doesn't have enough basin.
Why are bones so calm?
Nothing gets under their skin.
How is it that elephants are always ready for a swim?
They never forget their trunks!
What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.
What color sheet did the ghost wear on the 4th of July? Red, white, and boo.
My electrician friend accidentally blew the power to the ice-making factory. Now they’ve gone into liquidation.
How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?
Ten-tickles!
when I smelled breakfast in the morning it was bacon me eggcited.
What do you call a dog from the Wild West?
Clint Eastwoof.
Did you hear about the gnome city that doesn’t let humans through the gates? They call it Gno-man’s-land.
What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
What do you get if you cross a werewolf and a pet dog?
A terrified postman.
Ugh.. I ate too much hummus..
And now I filafel.
Why did the Mexican train robber rob the train?
Because he had a loco-motive.
Softball is just like baseball
Except the tactics seem more underhanded.
Dracula is vegan, he can't take any risks. One stake could kill him.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it was mugged.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
Why can’t I ever win a game returning serve? Give me a break.
How do blind folks buy homes in hot markets?
Sight unseen.
I decided to add a water fixture to my backyard...
... it's going well
I'm making a new documentary on how to fly a plane.
We're currently filming the pilot.
Organ donors really put their heart into it.
Where do American trees like to go for vacations in Canada? Montreeal.
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
What do you call a cow that plays the saxophone? A blues moo-sician.
What did the dinosaur say to his lover?
You make my heart saur!
Working on lab science animals is a real rat race.
Did you guys hear about the airplane that dressed up for Halloween?
It was in disguise.