What do you call a bullet proof Irishman?
Rick O'Shea.
What type of blood does a keyboard have?
Typo.
Why did the gardener need a cork?
Because his garden sprung a leek!
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
Have you heard about the movie that involved haunted dairy items? I believe it is called Paranormal Activia.
How do ponies react when the opposing team comes on the field?
They horse-boo.
What is a ghosts favorite soup? Scream of Broccoli.
Where does a fisherman go to get his hair cut?
The fisherman goes to a bobber shop!
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a watermelon by it’s diameter? Watermelon PI.
After I show a peach the way, it says: “I really ap-peach-iate your help!”
Woman’s Rejection: Sorry. I don’t date guys I pit-y
Why did the cantaloupe jump into the pool?
“It wanted to be a watermelon.”
Why did the telecommuter quit her job? Because talk is cheap.
I knew a guy who gave away his art but he only seemed to paint ducks with incomplete faces.
I asked about it once and he said "I like to bill them later."
What do you call a kangaroo sanctuary?
A kazoo.
What do you get when you cross a dog with a calculator?
A friend you can count on.
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a bell?
An alarm cluck.
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
Due to bad weather, I won't be attending the Meteorology Convention.
I'm gonna take a rain-check.
My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times
Why will you never meet an ice cream workaholic?
They know how to chill out.
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
Birdie birdie in the sky laid a turdie in my eye.
If cows could fly I’d have a cow pie in my eye.
What kind of insect is bad at football?
A fumble-bee.
If you speak Hebrew and life gives you lemons...
You're an acidic Jew.
A doctor walked into an exam room to see a patient with carrots sticking out his ears and broccoli up his nose.
The doctor said: “I can tell right away that you haven't been eating properly."
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
Why did the bus driver stay out all night? He was 'driving' around town!
Why did the pig break up with her boyfriend?
Because he was a boar.
I’d like to buy a catamaran or a yacht.
I’d like to get the best of boat words.
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
Why don’t skeletons do well at sports?
Because they have no skin in the game!
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
You’re my lucky charm.
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
What do you call a clever ant?
Brilli-ant.
Where do killer whales go to get their braces?
The orca-dontist.
Looking after more than one elephant at a time requires the ability to multi-tusk.
How did the apple tree get the job? It had the right qua-leaf-ications!
What’s a zombie’s favorite toy?
A dead-y bear.
What did the kitten do when she wanted to order something? She looked in the cat-alog!
Why did the bat walk in her pijamas to take a bath?
Because she did not have a bat robe.
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
What does a tiger say to his friends before eating a meal? "Let us prey!"
Why did the Vikings not have high doorknobs?
Because of Loki.
What's a frog's favorite candy?
Lollihops.
What do you get if you cross a snake and a pig?
A boar constrictor.
Crabgrass in my lawn is always fighting to prevent good grass seed from rooting...
Guess you could say I'm caught in the middle of a turf war
What do people with ambition drink? Loft-Tea.
How did the pony get the bugs away?
It said, horse-shoo fly, don’t bother me.