Why do horses make good lawyers?
Attention to de-tail.
Why was the girl staring at the carton of orange juice?
“It said concentrate.”
Why do bananas have to wear sunscreen?
Because they peel.
When do you know a joke is a dad joke?
When the punchline is a parent.
Why did the computer come with airbags?
In case it crashed.
I wanna tell a joke about a girl who eats plants.
You've probably never heard of herbivore.
What is a skeleton’s favorite thing to do with their cell phone?
Take skelfies.
Why should you be careful not to insult a crocodile?
It may come back to bite you in the butt.
For the last few Sundays, I have been receiving an onion pun in the mail. I don't know who is sending them. Guess it is onionymous.
Hardcore programmers will agree that neither of them would use AC because they all prefer to open windows.
Mr. Tongue Twister tried to train his tongue to twist and turn, and twit an twat, to learn the letter "T".
What do u get from a perverted apple? Hard Cider.
If I could change the periodic table, I would put Uranium and Iodine next to each other.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
What kind of luggage did the vulture bring on the flight?
Carrion.
What did James Bond’s mom say as she was giving birth?
"I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond."
How could you tell the horse was getting old?
It was wither-ing away.
What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.
Did you know you can fit 30 bananas in a kangaroo’s pouch?
Also, I’m not allowed at the zoo anymore.
What do you call the first person to kill someone with a gun?
First person shooter
How do you defeat a meat-loving vampire? With a steak to the heart!
Q. What haapens if a gorilla sits on your piano?
A. You get a flat note.
Why was Van Helsing so dedicated to killing Count Dracula?
Because he staked his whole reputation on it!
What do we learn from cows, buffaloes and elephants?
It’s impossible to reduce weight by eating green grass and salads and walking.
Did you hear about the gnome cop?
He works in lawn enforcement.
Why do cows think cooks are mean?
They whip cream.
The tree got so tired of fighting with autumn, that he said, "Enough is enough! I'm leaf-ing".
How do bats line up in school?
In alpha-bat-ical order.
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with an elephant?
An animal that remembers where it hid its nuts.
What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.
One of my mother's friends asked if she could be a surrogate
I guess she was just looking for a womb for rent.
What did the dog groomer say to her dentist?
I clean my canines every day.
How does Bigfoot stay in shape?
It does Sas-squats.
Why doesn’t Sweden export its cattle?
It wants to keep its Stockholm.
Why did the blonde stare at the carton of orange juice? It said concentrate.
Did you hear about the psychic hermit crab?
Makes shell-fulfilling prophecies.
What is the coldest type of horse?
A freezian.
Beat funny horse puns
What’s a horse’s favorite makeup brand?
Neighhhbelline.
Time to celery-brate.
How does a bear stop a movie?
They hit the paws button.
Away from their official duties, soccer players love dancing at a soccer ball.
How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.
What do red berries say during the season they love best? Cherry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
Would you mind watching my pet parrot while I’m out, as long as it’s not too much of a birden?
I like bowling.
Seriously, it’s right up my alley.
Wanna hear the mountain joke?
nah you won't get over it
The nurse always carried a red pen in her pocket in case she needed to draw blood.
Sleigh, what?!
My dog went on his first date.
But she was a mal-TEASE.
How do we know Peter was a rich fisherman?
By his net income.
Two candies had a beautiful wedding. They were truly mint to be