What happened to the men who lost their lettuce?
I don't know, but apparently they lost their heads.
I have so many Easter puns, it’s not even bunny.
Why is a Tornado the best type of football player?
Because it always gets touchdowns.
Where do computers go to dance?
The disk-O.
Which country do sheep go on vacation? The Baaa-hamas.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, was it Red Bull that gave you wings, or are you just an angel?
I went to an English camping party with some vegetables. We stayed in a tea-pea.
What’s it like to kiss a vampire?
A real pain in the neck!
I’ll try to keep it brief, but I have so much to Marseilles about France.
How do yetis stay regular?
They always know wendigo.
You are one candle closer to starting a house fire.
Was there a spark between Frankenstein and his bride?
Yes, he simply couldn’t resistor.
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I am very disappointed.
What do cows like to eat for lunch?
Moo-shroom soup
There those thousand thinkers were thinking how did the other three thieves go through.
How many prison guards does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None they just beat the room for being black.
What do you get when you cross a parrot and a shark?
A bird that talks your ears off.
What cheese should you use to hide a horse? Mascarpone.
What do runners eat before a big race?
Fast food.
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
What did a viking said to the other after a dad joke?
Aesir what you did there.
A carrot went to a football game.
Wonder who it was rooting for.
What do you call an evil cow?
De-mooooon.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
Many people seem to believe that warm water droplets get cooled fast and form fog. It's a mist-conception. Someone should de-mist-ify it.
What do you call a gorilla wearing headphones?
Anything you'd like, it can't hear you.
Have you heard the fast gladiator that was a tumor covered in dough?
He was a Roamin' Tumor Roll.
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
Last Christmas, I got my sister a build-it-yourself medieval fort. She wasn't very happy with it, but my mother reprimanded her by saying that it isn't the gift, but the fort that counts!
I aorta tell you how much I love you.
I have no shelf control.
What do deer always use to clean their homes?
Comet!
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
Do you know what the favourite soup of a ghost is? It is the Scream of Broccoli.
I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.
Got my friend an unnecessarily large rocket for bonfire night.
He's over the moon!He's over the moon!
Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.
What do you call an onion that keeps on jumping up and down? You call it a spring onion!
The police officer only had soups for dinner. He was a soup-erintendent.
What do you call a freezing bear?
A brrrrrrr.
Some call them opponents. We call them victims. It sounds like you have the right mindset to succeed on the court!
Did the dinosaur take a bath ? Why, is there one missing?
The interesting the about engineering Toilet Paper.
It's an a-ply-ed science.
What did Michael Jackson say to his chess opponent?
“It don’t matter if you’re black or white.”
What is a car’s favourite colour?
Racing car green.
Have you ever been on a party boat?
It’s a Yacht of fun.
A round of Santa-plause, please.
What is John Lennon's favorite donut? Strawberry' Filled Forever.'