Did you hear the terrible rumor about the volleyball player? That’s what she set!
I saw a strawberry with a gun, robbing a man. I am guessing he was in a jam.
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
Have you ever had a dream about a bear eating you?
I call them bite-mares.
Breakfasts with my family always feel like a party because they're always making toasts.
Q. Why couldn't the gorilla run in the marathon?
A. Because he's not part of the human race!
My mother asked me if my dog was good
I said “Yeah. And my hot dog isn’t bad either.”
A jumper cable walked into a bar. The bartender said, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything!”
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
During the pandemic, all the children asked to draw pictures of the different types of grass. The children had to submit their grass-essments online.
I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.
Q: What do you call an angry pea?
A: Grum-pea!
Saw Humpty Dumpty shopping for Halloween supplies.
He's going to have a great fall.
Old astronomers got so tired of waiting for the sun to go down, that they decided to pack it up and call it a day.
Why does the fairy kingdom smell so awful?
Because of all the toad stools.
The French real estate agent was very upset when their new listing was destroyed.
He said it was chateau-strophic!
Why did the two slices of bread disappear in the middle of the night? They wanted to e-loaf together.
A beaver goes into a bar and sees a man standing behind the bar and asks him...
"Excuse me sir. Is the bar tender here?"
Broccoli: I look like a tree. Walnut: I look like a brain. Mushroom: I look like an umbrella. Banan Can we change the topic?
What kind of ghoul has the best hearing?
The eeriest!
A guy walks into a crow bar
It's a murder scene
Sips getting real.
A lion would never play golf.
But a Tiger Wood.
A new car has been launched especially for American cowboys
The Audi Partner.
What do you call the story of a poor witch that just became a millionaire?
Rags to witches story.
Where was the first donut cooked?
In Greece.
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle.
Did you know Rolf Harris was a talented violinist as a child?
Yeah, he was a mean kiddie fiddler.
Which bat can hang the highest and longest?
The acro-bat.
The oranges have great eyesight because they always keep their eyes peeled.
What would happen if pigs could fly? The price of bacon would go skyrocket.
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
What do you call a werewolf with a fever?
A hot dog.
When can 3 elephants stand under 1 umbrella and not get wet?
When it’s not raining.
What do you give a panda when it is sick?
Pandadol.
Q. Why are orange jokes so dumb?
A. Because oranges are afraid to concentrate.
What do you drink with the Queen of England? Royal-Tea.
What would you call a steak that leaped off the table and ran away? Fast food, of course.
Q: What did the mummy say to the zombie?
A: Quit ragging me out!
Getting my toy drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
What is a three toed sloth's favorite kind of chip?
Fritos.
What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together?
CSI.
Why are spiders such great volleyball players? Because they have an amazing topspin.
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
It’s party thyme.
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
What kind of facial hair should a sea captain have?
A boatee.
What do you call a giant gorilla with pean u t butter in one ear and Jam in the other?
Anything you want, he's not going to hear you!
I hear you like wine, too. Grape minds think alike.