I boiled a funny bone once.
It turned into a laughing stock.
The sweater I bought recently kept picking up static-electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
What do crocodiles wear to keep their legs dry in the water?
Gaiters.
The fruit teacher taught figures of peach in today's class.
How can colors be used to predict the weather?
By their huemidity.
There’s a suspicious email going around, with the subject line “Canned meat.” Don’t open it, it’s spam!
My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will.
When I took them to be valued, I was told that they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius. Sadly they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.
Where did the nut keep his money?
In his cash shoe.
I bought my rabbit a fancy new hutch. But he doesn’t seem to carrot all.
What did the Dalmatian say when he finished his meal?
That really hit the spot.
A man has been arrested in South Africa for shooting a giant chess set
What's wrong with those big game hunters?!
Cassini spacecraft took pictures of both Saturn and Earth. It was literally the best of both worlds.
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
When my girlfriend told me she needed time and distance, my heart almost stopped,
Fortunately, she was just calculating velocity.
Excited executioner exercising his excising powers excessively.
What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?
Snow and Tell.
What’s a spiders favorite barbecue food?
Corn on the cobweb.
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
Why couldn’t the fish watch YouTube?
He couldn’t stream the video.
You are in my heart, my mind, and in my entire body.
In fact, my doctor says that you must be a parasite!
The plumber was working on the side to become an artist.
Unfortunately, he couldn't find a faucet for his creativity.
I accidentally went to bed with my contact lenses in the other night.
My dreams have never been clearer.
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
Piiig
What do you get if you cross a new born snake with a basketball?
A bouncing baby boa.
What did the deer say to his sulky friend?
“Buck up!”
What is a polar bear’s favorite snack?
Brrrrrittos.
Q. Which kind of deer has a serious drinking problem?
A. The elk-oholic.
Did you hear about the keyboard that lost it's Period Key?
He was missing the point.
Onions are great gymnasts as they have the advantage of swinging on the onion rings.
My wife bought me a scalp massager for Christmas, but I couldn't figure out what it was.
Turns out it was a real head scratcher.
Why did the banana fail his driving test? He kept peeling out.
The only type of cookies a cookie monster loves to eat during Halloween is Ghoul Scout Cookies.
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man.
We’ll need protracturtle in our next lesson since the topic will be angles.
What's a bee's favorite hairstyle?
A buzz cut.
This book of spells was useless. The author forgot to run spell check.
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
What do you call it when a dinosaur gets in a car accident? Tyrannasaurus wreck!
Got the drive-thru girl at Taco Bell..
I pulled up and she said, "what can I get you?" And I replied, "I'll just have a moment for now."
What did the vegan wear to the beach?
A zucchini!
What does a deer say when it prays to the god?
“Deer God!”
A werewolf that is confused on what to wear is not a dumb one, instead it is a what-to-wear-wolf.
What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds? Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
What do you call a parrot that won’t eat?
A Polly-no-meal.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.
The frequency of bad physics puns on this category...
It hertz.
What did the nectarine say after the church service? The peacher gave a great sermon!
I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around eventually.
What is a computer's favorite animal?
A RAM.
I feel thankful for having you as my gym buddy and lover.
Our relationship is really working out.