Why did the computer spy get fired?
She couldn't hack it.
Where do crabs and lobsters catch their trains?
King's Crustation.
Why was the king only a foot tall?
Because he was a ruler.
Q. What do they call the gorilla marathon runner who only wins when it's pouring outdoors?
A. The raining chimp-ion.
What did Santa name his dog? Santa Paws!
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.
Where do bats keep their money? The blood bank!
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
How do you know if milk is expired? The smell is dairy bad!
The art teacher encourages her students to move in the light direction.
What do you call a sausage that's been to the doctor? Cured meat!
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling.
I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport puns.
I think it may be terminal
What did the thunderstorm say to the lightning rod?
You'll never catch me, copper!
What is a cheese lover’s favorite rap artist?
Feta wap.
What do you call a very tall cherry blossom tree in Italy? The leaning flower of Pisa.
I've just been to court accused of sniffing the skins of vegetables and fruits.
I got off on a peel.
Why did the deer go to the spa?
“To doe off some steam!”
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
Q. How do you start a letter written to Sears Roebuck?
A. Deer Sirs..
Wife: I’m sick and tired of your obsession with golf!
Husband: Why, is it driving a wedge between us?
What did one frog say.to the other?
Time's sure fun when you're having flies.
Do you know how the pineapple feeds her children? She gives them milk from her pinenipples!
Why did the bat fire a chauffeur?
He drove everyone batty.
Why was the skeleton scared of the baby?
Because he was an ankle biter.
I put some desks and a whiteboard in my living room today.
It made it look a little more classy.
What's an albino crow called? A caw-casian.
I surprised my friend as she was trying to steal another spine from a corpse...
She was takin' a back when taken aback!
I went to the shooting range for the first time, but I couldn’t get my gun to fire
I had to read the trouble shooting section in the manual
Through three cheese trees three free fleas flew.
While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew.
Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze.
Freezy trees made these trees' cheese freeze.
That's what made these three free fleas sneeze.
What goes hiss, swish, hiss swish every time it rains? A windscreen viper.
How does a volleyball team welcome their new neighbors? With a block party.
Wow, wouldn’t mind if you became my significant otter.
Why did the cosmonaut take his dog to the vet?
He came down with a stellar case of lunar tics.
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
I've been hitting the bottle pretty hard recently.
Still can't get the last of that ketchup out.
Irish puns are the most O'ffensive.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
Don’t expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.
I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.
How do you leave any building in Spain?
You "follow salida lida lida..."
"Santa’s pretty stelfy going down the chimney, don’t you think?" said one elf to another.
What happens if you cross a hairdresser and a werewolf?
A creature with an all over perm!
I found a sour strawberry today. It was berry bad.
What kind of light goes around the earth? A Satel-lite.
The fruit started to stutter as it was suffering from peach deterioration.
Why did the thief steal a pig? Because he was a hamburglar.
Why did the Dalmatian have to go to the eye doctor?
He kept seeing spots.
I just got fired from my theatre job. I guess I should've made a bigger scene about it.
What does a beaver from Philly drink?
Wooder.
Don't be a jerk-o-lantern