Q: What do vegetables wish for, more than anything else in the whole world?
A: Peas on earth!
I was hoping my friend would catch the lemon-lime soda i tossed her.
But unfortunately Sierra Mist
hat do you call it when a runner from Moscow starts a race at Red Square that ends in Finland?
Russian to the Finnish.
Guns don’t kill people...
Bullets, it’s bullets that kill people.
If you golf on election day…
Be sure to cast an absent-tee ballot.
Why couldn’t the little girl ride the horse?
It was feeling bucky.
Why did the rabbit like the adventure? It was a “hare-raising tail.”
What is John Lennon's favorite donut? Strawberry' Filled Forever.'
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
The unluckiest berry in the group is the one that drew the short straw-berry.
How do you give a deer a compliment?
“Fawn over him!”
Why did the squirrel go to kola-nary school? Because it had pines to be a chef.
Wanna know why I like to do yard work?
It really takes the hedge off!
Ireland always leaves me wanting Moher.
Salami get this straight - you don't like meat puns?!
What do you get when you cross a dog with a calculator?
A friend you can count on.
Mooning is very ASStrological
What side of a tiger has the most stripes? The outside.
What’s a ghoul’s favorite love story?
Romeo and Ghouliet!
Some airplanes are so cramped that at the end of the trip, you suffer jet leg.
What do you call a skeleton's favorite singer?
Pelvis Presley.
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
Why don’t pigs eat cake? Because they’re morally opposed to bacon.
Why was the skeleton a success at work?
He had a head for business.
How does Mr. Bean introduce himself in Spain?
Soy Bean.
Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honeycombs.
I've been thinking of U periodically.
The worst type of criminal is he who mugs other people's coffee.
What did the toast say to the psychic?
You bread my mind!
I yam always very happy to eat sweet potatoes.
What is the difference between a Yankees fan and a dentist?
One roots for the Yanks, and the other yanks for the roots. OUCH.
I’ll always be running-back to you.
When the unripe strawberry saw the ripe one, it was green with envy.
Why don't aliens get hungry after being blasted into space?
Because they've just had a big launch.
I’m o-fish-ally in love with you.
What are crisp, like milk and go 'eek, eek, eek' when you eat them? Mice Krispies!
A brain aneurysm would be swell.
What do you call a penguin in the desert?
Lost!
What does a squirrel wear on its feet?
Cashews
What did the paprika tell the salt around Christmas?
Seasonings greetings.
I saw a pun on chocolate bars but it wasn’t that fun
So I just snickered.
What is worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog? He is mist.
I'm a fairy.
My name's Nuff. Fair enough.
What's a pickle's life philosophy?
Never a dill moment.
Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?
They were using fowl language.
And yes, gnomes are always trying to get to first base with the ladies.
Where did the dog leave her car?
In the barking lot.
They say that the local baker is the breadwinner of his family. True enough.