Beer is the greatest beverage on earth.
That's my pint of view, anyway.
What did one soap molecule say to the other soap molecule in prison?
"Get out. This is micelle"
The mama nut told her children to kick off their dirty cashews before stepping into the house.
Why is Mrs Mayo mad at Mr Ketchup?
She caught him watching the salad dressing again.
A plumber and his coworkers finally fixed his own sink after years of not having access to tap water. He started crying, and his coworkers asked why.
He said with a trembling voice, "Because water works!"
Never going drinking with Train drivers again.
All they did all night was tell me to ‘chug,chug,chug,chug.’
She was wheeled to the operating room, but then she underwent a change of heart.
Why do owl babies take after their dad?
Like feather, like son.
The Cuban main violinist's string snapped during a performance. Luckily, he got offered another violin by his American friend.
That day, another Fiddle Catastrophe was prevented.
Ghosts are terrible liars because you can see right through them.
What is a bear’s favorite soda?
Coca Koala.
Any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.
What is a crows favorite vegetable?
Corn on the caawb.
How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.
What do turtles do when one of them has a birthday?
They have a shell-ebration.
Q: Did you hear about the cherry that liked to explode?
A: It was da’ bomb.
No one laughed at my milk jokes. They said they were too cheesy.
What do you call a Pharaoh who plays the trumpet? Tootin'khamun.
Why did the girl walk into the ice cream store with an umbrella?
She heard there were going to be sprinkles
What did the panda say when he was forced out of his natural habitat?
This is un-bear-able.
What do you do if you spill maple syrup all over your keyboard?
Just turn off sticky keys.
What's a bipolar person's favorite type of music? Swing.
What's in a honeymoon salad?
Lettuce alone
What kind of magazine does a rock like to read?
Rolling Stone.
Moisturiser is good for your skin...
Let that sink in.
What do jellyfish and a girl after prom night have in common?
They can't be deboned.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Butter.
Butter who?
I butter nut tell you.
What's the difference between a stepping stool and a miniature 3D printer?
The former is a little ladder and the latter is a little former.
Why are trees the largest plant? Because they are truly tree-mendous.
My sheep-powered computer was starting to run slowly
So I added more ram
The beaver offered some freshly streamed buns to his guests.
What do you get from sitting on the snow too long?
Polaroids!
Do you want to know what you get when you cross a newborn snake with a basketball? Really! Ooh you will end up with a bouncing baby boa.
I have bean
thinking about you.
If you travel to the future and get decapitated
You'd be ahead of your time
Why did the squirrel ask for a pay raise?
He was paid peanuts.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
What do you call a boat in training?
An apprenticeship.
Who answers the door at the peanut mansion?
The peanut butler.
I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.
If you want to name a smart pig, name him Cunningham.
So, how on earth did the police catch the watermelon thief without a solid description? Don’t really know; guess the bloke was acting seedy.
Did you know if you hold a hard hat up to your ear....
you can hear the OSHA?
I hate how all my fairy photographs have really bad quality.
They’re all so pixielated.
I went to Taco Bell and order nacho fries
the person behind the counter wouldn't give them to me, just kept saying "nacho fries".
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? Milk and Quackers!
Why did the Easter Bunny have to leave school?
He was eggspelled.
Mummies are very aware of investment security. Their favorite is Cryptocurrency.
My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.
Two fruit flies are out for dinner.
I'm really enjoy this date...”
“Yeah, but it’s only half rotten.”