The anti-vax basketball team lost every game this season
Apparently they never take any shots.
Why was the UN concerned when the waiter dropped Thanksgiving dinner?
Because it meant the fall of turkey, the ruin of grease, and the breakup of china.
What is a werewolf’s favorite drink?
Moonshine.
How do you tell the difference between a rabbit and a gorilla?
A rabbit looks nothing like a gorilla
Did you know that back in medieval times, soldiers would sleep with lanterns next to them so they could see if something happened.
They were called "Knight Lights"
My local garden center is doing buy one, get one free on manure. Don’t sniff at this offer.
Digging trenches during the middle ages was seen as a great honor because it showed someone's shovelry!
What do you call a clever monster?
Frank Einstein.
What's a pickle's favorite book?
To Dill A Mockingbird.
"Is it the tar that smells like farts?"
"No, it was your asphalt"
How many cans can a cannibal nibble
if a cannibal can nibble cans?
As many cans as a cannibal can nibble
if a cannibal can nibble cans.
You’re wine in a million.
What is Bruce Lee’s favourite fruit? Wataaaaar melooooon?
My trucker friend was super excited about his new house. I asked him why, and he told me it had a really long haul way.
Have you heard about the guys who stole a truck full of broccoli and cauliflower? They had to really floret to get away.
Trying to teach my dad how to put WiFi on his tablet
Me: You just have to go to settings!
Dad: This is just making me upsettings!
On the spot no hesitation! Gotta love him!
How do Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code!
Remember, Irish puns on St. Patrick's Day don't just shame you. They Seamus all.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
All the contestants at the pig Olympics were very happy with their prizes. They each won pork medallions.
I heard that my neighbor, who loved dried fruit, has passed away. May his soul rest in peach.
I was at the beach today when I saw a man in the sea yelling “Help, shark! Help!”
I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
What do you call it when worms eat all of the plants and take over the world?
Global Worming.
What is the first thing that bats learn at school? The alphabat.
I tripped over a floor tile in the bathroom today. Got out alright, but it's safe to say...
I got floored.
What would you call an ogre who can write and recite poetry??
Shrekspeare.
What do you get if you cross a bat with a ball?
A home run.
What did snow white say when she came out of the photo booth?
Some day my prints will come.
What is a butcher’s favorite Elvis Presley song? Love Meat Tenders.
What do you call a crab that throws things?
Lobster
What do a mommy bee and a daddy bee make when they have alone time?
A babe-bee.
An Australian chess player went into a restaurant and ordered food. After having his food , the waiter asked him "Cash or Credit , Sir?"
He said "Cheque , mate."
How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!
Hope you’re wide open on [date].
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.
How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?
What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
"HeHe."
What would you hear at a cow concert?
Moo-sic.
What praise did a bat’s friend deserve? A bat on the back.
What is an elf’s favorite kind of birthday cake?
Shortcake!
What do worms leave round their baths? The scum of the earth.
Looking after more than one elephant at a time requires the ability to multi-tusk.
There is a specific type of cats who love to go bowling. They are known as alley cats.
What do you call a Tyrannosaurus under stress?
A nervous rex.
Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach?
Because it was over 90 degrees.
My wife hates the colour of her hair...
She's dyeing to change it.
What do fruit wear when they go swimming? A one-peach bathing suit.
I decided to switch to a knife to preserve my ammo.
The guys at Laser Tag started freaking out though.
People always talk about the 'Eye Of The Tiger'. No one talks about the other four letters.