Q. Why was the stag thrown in the army brig?
A. Due to deer-eliction of duty.
Why did the engineering students leave class early? They were getting a little ANSI.
What’s a pig’s favorite color? Ma-hog-any.
Thunderstorms are shrewd investors. They put their money in a combination of frozen and liquid assets.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I've always considered mountain plateaus to be the highest forms of flattery.
What did the wise papa fish tell his son?
Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
What do you call it when a dinosaur gets in a car accident? Tyrannasaurus wreck!
What do you call a turtle who takes up photography?
A snapping turtle.
Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.
What do chickens grow on?
Eggplants.
Why don’t crabs donate to charity?
Because they’re shellfish
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.
Yule be sorry.
How does a vampire make tea? With a used tampon.
What did the tree say when it fell down?
"Call pine one one!"
How do you make a milkshake?
Give a cow a pogo stick.
What is the invisible man's favorite shampoo?
Clear.
Why was the horse a great editor?
She was very thorough bred.
Why did the pianist have to be rushed into surgery after his latest performance?
He played his heart out.
What excuse did the late watermelon give his boss? He said be there in 5 boss, I’m just rind the corner.
What did the lightning strike survivor say when interviewed?
"It was shockingly powerful. Like, it really Hertz"
What did the Mountain lion say to the bathroom attendant?
Out of the way, I’m about to Puma pants!
What do you call a fairy that doesn’t like to shower?
Stinkerbell.
Who is the first farmer to walk on the moon?
Neil Farmstrong.
What do you call a fraternity member who likes to drink the blood of goats?
A chupacabro.
What do you call a Koala that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
Which band were way ahead of their time in the stage lighting department?
LED Zeppelin.
What weighs 800 pounds and sticks to the roof of your mouth ? A peanut butter and Stegosaurus sandwich!
Last night I was but by a bloodsucker from the moon.
Damn lunatics.
Did you hear about the banana who went to the doctor's because he wasn't peeling very well?
How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.
What sign was posted in the witches' parking lot?
Violators will be toad.
Why do owls make such bad baseball players?
Their hits are always fowl.
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns
Softball is just like baseball
Except the tactics seem more underhanded.
What do you call fake oranges?
“Pulp Fiction”
Why can you never trust an artist? Because they are a bit sketchy, a little shady and will always try to frame you.
I banged my head on a low bridge.
Would have been ok if viaduct.
How do you make a milkshake? Give a cow a pogo stick.
What is the difference between pea soup and roast beef? Everyone would roast beef.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
What do football players wear on their heads? Helminth
Did you hear about the croc calling the frog? He just croc-o-dialled.
What type of key opens a banana?
A monkey.
A slimey snake slithered down the sandy sahara.
How does a shark greet a fish?
Pleased to eat you.
Elephant boxing matches are very difficult to watch. It becomes tough to identify as both have grey trunks!
What did the beaver say to the other beaver? I love you like no otter.
Why did the hotel staff dress as witches for Halloween?
Because they provided broom service!