One or two hours warm my heart,
But 24 hours make my day.
Did you hear about the color bomb?
Yeah it blue up.
How good is a Coney Island gyro? Feta than se*.
After his teeth were cleaned, the werewolf ate the dentist.
How can you tell which end of a worm is which?
Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs!
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
What do you call a mouse that doesn’t like being known about-?
Anonymouse.
Top 25 Funniest Duck Names:
1. James Pond
2. Quack Sparrow
3. Duck Norris
4 Quacks-a-Lot
5 Quackhead
6 Quacko
7. Quackers
8. Nutquacker
9. Quacker Jack
10. Quack Efron
11. Quack Black
12. Moby Duck
13. Quackula
14. Sir Duckington
15. Eggbert
16. Quackers
17. Duckleberry Finn
18. Quacker Jack
19. Lucky Duck
20. Cheese and quackers
21. Quaker Jack
22. Duckingham Palace
23.Waddles
24. Quackie Chan
25 Firequacker
What’s black and white and very noisy?
A panda with a set of drums.
What’s a horse’s favorite country singer?
Colt-on Underwood.
Why is Cinderella bad at football?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
I’m establishing my punning game early today.
Why can't chefs play baseball? They always get caught trying to steal a basil.
Q: What do you call a really violent fruit?
A: A peach breaker
The main difference between the weather and a horse is that one rains down while the other is reined up.
Why do skeleton's make such good comedians? They have so many funny bones.
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
My farts don’t smell, they don’t have noses.
What did Michael Jackson say to his chess opponent?
“It don’t matter if you’re black or white.”
What is a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai tree.
The food here is quite so-fish-ticated.
When you look at the sky and see the moon
You're looking at a subtle light
What does an anteater like on its pizza?
Ant-chovies.
What did the little piglet want from the swine?
A piggyback ride home.
What did the arrogant pickle say?
I'm kind of a big dill.
My friend’s bakery burned down last night.
Now his business is toast.
I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
Why did the man driving a train get struck by lightning?
He was a good conductor.
I don't like strong perfumes...
I guess I'm inscentsitive.
I gave someone directions to a theater today
I guess I am a movie director now.
Who is the most famous actor in Greece ?
John Travolta.
Who brings the monsters their babies?
Frankenstork.
I won a contest extracting the most water from a towel, I'm now known as the....
Lord of the Wrings.
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
I've been on a real hummus kick lately, so as I came home from work tonight, my sister says to me "You're always bringing home hummus now." To which I replied, "Hummus where the heart is!"
What activity should you do when you’re babysitting little cheeses?
Build a roquefort.
Its ok to kiss a nun....
But don't get into the habit.
What do you call a fake Irish stone? A shamrock.
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
Australia announced that they have begun dumping sewage into the ocean
It’s now classified as an in-continent.
When does soil get rich?
When mother nature makes it rain.
Medieval Kings and Queens were carried by their soldiers and servants. I am not lying, they litter-ally carried that way!
What is the name of the dancing chocolate bar?
Nestle Crunk bar.
Why do owl babies take after their dad?
Like feather, like son.
Why did the witch go to the doctor?
She had a dizzy spell.
I hate how all my fairy photographs have really bad quality.
They’re all so pixielated.
What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use? A dino-saw!
What do you get when you spice up date night? Netflix and Chilis.
Water you doing on [date]?