What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
"HeHe."
What did one sushi roll say to the other sushi roll?
I’m soy into you.
What do you call someone with Yellow hair on the beach?
A beach blond.
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
Why did the American student spend his year in European brothels?
To study a broad.
How do sick kangaroos get better?
They have a hoperation.
What happens if you read too many Painful baseball Puns?
You're left in stitches.
Tne thing you won't catch a vampire ordering in a restaurant is a stake sandwich.
When you cross a wolf and Fred Astaire, you get dances with wolves.
Which hand should we use to stir the soup? It is better to stir the soup with a spoon!
Q: How did the Pharaoh get to school?
A: In Anubis.
What do you call a small Subaru car covered in road salt?
An Impretzel!
The nectarine academic is doing a Ph.D. in 'Peach and Language Psychology' from the University of Georgia.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
What’s the healthiest piece of furniture?
The vege-table
What is batman’s favorite food (ans Just-ice)
Not much, just-ice.
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
You're so beautiful, even the leaves fall for you.
What do you call an and with frogs legs?
An antphibian.
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
My friend asked me why I was wearing a lamp shade over my face.
I replied, "I am feeling light headed."
How were these puns about puns?
They were pun-questionably pun-fortunate!
When is a piece of wood made king? when its a ruler
Is it true that a dinosaur won't attack if you hold a tree branch? That depends on how fast you carry it!
What happened to the pirate who lost his peg leg?
He couldn't find it, so he was stumped.
What kind of car does an electrician drive? A Volts-wagon.”
What game do fawns like playing at sleepovers?
Truth-or-deer.
What do you call fifty penguins at the North Pole?
Really lost. (Penguins live in the Southern Hemisphere)!
Unicorns deserve to be banned from facebook because all they do is poke people all day.
My hypochondriac brother just told me he thinks he's got a brain tumor.
I told him not to worry, it's probably all in his head.
Better read than dead.
It is difficult to hold up a trouser. How does Jupiter does it? Simply, with an asteroid belt.
What did one glow worm said to the other one?
You glow girl!
What do you call a greedy ant?
An anteater.
What holds the sun up in the sky?
Sunbeams
How will you have communion in the space if you won’t have mass?
If you photograph your pimples, is zit art?
When I took a break from having soup, my mom said "Carry on, why did you stoup?"
I once knew an arrogant sponge.
He was very self absorbed
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
What’s black and white and stands in the corner?
A naughty panda.
When I got my first job at the bowling alley, I was only tenpin.
What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit?
Floss Vegas.
In the history class, the onion teachers taught the student onions that during the vegetable cold war, the Soviet Onion was a superpower.
When would an apple be not an apple? When it is a pineapple!
When she saw all the madness around her, March said, “what’s all that bracket”.
You’re the cutest clover in the patch.
I banged my bike against the wall today. it was wheelie unfortunate.
Why did the Pilgrims sail to America?
It was too far to swim.
A round of Santa-plause, please.