What does a triangle palm like to study in school? Trigonometree.
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
My father cooked us mushrooms. Later he asked "Having fun guys"?
What does a flower therapist ask her patients?
Are you feeling bouquet?
Newscaster Dad: And now, here is John with the weather.
Weatherman: It’s Jim, actually.
Newscaster: My apologies. Here’s John with the Jim.
Do you know which the most favourite type of fruit of trees is? The pine – apple.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
What do Vikings call the people that cut their hair?
Barberians.
Why do the ladies love baseball?
Because diamonds are a girl's best friend.
How does a crab go when it's right?
"Aw, snap!"
When is a pumpkin not a pumpkin? When you drop it; then it's squash!
Panda ghosts love to eat bam-boo.
A young man had just returned home from culinary school and was telling his family about everything he had learned.
"The most interesting thing I learned was about the French Fry", he told them.
"Combing through historical records, we found that it was not first fried in France!"
His family was astounded, and asked where it was fried originally.
"In Grease, of course."
My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche
She's been such a sour puss about it.
What is the fastest way to make a setter angry? Each time you make a pass, tell the setter the ball is “Up” and then say “Yours!”
Why were the kids throwing flour and bread at their school? They wanted to rise to the occasion.
What do you call a maternal Turkish robot water weasel?
An Ottoman otter-mom automaton.
I tried riding a camel instead of a horse once.
It had its ups and downs.
What do you call a dinosaur that drinks curry? A Mega-sore-arse.
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
What is a butchers favorite facial hair style?
Mutton chops.
I like looking at a chart of all the chemical elements... periodically.
May the mass times acceleration be with you.
If a monkey has thirty bananas in one hand and forty bananas in the other hand, what does he have?
Very big hands.
My wife threw a block of cheddar at my head
I said "Well that's mature."
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a four-leaf clover?
The Cluck o’the Irish!
As the storm was brewing, the madman raised his hands and cried, "Hail Storms! Long may they rain!"
What do you call it when worms eat all of the plants and take over the world?
Global Worming.
Treat yo'elf.
What did the cow that was struck by lightning say?
I'm udderly shocked.
What do you call babies with guns?
Infantry.
I farted in an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels.
I read Reims of info before I got here, but nothing can prepare you for how beautiful this place is.
What is the head of an Italian dinosaur family called? Ptera Don
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
When we were young, we had this myth that lightning bolts go all the way to cloud 9.
Why should you be careful not to insult a crocodile?
It may come back to bite you in the butt.
What was the ice cream cone’s naughty pick up line?
Wanna lick me?
What type of weapon does a vegetable knight use?
A-spear-iguess
Who is the best kung fu vegetable?
Brocc lee.
Don’t moss around.
Being related to me is the best birthday gift you could receive.
How do you get rid of a witch’s hex?
Draw a hex-a-gone.
ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.
What does a Turkish kid say to his mom when he needs to do chores in the summer:
I dont’t wanna do it, it’s sho warm ma!
My four year old has been learning Spanish all year and still can't say the word please.
Which I think is poor for four.
What do you call solid gold bananas? A bunch of money.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered
Why are bananas never lonely?
Because they hang around in bunches.
Did you hear about the colorful sea cow?
Oh the hue-manatee!!!