He was showing off his new gaming gadget, "it has the latest peach recognition technology" he said.
Where do fish go to watch movies?
At the dive-in.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
If your piglet wants to be a wizard, there’s only one alternative: Hogwarts.
Someone told me I looked like a salt shaker. I took it as a condiment.
What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.
Cherry pie will set you back 10 dollars in Antigua, but 15 in Barbados. Yes, those are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Who brings the monsters their babies?
Frankenstork.
I'm beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn't actually staffed
Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
Why do chickens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they’d break.
What’s a Spanish vampire’s favorite dance?
The Fang-dango.
Do you comma here often?
Why did the orange lose his job at the factory? He didn’t concentrate.
Why was the skeleton so lonely?
He had no body.
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.”
What are the best kind of flowers to get your girlfriend after screwing up?
Whoopsie Daisies
What do zombies say to their sweethearts?
- I chew-s you.
Why did the donut go to the dentist? It needed a filling!"
What do you call Batman when he is injured?
Bruised Wayne.
I heard that a truck carrying Scrabble tiles has just overturned… Well, that’s the word on the street, anyway.
What did the llama get when he graduated school?
A dipllama.
What has 4 wheels and flies?
Garbage truck
What do you call someone who loves dark beer?
Stouthearted.
I like you sow much.
Where do criminal unicorns sentenced to death go? They go on corn row.
The nut said it was very pine-ful when its’ shell cracked.
The good pony apologized to the tiger at the zoo for his sore throat, he said: "I am sorry, I am a little horse."
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
What’s another name for a chess-nut? A nut who loves chess.
Dear Winter — I'm breaking up with you. Summer is hotter than you.
I tried to tell my favourite joke about trains, but it got derailed.
That girl must be a premature contraction as she makes my heart skip a beat.
Mom told son to clean his room. But instead, he set it on fire.
It was a hot mess
Why did the skeleton go to church?
Because it didn’t have any organs.
I've got no home, I haven't got control, and I can't see any escape.
I should get a new keyboard.
Just hangin' with my gnomies.
The walnut was not good at sports but did really well with his macadamia at school.
Did you hear that famous blonde haired actress has been stabbed? She's called Reese, Erm...
Witherspoon?
No, with a knife.
A fairy appears in front of an old man.
"For the good things you've done in your life, I grant you three wishes!"
The old man squints and asks: "Can you speak up a bit? My hearing isn't the best anymore..."
The fairy replies: "SURE! YOU HAVE TWO WISHES!"
I mustache you a question..
but I'll shave it for later.
I saw a lady riding a camel and being pulled by a truck... It was a camel tow
The evil King of Weatherland only had one favorite weather - hail, storm.
Why did the pineapple suddenly stop the car in the middle of the highway? Because it just ran out of juice.
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
What card game do crocodiles like playing?
Snap!
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? CHICKEN CAESER SALAD.
Q. Where do computers keep their money?
A. In a data bank.
A man once said when is Monday coming? His wife said Mon-soon.