Why do skeletons hate how wind feels? Because it goes right through them!
Why does everyone want ice cream to be on their team?
Because with them, anything is popsicle.
I was wondering about the color of the wind when it suddenly occurred to me that it blue.
What did the flower say when he saw his date?
I think you’re dandy, and I’m not lion!
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
The cookie monster couldn’t make his bed, why? Because he couldn’t find his cookie sheets.
How do you keep bacon from curling in the pan?
You take away their little brooms
Make no bones about it, home made stock is a really good base for soups.
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor after my first day at work.
Deep down I realized it wasn’t for me.
Finally, the call came in and the orange was informed by the person on the other end of the line that the company had orange-d an interview for the following day.
I wondered why flamingos were so strong, so I did a little research. Turns out they do a lot of eggs-er-cise.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
Why do sailors eat shellfish when rain is forecast?
It’s the clam before the storm.
You can never get short balls over the net! Solution: Drop shot from arsenal.
A dog in a pumpkin patch is called...
a pumpkin pooch.
What's the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
If a crocodile never admits he is wrong, he must be in de-nile..
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
A dull, dark dock, a life-long lock,
A short, sharp shock, a big black block!
To sit in solemn silence in a pestilential prison,
And awaiting the sensation
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
What do you call a fake Nokia? A phone-y of course.
Ants in your plants.
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $2.50. Deer nuts are under a buck
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.
What kind of a key opens a banana? A monkey!
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
Why did Santa go to a psychiatrist? He no longer believed in himself.
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
What has four legs and goes Oom, Oom?
A cow walking backwards.
The most notorious one of all pirates was very sad. It may have been because he was Bluebeard!
Why was the ketchup feeling bad?
Because it had the squirts.
The ghost scared all the boys who ventured into the haunted house and then varnished into the almirah!
Before they go out to a basketball game, all cheerleaders down several bottles of root beer.
Q. What does one teen buck say to oad another into doing something risky?
A. I double deer you!
My doctor must think I have a bad hard drive
He said he needed to C:
What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
Be careful! Theres a deadly fruit on the loose
He has 7 charges of armed Strawbbery.
The Mad Hatter and the Queen of Hearts had a rental agreement
A lease in Wonderland.
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
What do you call children who are born in a whorehouse?
Brothel sprouts.
What do you call Bigfoot from Canada?
Sasquatch-ewan.
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
I won a contest extracting the most water from a towel, I'm now known as the....
Lord of the Wrings.
After all is red and done, all the colors in the rainbow are equally beautiful.
A cabbage said to a DJ “lettuce turnip the beet!”
I had thought of a lot of good bread puns, but they seem to have gone a rye. I know the feeling.
What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear!
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
The doctor advised I tried a milk bath. I asked if it needs to be pasteurized. No, just above the knees she replied.
What was that knight's name who would always go around and call other knights by their last names? Sir Name.