What is the favorite snack of a programmer, it's undoubtedly Cadbury bytes.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
The female janitor at my office asked me if I would like to smoke some weed with her.
I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women.
Where do penguins keep their money?
In a snow bank!
What do you call a Minotaur in a playground?
A swing and a myth.
My dog is very poor.
He can’t afford a “woof” over his head.
I know someone who tried to runway after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
Don’t ever trust a leper-con!
I gave my toddler peas for the first time. He wasn't very hap-pea.
What part of a flamingo has the most feathers?
The outside.
What is a Jedi electrician’s favorite tool? His lightsaber”
Why don’t pigs eat cake? Because they’re morally opposed to bacon.
If a hole isn't full of water then it isn't feeling well
Roofs of mushrooms rarely mush too much.
What do you call a berry that plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity!
We had made everything for the party and the groom came in, did a quick assessment and didn’t seem amused. “Orange you glad we did this?” we asked him.
I just had a pint of kangaroo beer
It was a bit too hoppy for me
What has a head but no body, a heart but no blood, leaves but no branches and grows without wood?
Lettuce
What do you call it when a dinosaur gets in a car accident? Tyrannasaurus wreck!
For Halloween I'm going to dress as a donkey with a kilt
I'm going to be an ascot
How do you get from point A to point B?
Just take an x-y plane or a rhom’bus.
Who was the fastest runner of all time?
Adam. He was the first in the human race.
Too bad my serve hit the tape. Well, at least they’ll LET me hit it again.
The cookie monster couldn’t make his bed, why? Because he couldn’t find his cookie sheets.
What is the angriest place on Earth?
Ire-land
What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?
"Cashew."
I went into a pet shop and said: "I would like a pet parrot for my daughter."
Confused, the owner replied: "Sorry, we don't do swaps."
What did one cactus say to the other cactus ?
"Lookin sharp !"
What did the realtor reply when I asked if he liked reading real estate magazines?
"Yes, I love reading them but only periodically".
The soup was busy and preoccupied. He was stewing over something his friend said.
What did the Tyrannosaurus rex get after mopping the floor? Dino-sore!
Easter dinner was great today
We made sure it had all the crucifixins'.
I like dillos, but do not support giving them guns.
I would never armadillo.
What will you call a crazy spaceman? An astronaut.
Dud you know Astronauts said steaks are better in space?
They're a little meteor.
What is the chemical formula for the molecules in candy? Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthanum-Tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
What do you call the people that you eat grass and produce milk alongside?
Cow-workers!
If you golf on election day…
Be sure to cast an absent-tee ballot.
I have a hiking playlist with songs from the Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my trail mix.
What do you call a group of whale musicians?
An orca-stra.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
What’s black and white, has four legs and a trunk?
Two pandas on holiday.
What is the suckiest fruit?
A strawberry.
If you want to vacation in Italy, don't be afraid to Rome around.
What do you get when you cross a thought with a light bulb?
A bright idea.
This may be corny, but you are a-maize-ing.
Why should you not play volleyball in court? Because you could get arrested.
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
A mother catches her 12-year-old son smoking in the backyard...
"Jimmy, I can't believe this! Smoking is terrible for you, and you're so young!" Jimmy replies, "Don't worry mom, I only smoke when I'm drunk."
What do you call a grilled cheese sandwich that's all up in your face? Too close for comfort food.