What does a pizza say when it introduces itself to you?
Slice to meet you.
What did the insulted orange say to the kiwi? Ex-squeeze-me?
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs
What happened to the shark who swallowed a bunch of keys?
It got lockjaw.
Why do you use an old towel to dry your dog?
Because it's a little rough.
What kind of shoes do frogs wear?
Open toad sandals.
My cat just cut the grass.
She's a lawn meower.
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
What did the snowplow guy say when his equipment broke down?
Take this job and shovel it!
What’s the preacher’s favorite fall song? A-maize-ing Grace.
The ghoul didn't get his letter on time because it got lost at the ghost office.
Q: What’s a tiger’s favorite color?
A: Roar-range.
We got the news of a coming flood today. The news was leaked.
I hope you have an absolutely fin-tastic day!
What do you call a koala with no teeth? A gummy bear.
I went to an art gallery and noticed that all the info was also available in braille.
Nice touch.
What do you call the greatest cheese to every live on the earth? Legen-dairy!
Why did the butter keep talking? Because he felt like he was really on a roll.
Italians are so good at making coffee because they naturally like to espresso themselves.
What’s the most supportive beer?
Root beer.
I knew a guy that got struck by lightning twice.
It was a re-volting scene.
I was at an office conference this past autumn. I made a new friend and when I asked for his contact details, he said, "Here is my November!"
The reason why mushrooms are always welcome even in high-end parties is because everybody believes they are really fun-guys.
I named my phone "The Titanic" because it's always syncing.
She has high elf-esteem.
Why do blind people hate diving?
It scares the hell out of their dogs.
What does a workhorse like to drink?
A Moscow Mule.
Can a fencing champion born in France, but raised in the U.S. represent either country in the olympics?
Yes. Because they have duel citizenship.
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
What did the orange say when a knife pierced it’s peel? Flesh wound.
Q. How do you describe a stinking filthy buck?
A. Deer-ty.
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
What do zombies say before a fight?
- Do you want a piece of me?
What do you call an bat with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
What do you get if you cross a pig with a dinosaur ? Jurassic Pork!
What did the band Boston say in praise of the Sistine Chapel?
"It's more than a ceiling"
Why were the Vikings such good sailors?
You can lead a Norse to water but you can't make him sink.
What do you get when you put a bomb in a dinosaur? Dino-mite.
What was the main job of the bread truck? To haul buns.
You really mermaid my day.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
Why was a realtor amused by solving a house jigsaw puzzle in just five weeks?
The box read for 10-14 years!
Have you ever heard of Pavlov’s dog?
Yeah, he rings a bell
Why did the Gorilla fail its exam? He didn't have the ape-titude.
What do you call a dog who only eats garlic and onions?
A dog with a bark worse than its bite.
Q. Why did the gorilla go to the barber?
A. He was concerned about his ape-pearance.
What did the painter say to the wall? Another crack like that and I'll have to plaster you!
When a man went to the doctor to get rid of the strawberry that was growing out of his head, the doctor told him, "Don't worry. I'll give you some cream for that".
Two racquets started dating. Unfortunately, one was stringing the other along without any intention of tying the knot.