What do you call a pianist who throws trash everywhere?
Litterachi.
I feel thankful for having you as my gym buddy and lover.
Our relationship is really working out.
Did you hear that cats have carried out a Coup in Barcelona and declared independence from Spain?
They're calling themselves the Republic of Catalo-nya.
I have bean thinking about you.
Don’t pass on this party – rush on over.
What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?
One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
How do winged horses walk if they become pirates?
Peg-asus legs.
How do you get a musician off your front porch?
Pay for the pizza.
Would you mind watching my pet parrot while I’m out, as long as it’s not too much of a birden?
A truck with an entire load of strawberries has crashed on the motorway. It's caused a real traffic jam.
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!
Why do dwarves live in mountains?
They dig it.
Did you hear about that show that tests the listening skills of vegetables?
Its tests the ears of its corn-testants.
Let's pumpkin spice things up a bit
I can't imagine the stress put on the workers in trying to figure out the newest flu vaccine...
It probably puts a strain on the staff.
What do you feed a 700 pound gorilla?
Just give him anything he wants and then run.
I like fried chickpeas, but I shouldn't eat them. Every time I do I falafel.
What do you call a bear that jumps but never lands?
Peter Panda.
What is a volleyball player’s favorite drink? Sets on the Beach.
What did the broken hearted skeleton say?
After all to-marrow is another day.
What do skiers get if they sit in the snow for too long?
Polaroids!
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
What do you get when you cross a vampire with an ice cube?
You end up with frost bite.
What kind of car do bears drive?
Fur-aris.
You have me greening from ear to ear.
How do planets staying busy during hunting season?
By shooting stars.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
How about the most dangerous mountain in the world? Kill-a-man-jaro.
How did citizens of Ancient Greece measure land for crops?
By Demeter.
What do you call a professional beach volleyball player who doesn’t have a boyfriend or a girlfriend? Homeless.
What are sophisticated realtors known for?
Constantly telling you all about proper tea.
what do people win at fancy grammar competitions.
a posh trophy.
Irish I may, Irish I might.
What do you get when you cross a bat with a doorbell?
A ding-bat.
I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring.
I bring my knees to my head and lean forwards.
That's just how I roll.
Why are koala's so sleepy? Because you just got to be tired being so darn cute all day!
What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.
Did you hear about the butcher that backed into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Yes, it is February 14th
Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?
They’re always a little short.
Why was the mosquito sad on christmas?
It was a bah hum bug.
I used to hate peas. I like them now, I just make sure I think of them as 'o's.'
Sunshine on a Woman's Day?
Broad-day light.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
Crows hold grudges. They're also fond of eating the dead. Now...
they've been found to copulate with corpses.
NeCROWphilia.
How do horses show gratitude?
Flank you very much.
Why doesn't Mrs. Clause like to go outside in spring?
Because of all the rain, dear.