When do chickens go to bed?
Half past hen!
Hey baby, are you a cloud server?
Because I have something to upload from my hard drive.
How do planets staying busy during hunting season?
By shooting stars.
Why don’t dolphins have hair?
They have whale pattern baldness.
I'm not too fond of not finishing my entire bowl of cereal. I think I have irritable bowl syndrome.
What do llamas always say after yoga class?
“Llamaste.”
Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.
I hear Jake finally broke up with his crazy grocer girlfriend; never could tell water problem was.
A scarecrow's favorite fruit to eat is straw-berry.
Q: How is hurricane season like Christmas?
A: At some point, there’s going to be a tree inside your house.
Some say that puns aren't very funny, while others take them very seriously...
I guess the one thing we can all agree on is that puns are no joke.
The cow intestine dish was offal, but the pig organ tacos was grocer!
Did you see that movie about King Kong, the giant ape?
The plot was pretty bananas.
When the medieval sorcerer summoned a servant from the magical book, the Queen was astounded. This was a page right out of the book.
A dyslexic witch cursed me!
Now everything I touch turns to glod, an increasingly disgruntled gnome.
How do you wash clothes at the beach?
With Tide.
What do you call two male avocados who hang out and drink together?
Avocabros.
Why was the artist in an argument? She wanted to have the final clay.
I don't know where I put my queen after the last chess game.
Maybe she's lost I need to check.
A fairy appears in front of an old man.
"For the good things you've done in your life, I grant you three wishes!"
The old man squints and asks: "Can you speak up a bit? My hearing isn't the best anymore..."
The fairy replies: "SURE! YOU HAVE TWO WISHES!"
My dog loves poetry.
Especially William Shakes-paw.
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? De-brie went everywhere!
They say I’m too indecisive to be a tennis umpire
but I still haven’t ruled it out.
Have you ever tried crossing a lion with a flamingo? It will be pink, that’s the mane thing.
I enjoy the cold weather
But only to a certain degree.
The nut said it was very pine-ful when its’ shell cracked.
So in my trip to Spain i got attacked by a bull.
Oh man that's spainful.
What did the elf tell its friends when they were traveling?
"Let’s take an elfie."
How do astronauts like to eat their ice cream?
Floats.
Who turns the lights off on Halloween?
The light's witch.
What did the happy cat say? Stay paw-sitive!
What kind of apple isn't an apple? A pineapple. What did the apple say to the apple pie? "You've got some crust."
What did the farmer say when someone complimented him on his corn harvest?
Aww, shucks!
What do you call a rock that never goes to school? A skipping stone!
What type of onion can't hold in moisture?
A leek.
What do zombies call a battle between classical music composers where one of them loses their mind?
A de-Bach-le.
What sound does it make when an ogre eats a witch for breakfast?
Snap cackle n' pop
I gave someone directions to a theater today
I guess I am a movie director now.
Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees.
How does a hairdresser stop themselves from cutting their own hair?
By sheer will.
BREAKING: The United States, after mistaking it for an Iranian submarine, has struck a utility submarine with an underwater torpedo that was en route to displace the shipping carrier blocking the Suez Canal, killing all 169 aboard
whoops wrong sub
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets!
What does a cat lady say on Friday night?
I am drinking wine and feline fine!
Why are blood physicians so rich?
Because blood cells.
Why does a mummy enjoy celebrating Christmas? As it involves a lot of gifts and wrappings.
Why is Frankenstein such good fun?
Because he soon has you in stitches.
Someone asked me recently why I don't put any ketchup or mustard on my hotdog
And I told them it's because I just wanna relish it.
Q. Why are orange jokes so dumb?
A. Because oranges are afraid to concentrate.
Why are people in big cities in Spain always dry?
Because the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.