My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
What kind of wine do they serve at the horse races?
Chardon-neigh!
I’m zesting a lemon for a recipe right now
It’s really appealing
If you need to share out your to-do list, just be a dele-gator.
Grammar has never been my strong suit.
Where do monkeys go when they lose their tails?
To a retailer.
What planet does a seal live on?
EARFFF EARFFF EARFFFF.
The peach couple is in love. They seem to be born for peach other.
Why are sponges and brains similar?
They both like to soak up "material"
What do you call a singing laptop? A Dell.
What happened to the Easter bunny at school? He was eggspelled.
I recently went to a soft fruit party, where all the food was berry based. It was cherrific.
What kind of donuts can fly?
The plain ones.
Why was the Blonde fired from the M&M factory?
She kept throwing away the W's.
Computers can be very good at golf because of their hard drives.
Do you know the band 1023 megabytes?
They haven't had a gig yet.
Breakfasts with my family always feel like a party because they're always making toasts.
What sound do hedgehogs make when they kiss?
Ouch
I recently got two German Shepherds. Because
I wanted some paw-dy guards.
The cow intestine dish was offal, but the pig organ tacos was grocer!
when I smelled breakfast in the morning it was bacon me eggcited.
My friend uses a white crow to protect his farm from other crows
He calls it a rarecrow
Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
This is the first year I’m not going to Italy because of the coronavirus.
Normally I don’t go because I’m poor.
What is the color of the wind? Blew!
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
What do you call a monkey with a banana in each ear?
Anything you want, he can’t hear you.
Why did the skeleton start a fight?
Because he had a bone to pick.
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
Did you see the award-winning movie about a hot dog? It was an Oscar wiener!
It's lit.
What do you call a cat teacher? A purr-fessor
How should you live your life? By seasoning the moment.
I used to know two birds who excelled in ballet...
They were two toucans.
What happened to the shark who swallowed a bunch of keys?
It got lockjaw.
What do you call a detective from the Reformation?
Martin Sleuther.
A friend of mine has a mobile phone shaped like an Italian dumpling. It's a gnocchia.
Why should you swim in an ool instead of a pool?
Because there’s no “p” in it!
What happened when the zombie refused to pay its ticket from the police?
It was facing grave consequences.
I never knew how lightning worked
Thats until it finally struck me.
What month does every tree dread? Sept-timmmberrr!
Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine?
It was about a weak back.
Why do chickens rinse their mouth out with soap?
Because of all the fowl language.
How do you call a man who can cook an egg on his head?
pan o man.
What’s it like to kiss a vampire?
A real pain in the neck!
Why are artists so temperamental? They have to get into the right frame of mind.
Everyone loves my Halloween costume, but I still see room for improvement.
I guess I'm an ogre-achiever.
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
What tree is bought the most at the plant store?
The poplar tree