My band only plays dog whistles.
You've probably never heard us.
What do you call the worlds smallest violin?
Hard to play.
French history is nothing to Lafayette at.
How did the fruit get to Hawaii? The pineapple express.
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
To begin to toboggan first buy a toboggan, but don’t buy too big a toboggan. Too big a toboggan is too big a toboggan to buy to begin to toboggan.
What do you call cheese that is sad? Blue cheese.
Why can’t a group of skeletons ever get anything done?
It’s a skeleton crew.
The bread did not believe that he could work at his job much longer. He was feeling too crusty.
I was souper excited to hear some soup puns for the comic chef - but his performance did not excite miso much.
During the battle between the two onion kings, one of them was on the back foot as it was leek-ing blood.
Two cabinets walk out of a bar...
One says to the other, "you walking home?" and the other replies, "Nah, I'm cabinet."
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Caesars.
You knead me in your loaf.
Whom did the cheesy Bible start with? Edam and Eve.
Wondering about a peach's favorite sci-fi novel? It's 'When You Peach Me'.
What’s does a winged horse like to munch on?
Pe-grass-us.
How did the vineyard launch the new champagne making business?
They crashed a small boat into it.
“I told you Doc!! I’ve got fatigue and my heart keeps skipping a beat! Why do you keep calling me a liar??
Doctor: “Sir, I’ll say it again, that’s A Fib!”
Where did the Viking buy his guitar?
Nordstrom's
I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.
It's made of asphalt.
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
I caught a fruit fly in the air and killed it.
I'm a gnatural born killer.
What happened when a clumsy sommelier tried to decant a bottle of fine wine?
Things went pour-ably wrong.
Did you hear the was a fire at a used furniture store and two people died next door?
It was due the second hand smoke
What would a self deprecating wardrobe say?
"I hate my-shelf"
Why do cats have minty breath? Because they use mousewash
What did the maggot say to another?
What's a nice maggot like you doing in a joint like this?
What do you say when the beach asks you to walk on it?
Shore
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
Picky people pick Peter Pan Peanut-Butter, 'tis the peanut-butter picky people pick.
What do worms leave round their baths? The scum of the earth.
I saw a friend of mine named Ella sit down to eat a fillet of salmon. As she lifted the fork to her mouth I screamed NO DON’T EAT THAT!
When she asked why I responded “you’ll get salmon-Ella!”
Who will Frankenstein’s monster take to the dance?
Any old girl he can dig up.
What do cherries say to their best friends? You are cherrific!
What is a giraffe’s favorite fruit?
Necktarines.
Why should anyone experiment with thin ice?
It’s the best way to achieve a major breakthrough.
Why did Arthur have a round table?
So nobody could corner him!
A beaver told a joke about a waterfall. It was a pour joke.
Anyone who is born in a car and dies outside is known as car born die oxide.
I came across a man who was eating strawberries at the bank. He told me he wanted to eat rich food.
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
What’s Frankenstein’s favorite food?
Frankenfurters.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
Was there a spark between Frankenstein and his bride?
Yes, he simply couldn’t resistor.
How could you tell the horse was getting old?
It was wither-ing away.
Have you heard about the new band located in the north east of england?
They're called Durham Durham.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a water hose?
Hare spray.