What happened when the onion tried to cross the bridge guarded by Gandalf? Gandalf shouted, "You shallot pass this bridge!"
Why was the computer late to work? Because it had a hard drive!
Why were the two retinas such good friends?
They always saw eye-to-eye.
What do rodents say when they play bingo? 'Eyes down for a full mouse'!
Did you hear about the skeleton that was almost picked apart by a group of wild dogs?
He marrowly escaped.
What’s a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
I have a pogo stick made out of vegetables. It’s a spring onion.
Accidentally ran over a French seal today .
Phoque.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and Deady.
What kind of tree fits in your hand?
A palm tree!
Why was the koala scientist so well-respected by his peers? He was known for conducting excellent koalatative research.
In some way, being a bowl of soup is like being a man. You are only blown when you are hot!
Why could the Italian Chef not unlock his car?
He had Gnocchi.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
You hear about the werewolf who majored in philosophy?
Now he's a whywolf
The mother helped her child bake bread because it was a labor of loaf. True enough.
On Halloween night a group of crows decided to enact a scene from the play Julius Ceaser, they were enacting the caw-nspiracy scene.
How do you prepare a Gorilla sundae? Your start getting it ready Fridae and Saturdae!
You don’t need to pay rent to live inside my heart.
I was at my hotel in Spain and wasn't feeling well.
Reception said they had a doctor on staff.
The doctor asked me lots of questions and I was then feeling much better.
I told reception I didn't expect a hotel would have a doctor on staff
They said it was a Spanish Inn Physician
Bro, are you a submarine?
Because you're so gnar.
If you are wondering about a peach's favorite game, it's peach ball.
Why did Mrs. Wine Grape run away from home?
She was tired of raisin a family.
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
What happened to the renegade donuts?
They went down in a glaze of glory.
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
One of my mother's friends asked if she could be a surrogate
I guess she was just looking for a womb for rent.
What did the deer say when she wanted to be left alone?
“Doe away!”
What do zebras hold?
Ze boobs.
"Just one hot chick."
What do you call a sneezing big foot in Spanish?
Achoopacabra.
What do you call a Spanish goat with no hind legs?
Gracias.
What is the favorite bread of a crow? Crow-issant.
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
Who is king of all the mice?
Mouse Tse Tung!
Computers cannot make good boxers because their bark is worse than their byte.
Why was the zombie so grumpy?
He woke up on the wrong side of the dead.
You know, the heart’s the hungriest organ.
It has the heartiest appetite.
What do you call a polar bear in Florida?
A solar bear.
What did the witch say when the door-to-door broom salesman showed her a vacuum.
I don't want an automatic. I want a stick shift!
Seed between the lines.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
I lost 90 pounds in 30 days on the juice diet
Every day I bought one juice for 3 pounds.
How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam? An itsy bitsy book.
What is the most popular valentine among nuts? The one that says “I’m nuts for you.”
Why does the Pope love Swiss cheese so much?
It’s hole-y.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
What do you call an onion who wants to go on romantic dates in Paris? A French onion.
Alligators ask lots of questions, they'd make great interri-gators.