One of my mother's friends asked if she could be a surrogate
I guess she was just looking for a womb for rent.
What was the motto of the unique deer? Deer to be different!
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
Sleigh queen, sleigh.
What do you call a duck that steals soap from the bathtub?
A robber ducky.
Police are appealing to the man who stole all the soap from the supermarket
To come clean
How many volleyball referees do you need to screw in a light bulb? None because they are always in the dark.
What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
So I asked my Spanish friend if he knew where fish lived.
He said "Si."
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
Shake it like a pole-oriod picture.
How does the Pope dry his hands?
He uses a Papal towel.
Wife: why do dad's have the worst jokes?
Me: It's a rule, dads have to have cringy jokes
Wife: Who makes those rules?
Me: The Dad Poet Society
Wife: (Groan)
“Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace? He wanted to sleep like a log.”
What did the father say to his falling son?
Son, you've got potential.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?
What steps do you take when you see a tiger running towards you? Big ones!
Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk for my coffee.
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
Water you doing, my friend?
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
What do dogs have that no other animal has?
Puppies.
What holiday do we celebrate in May to remember all the mothers we lost in the past year?
Momorial Day
Vampires love corny jokes and puns. I don't think they're funny, but it's probably to do with them being pun-dead.
An onion just told me a joke.
I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Why does the dolphin kingdom never go to war?
Because it would defeat the porpoise.
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
The cookie monster couldn’t make his bed, why? Because he couldn’t find his cookie sheets.
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
So a man walked up to me and placed some soil, plant seeds and fertilizer on my head.
It was annoying at first, but I think it grew on me.
How does a koala get from one place to another? On a gondkoala.
Why should you never throw a snake like a boomerang?
Because it’ll come back to bite you.
Where do you go to learn how to make ice cream?
Sundae school.
I can't imagine the stress put on the workers in trying to figure out the newest flu vaccine...
It probably puts a strain on the staff.
What did the boss pig say to the pig worker for not working fast enough? “chop chop slow pork”.
A wind turbine saw a solar panel at an energy convention. He leaned in and shouted, Hey, I’m a big fan!”
What month does every tree dread? Sept-timmmberrr!
Which is the Richest Cheese in the world? Paris Stilton.
Why Was The Teacher Annoyed With The Duck?
Because he wouldn't quit quackin' jokes!
We are mint to be.
What do you call Bigfoot from Canada?
Sasquatch-ewan.
What did the ocean say when asked if he wanted to be friends with the beach?
“Shore!”
Did you hear about the pea pod that became damaged?
It had to wear a pod cast.
Brother: "I saw a seahorse scuba diving"
Dad: "Wow that's amazing, I didn't realise they had the technology."
What do volleyball players watch during their free time? They watch Spike TV.
What do you find if you hang from a cherry tree for hours and hours? You find that your arms get sore.
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
What do you call a musical lime?
John Lemon.