A piano player got arrested at a wedding...
He was trying to root the relatives.
Why did the mother cow give the sleepy baby cow a hammer?
He wanted her to hit the hay.
My grandmother was famous all over town for growing delicious strawberries.
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. She’s dead and berried.
What do tigers sing at Christmas?
Jungle bells! Jungle bells!
My uncle moved to Spain to sing on stage by night and sell UPVC windows by day. He changed his name to....
Enrique Doubleglazius.
I'm reading a horror story in Braille and something bad is about to happen...
I can feel it.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
My dentist says I don't brush enough but hey-
We all have our floss.
Why didn't the two worms get on Noah's Ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go on in pairs.
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
For years I told my daughter she was half-human and half-mermaid... but that her bottom half was human, and her top half was mermaid.
Let’s kick off shall we? I just hope that my unicorn puns won’t be too corny for you.
If an adult is called a unicorn, are its young one’s called puny-corns?
What was the dog’s favorite book?
Winnie the Pooch. He loves to read a lot of story tails before bed.
"Happy eggster."
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
Why don’t dolphins play basketball?
Because they’re afraid of the net!
A man goes to the doctors and says " Doc, I'm having problems with my ears, I think I'm going deaf".
The Doc says " Can you tell me the symptoms?"
The man replies, " Well, Homer's the big fat bloke, and Marge has blue hair!"
What is a good pick-up line an axon terminal can use on a dendrite?
"Let's connect."
What do you call a dog’s back teeth?
Canine canines.
Which bat can hang the highest and longest?
The acro-bat.
What does Miley Cyrus eat at Christmas? Twerk-ey!
Did you hear about the croc and rooster that had a kid together?
It was a crocadoodledoo.
Local restaurant has kangaroo loin and it’s actually pretty good
It’s been awhile since I had it, but I remember it being a little jumpy and has a kick.
Car Salesman: And if you don't like this color, we have another one in "Boulder Gray"
Me: Gray isn't very bold to begin with, how did you make it bolder?
I sulfur when you argon.
How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store.
You prefer gardening to watching television.
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks.
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.
What do you call a bully on Halloween? A jerk-o-lantern.
What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?
Give me my quarter back.
Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"
Why did the fisherman suddenly redirect his boat?
Just for the halibut.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
I pitcher us together forever.
How do you make a goldfish old?
Take away the “G”!
Red lorry, yellow lorry.
Do you know the easiest way to stop squirrels from playing soccer in your garden is to hide the ball? Well, it drives them nuts.
Q: How does an artist fill in a CV?
A: He draws on experience.
What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo?
“Hop on!”
How do you make a milkshake? Give a cow a pogo stick.
"You can't skele-run from my skele-puns."
After the Palace of Versailles was completed, Louis XIV felt Baroque and roll.
A sheep, an idiot, and a snake walk into a bar.
Baaaa dumb hisssssss.
"I'm so egg-cited, I just can't hide it."
What element comes from Norse mythology? Thorium.
Why don’t snakes drink coffee?
Because it makes them viperactive.
Our weather bureau is actually an umbrella organization.
What do you call a martial arts expert in a tree?
Bruce Leaf.
I showed my mom my report card, she said that she needed to see more A's
I said OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
My wife and I are very competitive, but when it came to flamingo impersonation, I didn't stand a chance
She had a leg up the whole time.
Do you suffer from anxiety that an intruder may be hiding in your room?
You're not alone.
What’s Another Name For iPhone Chargers?
Apple Juice.