Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
My friend has an insect parasite that can't stop fidgeting as it sucks blood.
He has a nervous tick.
What is a car’s favourite bug?
A beetle.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
Q. Why do educated gorillas like the numbers 1, 3, 5, 7, 11 and 13?
A. 'Cause they're prime apes.
What do you call super expensive shoes?
Cashews.
What did the Mama Steam Engine say to her Baby Steam Engine at supper time? “Choo choo!”
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. There is no time.”
What is a mushroom’s favorite hobby? - Spore-t!
What is a dog’s favorite brand of whiskey?
Jack Spaniels.
How many dinosaurs can fit in an empty box ? One . After that, the box isn't empty anymore!
What is a monkey’s favourite cookie?
Chocolate Chimp!
What board game do deer families always play?
Buck-gammon.
What’s green and pecks on trees?
Woody the Wood Pickle.
What was the turkey suspected of? Fowl play.
If you're wondering what to donate to a soup kitchen...
...a dining set would be chair-i-table
I tried to hit the picture cleanly over the fence, but it was framed.
You sleigh me.
My buddy was cast in Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs, but he was still angry because he wasn't Happy.
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays.
I used to work at a nut farm
The work conditions were great but the salary was peanuts
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
Q: What do you call a really violent fruit?
A: A peach breaker
One of my friends got lost while touring Tokyo. Turns out it was all Ja-plan.
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not so sure
If I ever get drafted into the Navy, and they make me choose what boat to get on.
I would just say frig it.
What do you get if your lovers soul was trapped in a sword for all eternity?
A babe-blade.
How do you make a goldfish old?
Take away the “G”!
I love my wife with all my butt! I should have to say heart, but my heart is actually smaller than my butt.
What do you call a dead flamingo?
A flaminghost.
Q: What do you call a weatherman who farts while he pees?
A. Rain with a little wind and thunder.
What did the pumpkin say to the jar? Soon I will be ajar too.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
A child was bored out of his mind. His mother told him that they are going to the laundry mat and the child said "that is the most boring place on earth."
Then the mother said, "Come on, it will be loads of fun."
You can only know the heart of a pineapple with a knife.
What do Penguins like to eat?
Brrrrrrrritos.
Why are cats bad at telling stories? Because they only have one tail!
How do you communicate with a fish? Drop it a line!
Sleigh, what?!
I’m so adjective, I verb noun.
What do you call a werewolf with no legs?
Anything you like – he can’t chase you.
Why couldn't the troll catch any fish?
Because other people took the bait.
You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you.
You have died from dissin' Terry.
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
What do you call a ghost of a man with a broken leg? A hobblin’ goblin.
What did the bone mage use to rob medieval homes?
A skeleton key
You shouldn’t put orange slices in your beer. Well, maybe once in a Blue Moon.
How rich is Avogadro?
He's a multi-mole-ionaire.
What did the duck who learned physics say?
Quark, quark.
What do gnomes use to guard their mazes?
Minitaurs.