Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
When an unripe strawberry saw the ripe strawberry, it went green with envy.
What does Bigfoot do to relax in his spare time?
He goes bird squatching!
Why do computers make such bad boxers?
Their bark is worse than their byte.
My doctor tells me I've got a bacon addiction.
Thankfully he thinks I can be cured.
What are sophisticated realtors known for?
Constantly telling you all about proper tea.
Long thyme no see.
Soft fruits make really supportive parents. Whenever their youngsters fail at something, they just smile and say “Have another bite at the cherry.”
What do you call a jellyfish on a plane?
A flightoplankton.
Why did the cheese lover hide cheese in the back of his fridge?
In queso emergency.
What’s the most supportive beer?
Root beer.
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
What did Santa name his dog? Santa Paws!
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
If Russia attacked Turkey from behind do you think Greece would help?
Vampires are too easy to play jokes on. Suckers.
The artist was great. He could always draw a crowd.
During a family discussion, my father said that grass is not greener than other plants. No one should make a biased grass-umption like that.
Medieval castles would have been great hangout spots in modern times because they had a great knight life!
What did the kangaroo say while volunteering at the homeless shelter?
More-soup-y’all?
Two skeletons are talking in a bar.
Skeleton 1: "Are you going to the funeral tomorrow?"
Skeleton 2: “Of corpse I am.”
Did you hear about the guy who got a metal jaw replacement?
I think he just did it for a tin chin.
A viking adds symbols to an axe he has just made ...
" Oh no iv runed it"
What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall "Dam!"
Why do Santa’s helpers go to therapy?
To help their elf esteem.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
What did Yoda say when he turned a patron away for ordering a pie?
“Dough. Or doughnut. There is no pie.”
It's my first day on the fishing boat and everyone keeps asking if I've found my sea legs.
I'm not falling for it though. I know for a fact that seals don't lay eggs.
Why are pilots so bad at basketball?
Because they're always traveling.
What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!
What did Mrs. Pea say to his wife after she refused to listen to her? "I don't care, just do as you peas."
I yam rooting for you my sweet potato and I won't mash your heart
Q. Where are deceased deer laid to rest?
A. In a moose-oleum.
What’s a milk’s favorite fruit? Cow-conuts.
There once was a koala who could run at a speed of more than 800 miles per hour. He was the first koala to break the sound bearier.
A team of mushrooms was playing basketball against a team of cabbages. The mushrooms won. Everyone cheered for the champignons.
The main difference between a dog and a basketball player is that one dribbles while the other one drools.
Q: Why did peas jump out of an airplane?
A: They wanted to be air pods.
How was the snow globe feeling after the storm?
A little shaken
Two days ago, I named my Wifi to "Hack it if you can".
Yesterday it was changed to "Challenge accepted".
My friend wasn't accepted for a teaching job because he was cross-eyed
They thought he wouldn't be able to control his pupils.
Follow Beethoven's example. People said he was never going to be a musician because he was deaf. Did he listen to them? Of course not.
Interesting that illegally copying on computers is known as piracy.
I suppose you CTRL C
Why are mountains not just funny? Because they are hilarious.
Kids got me an Old-school Chemistry set for Father's Day...
... Totally in my Element.
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
I gave someone directions to a theater today
I guess I am a movie director now.
“Look out for Santa Paws!”
What did the water plant worker say when their facility flooded?
Dam.
Which mammal absolutely loves Merlot and Cabernet?
The Wineoceros.