Double bubble gum, bubbles double
I replaced the milk in the milk carton with lemon juice.
People were really sour about it.
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
Why are sponges and brains similar?
They both like to soak up "material"
What does a chicken need to lay an egg every day?
Hen-durance.
What do you call a dinosaur that drinks curry? A Mega-sore-arse.
What do you call two banana skins?
A pair of slippers.
What is a ghost's favorite place to work?
Ghoul-gle.
What kind of croc hangs out in back passages around town?
An Alley-gator.
What happens when a closet goes into fighting?
It turns into a wardrobe.
What kind of pet fish did the skeleton have?
A bonefish.
Some types of meat like to play around a lot. These are generally the game types.
What do you call a funnel shaped storm made of ketchup?
A tormato.
A young slice of bread came up to his crush. He told her that he was really falling in loaf with her.
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
Why did the koala bear eat so much eucalyptus? He simply couldn’t leaf it alone.
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate?
A Kitty Kat bar.
I’m not a bad putter…
I just can’t catch a break.
Once, a wizard had cursed a knight and turned him into a bird. To express his sorrow, he sang throughout the entire day because he had become a knightingle.
Skier in ER: Doc, I slipped on my way to the chairlift.
Doctor: Icy.
These ideas are too shellow, they won’t be of any help.
I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia that makes me deny the existence of certain 80's bands.
There is no cure.
Who led the Jews across a semi-permeable membrane?
OsMoses.
What did the phone say to begin the race?
On your marks, handset, go!
Fairies just wand to have fun.
How did the pine propose to the apple? With a pineapple ring.
Why was Van Helsing so dedicated to killing Count Dracula?
Because he staked his whole reputation on it!
Couple of friends have decided to put theatre style seats in their house. It will end in tiers.
Why does Bigfoot only leave footprints behind?
Sasquatch doesn't litter in the great outdoors.
You mermake me happy.
Why are wooden hard drives so bad?
They're all bark and no byte.
What do you call a guy who only rides children's bicycles?
A pedalphile
What do you call a duck that steals soap from the bathtub?
A robber ducky.
The reason why bowling alleys are so quiet is such that you can hear a pin drop.
When is a vegetable also a nut?
When it’s a corn!
Did you hear about the ocean and sea having a baby?
It was a buoy!
What do you call a distant shower sponge?
Aloofah.
The skeleton didn't mind that everyone called him a bonehead.
I’m feelin’ green.
Did you hear about the pig that ran the Post Office?
He was the first Porkmaster General.
What sort of lights were on Noah’s Ark?
Flood lights.
What does the pope eat during lent? Holy mackerel!
What do you call a snake that informs the police?
A grass snake.
I came across an injured flamingo the other day. I tried to help, but luckily it was already receiving medical tweetment.
Why are eyes always the last organ harvested?
because they dilate.
Why did the spider get on the computer?
To check his website.
What kind of dog loves bubble baths?
A shampoodle.
I was thinking about hopping in the shower...
But I realized that I might slip and hurt myself.
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.
When I wrote the history of cheese for our term paper in school, our History teacher said it was grate.