What excuse did the late watermelon give his boss? He said be there in 5 boss, I’m just rind the corner.
There's a new film out about two insects that meet in Italy.
It's Rome ants.
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
How do volleyball players deliver their messages? Through Air Mail.
How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.
How many yaks could a yak pack, pack if a yak pack could pack yaks?
"Dad, how do you cast spells?"
"You just follow the instructions."
"Which instructions?"
"Yeah, they're the ones."
What did one horse say to the other after he said he wanted to drop out?
That’s an equestionable decision.
What do you call a berry that plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity!
How did Henry VIII like his coffee? Decap.
What is just as big as a gorilla but literally weighs nothing?
A gorilla's shadow.
How do baby horses get tucked in at night?
They get told a tail.
Ingenious iguanas improvising an intricate impromptu on impossibly-impractical instruments.
Why couldn't the garden gnome run in the marathon?
Because he's not part of the human race!
I'm looking to sell my toothpaste collection.
Don't worry, they're all in mint condition.
Let’s have a shamrockin’ good time tonight!
Why is Frankenstein such good fun?
Because he soon has you in stitches.
What kind of wine do traffic cops like best?
Fine wine!
The only way the mushroom could think of decorating his house was with toadstools.
Q: Why didn't the Pharaoh know where he was?
A: He skipped history class.
What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One is a bottom-dwelling, scum-sucking scavenger and the other is a fish!
The farmer cried wolf when all his three pigs were mauled by the jungle wolf.
Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.
What do you call solid gold bananas? A bunch of money.
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man.
I for one
is something you might do if you had a broken keyboard
If your imagination hits peak high and you combine a toadstool and a suitcase, you won’t have mushroom for your vacation clothes.
I'm reading a book called "The Yellow River"
It's written by I.P. Freely
I wanted to buy a $30 meal for my father, my grandfather and father-in-law. I figured they'd lump em all together and charge a reduced fee.
But no, I was charged $30 a pop.
Q: How do you store water?
A: Cloud storage.
What do you call a police officer who plays the drums?
A beat cop.
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
The navy is now taking dogs along on their submarines
They're subwoofers
Don't worry, bee happy!
The calm before the score
"You're totally scrambling my brain."
What do you get when you cross a Dinosaur and TNT? Dino-mite.
Hold on for deer life.
The man next to her on the train spilled coffee all over her shirt. She responded by showing him dis-stain.
Why are tigers striped? Because they never want to be spotted.
Why did the orange lose his job at the factory? He didn’t concentrate.
Reading is a novel idea.
How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off his tail, he'll be de-lighted.
I knew a detective who always wore a cat costume.
One day I asked him why.
He told me "I am always in purrsuit."
Don’t come to France without any Monet.
What do you call a woman with a frog on her head?
Lily.
What happens before it starts raining candy?
It sprinkles!
What do you call an alien spaceship that goes from planet to planet to planet?
A UF-hoe.
Did Texas survive last week's winter storms?
Burrrrrrrrrrrrrrly.
After which knight is a town in England named? Sir Rey!