I used to be a personal driver in France
But now I have nothing to chauffeur it.
Cell phones are a static symbol.
If Stu chews shoes, should Stu choose the shoes he chews?
Why was the marathon runner plucked out of the race and taken away to jail?
For resisting a rest.
Two meth heads start a relationship, is that considered speed dating
or just mething around?
What symbolizes a goat’s family tree?
A goat of arms.
What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.
What is just as big as a gorilla but literally weighs nothing?
A gorilla's shadow.
What did Yoda say when he turned a patron away for ordering a pie?
“Dough. Or doughnut. There is no pie.”
What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake?
“What’s eating you?”
What did you call the cat next door 10,000 years ago?
A neighbor-toothed tiger.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates!
My girlfriend wants to open a yoga studio, even though she currently cannot afford it.
I told her it's a bit of a stretch.
I have no idea how so many people didn’t make it out the labyrinth.
It only took me a minotaur two.
What happened to the vet that was accused of negligence? They were sued for meow-practice
I just watched Sunday Night Football.
There were Lutz and Lutz of field goals.
Q: Why were the two green pea plants so close?
A: They had deep roots.
What did the bacteria say to the bee to cheer it up?
Gram positive
How do you know flowers are capable of kissing?
They have tulips.
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
What superlative did Robert E. Lee win in high school?
Most likely to secede!
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk?
Dirty looks from the mouse!
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
Why are alligators long and green?
Because if they were small and red, they would be tomatoes.
Wayne went to Wales to watch walruses.
Who invented the Round Table?
Sir Cumference.
Which one of King Arthur's knights named the Round Table?
Sir Cumference
What do you call a cow that doesn’t produce any milk? A milk dud!
Q: What is a peach’s favorite book?
A: War and Peach
There was a rebellious lightning bolt who ended up in juvenile hall.
His parents grounded him so he struck them.
What trophy do you get if you never score any points? The Art Rouse.
If pigs learned to fly, would the price of bacon skyrocket?
skyrocket
What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One is a bottom-dwelling, scum-sucking scavenger and the other is a fish!
Each Easter Eddie eats eighty Easter eggs.
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
What is the angriest place on Earth?
Ire-land
The Queen of the Nile was said to always show a bit of leg...
but Nefertiti.
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
Halloween was nearly over, and the zombie was hurrying to get back to her tomb before the sun came up.
She was rushing so much, she didn't even notice the headstone was the wrong shape before she got in. It was a grave mistake.
All punts are highly intended
What do you call a dinosaur that's a loud sleeper? A Snore-a-sorus
What’s green and hangs from trees?
Giraffe snot.
As soon as the ancient Egyptian kings come to know about the pyramid scheme, they stopped building monuments immediately.
I gave my heart to a girl from Great Britain.
She turns around and Brexit into a million pieces.
How does Toucan Sam wear a belt?
He puts it through his loops
"Don't worry, be hoppy."
Did you hear ISIS is spreading to Italy?
Nobody's concerned though, since it's just Italian ISIS and they're delicious. Especially cherry flavor.
What do skiers order at fast food restaurants?
Icebergers with Chilly Sauce, on the slide.
Why are urinals the worst place to spend time?
Because it’s where all the di**s hang out.