When the giant cannibals started to soak me in vinegar, I'd had enough.
"Why don't you pickle someone your own size?" I shouted.
The feeling you get when you think you have heard these cow puns before is known as deja-mooo.
Did you see that their is a Medieval play about menstruation?
It's a period piece
Why did the two bears break up at the North Pole?
They were polar opposites.
What is a jedi electrician’s favorite tool?
His lightsaber.
Why did the T-Rex get a ticket? He ran through the stomp sign.
Did you hear the joke about the lumberjack, The sheep and the goat?
I wood tell ewe, but it’s a baaaaaad joke
What do you call a snowman that tells tall tales?
A snow-fake!
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.
My boss told me that he was going to fire the person with the worst posture
I have a hunch, it might be me.
What is the collective noun for Ghosts? Team spirit.
What kind of werewolf can track down flowers ?
A bud hound
I got fired from my job as a submarine pilot.
I just don't get it. My performance reviews always said my work was sub-standard.
The medieval ages were technologically advanced. Take, for example, the guillotine, it was such cutting-edge technology.
Winter is un-brr-lieveable!
What did the outraged female deer say to the mule?
How deer you!
Summer went swimmingly this year.
If you are wondering about the most important constitutional right of a peach citizen, well, it's none other than freedom of peach.
They say March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. Ewe might say it leaves sheepishly.
What do you call a very little cherry? Pit-iful.
Why is the ocean always blue?
Because the shore never waves back.
What do you call a group of rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hareline
“How do the elves clean Santa’s sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!”
Why couldn’t the donut reach enlightenment? Because it was already holy.
What key on the keyboard is truly out of this world?
The spacebar.
Two male zebras in the Zoo started making rap-music.
They're called the Zbruhs.
Did you hear about the Heisman Trophy candidate who falsified his rushing stats?
The yards were stacked in his favor!
Why didn't the conductor know what to do when he found that his train was missing?
He wasn't trained for this.
Even though Jake was a heartthrob Casanova, he just had to break up with his long-time watermelon vending girlfriend; said she was always melondramatic about everything.
Hey baby, are you a cloud server?
Because I have something to upload from my hard drive.
You met all of my koala-fications
What do you call a ghoul who sits too close to the fire?
A toasty ghosty.
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
What do you call a detective who is also a real estate agent?
Sherlock Homes
How did the shark plead in the murder case?
Not gill-ty.
What did the duck say when the waitress came?
Put it on my bill.
What did the man say after his boss threw cheese, milk, and creamer in his face? How dairy!
Let's play some scrabble, I just need to get the croc-a-tiles.
What mouse was a Roman emperor? Julius Cheeser!
After completing the deadline just in the nick of time, the artist breathed a cyan of relief.
Why don’t oysters share their pearls? Oysters don’t share their pearls because they’re shellfish!
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
What is a skeleton’s favorite type of film to watch?
A spine-tingler.
How did the skeleton baker make bread?
He Knee-d it.
What do dairy products say when they make a basketball shot? Colby!
What do you call an elephant that’s never clean?
A smelly-phant.
I like to crouch down, hug my knees and lean forward.
That's just how I roll
Dublin over in laughter.
I'd steer clear of dating a dyslexic bus driver.
Sure, they may take you places, but there'll be mixed signals along the way.
My real estate agent lied. He said my house had a 1,000 carpet area, but I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs in there...