Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”
How rare is an excellent father?
Legen-daddy
I said to my son, "There's only one thing about Halloween that scares me."
He asked, "Which is?"
I replied, "Exactly!"
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
The killer whale planned its attack on the seals for weeks.
It was very carefully orca-strated.
"You make me egg-static."
"You focaccia bag, crumb back and get it."
A vampire broke up with his girlfriend when she had a blood test. He told her she wasn't his type.
What do you call a cross between a donkey and a zebra?
Debra.
I can’t afford to pay for electricity anymore; these are some dark times.
Which baseball player makes the best pancakes?
The batter.
The target in soccer is to kick it where it counts.
Why did the fisherman suddenly redirect his boat?
Just for the halibut.
What did the drum say about his childhood?
Those were the cymbaler days.
What sandwich spread makes people itch?
Flea-nut butter.
What happens when Greeks come back from war?
They get a gyro’s welcome.
Where did the hamsters invade the beaver colony? Hamsterdam.
My shampoo bottle was empty. I turned to the only other bottle in the shower and said, "help me body wash...
You're my only soap!"
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
The medieval queen was unhappy when she saw that it was pouring outside. She sighed to herself, "This could be another reigny day."
Where do Danish players aim with the puck? Top kroner.
What do you call a can of soda in a conglomerate? Coca-Cola Clastic.
Had a great weekend. Won the annual weather forecaster's championships!
I beat the raining champion.
What do you call a program that uses every possible combination to crack a password?
A battering R.A.M.
What did the patient say after that gave blood?
I feel drained.
How do you know your dehydrated? You can hear your red blood cells crenating.
What should someone do if they are stuck between a jaguar and a tiger? Simple, just take the Jaguar and drive away from the tiger.
"Did you hear how the baker proposed to his girlfriend?"
"Yeah, he told her he loafed her more than life itself"
"No, he actually told her how much he kneaded her"
Why was King Arthur’s army too tired to fight?
All of those sleepless knights.
I have written a book on Penguins.
In hindsight, paper would have been better.
Why did the donut go to the doctor?
He was feeling crumby.
Why do trees make the worst enemies?
Because they are the best at throwing shade.
How are pirates like trumpets?
They murder the high C’s!
What's long, surprisingly bigger than expected, comes in different colors, and everyone wants a ride from?
A limousine.
What do you call a pig thats wrong? Mistaken bacon.
What do you get when you cross a cow and an earthquake?
Milkshake.
What was that knight's name who would always go around and call other knights by their last names? Sir Name.
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
Which car does the Mensa student drive?
A Smart car.
What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?
COOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Scuba diving is a good hobby... if you wanna hit rock bottom.
It’s the fawn of a new day! - said the deer happily after waking up.
Volleyball is air affair. This would be a good motto for your team.
What’s a calendars favorite fruit?
Dates.
Did you hear about the frozen dessert whose wife had a baby?
Now he’s a popsicle.
My sister's laptop is so sassy and fun, it loves to play disc-o music.
What happened to the man who didn’t pay his exorcist? His house was repossessed.
What do you call a ghost of a man with a broken leg? A hobblin’ goblin.
Q: Why are tigers religious?
A: Because they prey frequently, and prey as a family!