What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.
Crows love Cawnie Chung, their favorite reporter.
Which local sportswriters are most effusive? Those who work in the praise
box!
Did you hear about the panda that had a slight stutter?
Seems it’s a story that bears repeating.
But would they be stoned by the goalie?
No, they'd smoke it right between the pipes!
What do you call an extremely disgusting unicorn that no one likes? An eeeww-nicorn.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
I am still trying to launch beef and cream out of a mushroom cannon. It is not stroganoff.
In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?
The battle of Portaloo.
How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.
What do ghouls drink?
Boos!
A wolf that uses bad language is known as a swearwolf.
“Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.”
Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult
Why should you not play volleyball in court? Because you could get arrested.
The coffee shop kept samples of burnt coffee as evidence to fire their roaster.
It was used as grounds for dismissal.
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
Did the Vikings believe in reincarnation?
That's a re-Thorical question.
I made a fiddle from a squash yesterday...
... i think it's broken, it only plays gourd vibrations.
Where do you find giant snails?
At the end of a giant’s finger.
Why do the blondes prefer to have se* instead of bowling?
The balls are lighter, and you don't have to change shoes.
I'd want to know why the winters are so cold in America. I think Alaska local.
A biologist, a chemist and a statistician are out hunting.
The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5th to the left.
The chemist takes a shot and misses 5th to the right.
The statistician yells "We got 'em!"
I am an introvert, but you know how to bring me out of my shell.
What is the biggest ant in the world?
An elephant.
I walked into my sister's room and tripped on a bra... It was a booby trap.
What’s that green head of something that is the main part of a salad?
Lettuce think about it.
What happens when Bigfoot gets lost in the fog?
He is mist!
What’s the difference between Spring Break and Summer Break?
Jumping on the bed won’t make a Summer Break.
Why did the Vikings not have high doorknobs?
Because of Loki.
What is the definition of “moon”?
The past tense of “moo”.
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock in a pestilential prison with a life-long lock, awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock from a cheap and chippy chopper with a big, black block.
Being in love is a lot like central heating in your home.
You turn it on just before your guests come over and pretend that your house is always like this.
What did the football player say to the flight attendant?
"Put me in coach."
My wife said we needed to have a serious talk about my obsession with furniture.
I said we could table it for now.
Please excuse my resting beach face.
What did the ghost teacher say to her class? - Look at the board and I’ll go through it, again.
I had this disturbingly long dream that I was making a salad.
I was tossing all night.
"I'm dyeing to know what's up."
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
How do astronauts eat their ice cream? In floats!
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
What vegetable is not allowed on ships? Leeks.
What kind of donuts can fly?
The plain ones.
Why did the zombie stop teaching?
He only had one pupil!
Vincent Van Gogh met a knight during the latter part of his life, who inspired him to draw one of his most famous paintings - The Starry Knight.
Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend? Because his friend said dinner is on me.
Having rumpled clothing is a pressing issue, but I am sure that I can iron out a solution.