Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
When does a turkey go "mooooo"? When it is learning a new language!
There are two skeleton teachers at school. One is humerus, but the other is very sternum.
What does it do before it rains candy? It sprinkles! What do you call dancing chocolate bar? Nestle Crunk bar.
The evil King of Weatherland only had one favorite weather - hail, storm.
What is a popular videogame for young utensils?
Fork Knife.
Why are wooden hard drives so bad?
They're all bark and no byte.
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park. But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
What did the girl say when she got a fake call? "I think that call was phoney".
What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?
“For Lease Navidad.”
We were mermaid for each other.
Hey shawty, it’s sherbert day.
The cabinet I made just collapsed and a bunch of books fell and hit me.
I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
What did one cheese say to the other during philosophy class?
“I dis a brie.”
The Mad Hatter and the Queen of Hearts had a rental agreement
A lease in Wonderland.
I saw a strawberry with a gun, robbing a man. I am guessing he was in a jam.
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Beaver Y.
Beaver Y. who?
Bea-ver-y quiet, you are in a library.
Where’s the best beach to buy sports gear at?
Jersey Shore.
What are the best kind of flowers to get your girlfriend after screwing up?
Whoopsie Daisies
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
What type of keys does the gingerbread man unlock his door with? cook-keys!
I’m bacon you! Please stop with the meat puns!
Who has the best place on a sailing ship?
The mast, because it has the pole-position.
You know, I didn't kiss my wife until I was married...
because she wasn't my wife until we were married.
How can you tell that a blondes been baking chocolate chip cookies? Theres M&M shells all over the floor.
What do you call a camper driving through frozen rain?
Van Hailin’.
A vampire can't be a comedian. They just aren't funny, and worst of all they always know they suck.
Do you suffer from anxiety that an intruder may be hiding in your room?
You're not alone.
What does a penguin where to the beach?
An ice cap.
What element comes from Norse mythology? Thorium.
They were building a meat tower next door.
The steaks just kept getting higher.
What do you get when you cross a pig and superman?
The Man of Squeal.
Grasshoppers do not fancy soccer matches because most of them prefer cricket matches.
What is a Viking's favorite music?
Ragnarock.
Why was the realtor upset with his truck driver client one day?
The client wanted a house with really long haul ways.
I seem to have run out of tea...
What a catastrotea.
What do chickens grow on?
Eggplants.
What was the most famous bat comedy team?
Ab-bat and Costello.
Today I went to the bee store
And I wanted 12 bee's but when I checked out the cashier gave me 13 and I asked him why he gave me 13 instead of 12 and he said it was a free bee.
[Water Slide] I was going to get some work done, but I decided to let it slide.
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
You snooze. You booze.
Crows go to get their shopping at Cawst Co.
Some cherry puns are just pit-i-ful.
If the wooden face mask was popularized by Jacques Plante, was the wooden
cup made popular by Jock Plank?
A brand new real estate agent walks into a Realtor’s office for their interview. “It says here you quit your last job selling duct tape after only three months,” the Realtor asked. “Why did you quit?” “I just couldn’t stick with it,” they responded.
What is an owl’s favorite Beatles’ song?
Owl you need is love.
How do elephants bathe?
With their trunks on.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry
Me: It’s a sacrifice to the dryer gods.
My dad: It’s a sockrifice.
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.