I made a snap decision to watch football today.
What does a meditating egg say?
Ohmmmmmmmlet.
Why was the Navy Seal sad?
He doesn't like the color blue.
What do koalas do when they’re facing a tough situation? They grin and bear it.
What do you get if you feed gunpowder to a chicken?
An egg-splosion.
What does a duck that’s made of avocado say?
Guac.
How does a car begin telling you bad news?
‘I hate to brake it to you…’
What is American football called in other countries?
30.48 cm ball.
What did the coffees say before their night out? Let's stir up some trouble.
Do you know where I store all my dad jokes?
In a dad-a--base
Leaf me alone.
What was it like to fight Medusa?
- At first I was afraid, then I was petrified...
Why are fish so smart?
They spend a lot of time in schools.
Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.
Why didn’t the chef slice his cheese?
He had grater plans.
Best in snow.
I’m feelin’ pine.
Why don't they make ice cream from breast milk? It's an udderly bad idea!
How do you find a missing train? Follow the tracks
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
What do you call a cold dog?
A pup-sicle. Better steer clear, especially if he’s fur-ocious… don’t want him to give you frost-bite.
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
After all is red and done, all the colors in the rainbow are equally beautiful.
Q: How does a butcher keep his tent up in a strong winds?
A: With steaks!
"Beat it." — Michael Jackson, "Beat It"
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
What does a hunter do with a basketball?
He shoots it.
Don’t be hay-tin on autumn!
Why did Rome Fall?
Because it slipped on some Greece.
If I were to wander around in Italy...
Would I be roamin'?
I used to be a personal driver in France
But now I have nothing to chauffeur it.
Cell phones are a static symbol.
If Stu chews shoes, should Stu choose the shoes he chews?
Why was the marathon runner plucked out of the race and taken away to jail?
For resisting a rest.
Two meth heads start a relationship, is that considered speed dating
or just mething around?
What symbolizes a goat’s family tree?
A goat of arms.
What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.
What is just as big as a gorilla but literally weighs nothing?
A gorilla's shadow.
What did Yoda say when he turned a patron away for ordering a pie?
“Dough. Or doughnut. There is no pie.”
What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake?
“What’s eating you?”
What did you call the cat next door 10,000 years ago?
A neighbor-toothed tiger.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates!
My girlfriend wants to open a yoga studio, even though she currently cannot afford it.
I told her it's a bit of a stretch.
I have no idea how so many people didn’t make it out the labyrinth.
It only took me a minotaur two.
What happened to the vet that was accused of negligence? They were sued for meow-practice
I just watched Sunday Night Football.
There were Lutz and Lutz of field goals.
Q: Why were the two green pea plants so close?
A: They had deep roots.
What did the bacteria say to the bee to cheer it up?
Gram positive
How do you know flowers are capable of kissing?
They have tulips.