Great news! I'm a movie director now! I gave stellar directions to a very lovely family on their way to the theatre.
I left my job at the keyboard factory today. To be honest, I had been looking for an Escape for a while.
Why did the skeleton want to join band?
He wanted a trom-bone!
What do horses like to put on their egg salad sandwiches?
MayoNAYS!
It is difficult to hold up a trouser. How does Jupiter does it? Simply, with an asteroid belt.
Sorry kids - we won't be carving pumpkins this year... Sorry to squash your enthusiasm.
I wasn’t sure if I ordered enough tacos from Taco Bell.
So I got a just in quesadilla.
What kind of socks do you need to plant cayenne pepper? Garden hose!
I’d like to buy a catamaran or a yacht.
I’d like to get the best of boat words.
What do you get if you cross a gnome and a tauren?
A mini-taur.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws.
Why was the penguin a good race car driver?
He always started in pole position.
What do you get if you cross a dinosaur with a pig?
Jurassic Pork.
You make miso happy.
Q. What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
What did the Australian cowboy charge for kangaroo rides?
A Buckaroo
What do you call a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts? A Pharaoh Roche.
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During ape-ril showers.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her.
Who is king of all the mice?
Mouse Tse Tung!
Where do school-going vampires carry their books?
In bat-packs.
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his colonic? No FRACKING way!
What is it called when a gardener covertly listens to foliage falling in the fall?
Leaves-dropping.
What do you call a mouse with no balls?
Optical.
What do you call a murder where the perp runs away on a bicycle?
A drive bike shooting
Why couldn't the alpha helix say the alphabet?
Because it broke up every time it got to L-amino P.
The earth's rotation really makes my day.
My electrician friend accidentally blew the power to the ice-making factory. Now they’ve gone into liquidation.
Where do gorillas go to after work?
The monkey bars.
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Real rocks are too heavy.
Why are Ghosts so lonely? They have nobody to lean on.
It’s allergy season again?! You’ve got to be pollen my leg.
Before they go out to a basketball game, all cheerleaders down several bottles of root beer.
What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?
Wait until he’s finished.
Some people like to play croc-quet.
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
It takes one to snow one.
What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
What's the name of the funniest mountain range in the world? The Himhilarious.
Pad kid poured curd pulled cod.
I was walking down an alley in Scotland when I found a severed man's hand...
I wonder if he was kilt.
How much does it cost to fly Santa’s sleigh?
About 9 bucks.
You can't ever get the attention of a vampire on Halloween. They're way too busy looking for their necks victim.
What is a witch's favorite ride at the fair?
A scary-go-round.
How did the mother know her child would become a neuroanatomist?
He was constantly staining stuff.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
Last night I was but by a bloodsucker from the moon.
Damn lunatics.