Police were called to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
I'm always really disappointed when I pull up to a yard sale...
And they aren't willing to sell me any of their yards.
What did the fawn say to warn her friend about the haunted house?
“Don’t go deer!”
Purple paper people, purple paper people, purple paper people.
What does a skunk’s car run on?
Fumes.
The watermelon plant didn’t like sharing a garden with passion vines; but they started to grow on him.
Have you seen that awesome video of a Koala drinking tea high up in the trees?
It’s super high Koala-tea
What did the evaporating raindrop say?
I’m going to pieces.
Where does a Viking keep their baby?
In the Norsery."
Why didn't the unripe strawberry got any cards and chocolates for Valentine's Day? Because it was really sour.
How do you let a deer know you like her?
You fawn over her.
Dad Bee left. Mama Bee calls out ...
Honeycomb home!
If you throw your peas in the sky you get air pods.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
I got a new cell phone for my wife...
Pretty awesome trade if you ask me!
The perfect name for a pig that plays basketball is a ball hog.
What's a werewolf healed from Lycanthropy?
Over the moon.
What is a deer’s favorite meal of the day?
“Deer-ner.”
The wind is following a new workout program. It’s called air conditioning.
What type of fruit includes Barium and double Sodium? BaNaNa.
I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
An ig is just a snow house without a loo!
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
I was at a funeral & asked the priest for the WiFi password
"Have some respect for the dead!" he said
I replied "Is that all lower case?"
“Did you know that Father Christmas has a daughter? Her name is Mary Christmas.”
Why was the bus driver so confused? He was 'bus-t' in traffic!
What does a cow put on his French toast?
Moooolasses.
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
Before they go out to a basketball game, all cheerleaders down several bottles of root beer.
What is a koala’s favorite pop singer? Koala Rae Jepsen. Her most popular song? “Koala Me Maybe”.
I had a goat’s cheese pizza the other day.
He wasn’t happy.
A friend of mine swallowed some food colouring. He feels he dyed a little inside.
A star athlete in Koalaville got kicked off the Olympic team for cheating. Unfortunately, he was diskoalafied.
Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home
A woman bought a rooster, wanting to hear it crow.
However, it turns out the rooster was mute, so she was out of cluck.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
What did the river say to the beaver? You look so tide'y.
What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
“Dachshund Through the Snow.”
What’s a pizza maker’s favorite song?
Slice, Slice Baby
What kind of musical instrument do mice play? A mouse organ! Why do mice have long tails? Well, they'd look silly with long hair!
But wait—there’s myrrh.
Two blood cells can meet and fall in love with each other, but it is all in vein.
What do snowmen do on Christmas?
Play with the snow angels.
what does goblin's blood consist of?
A hemogoblin
On reflection, vampires aren't actually that scary.
My neighbors are listening to great music.
Whether they like it or not.
Where do parrots get away on holiday? To the beak!
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”