When does it start to rain money?
When there is change in the weather.
What’s the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag
A tea bag stays longer in the cup.
"I'm not a wino. I'm a wineYES!"
Are you a lightbulb? Because you turn me on.
When the storm begun, the garden party became a bit disorganized and food service was turned to a frost come frost served.
A young boy and his dad laid on the grass, looking at the sky. The boy asked, "Dad, will you teach me about the sky?"
The dad replied, "Son, it's way over your head."
Why do volleyball players join the military? They want to gain extra experience in the service.
Why don't skeletons play baseball?
Because they don't have the heart for it.
What did the knife say to the other knife? Knife to meet you!
Q: Why is it so windy in England?
A: Because Harry Kane (hurricane) lives there..
What is a frog’s favorite drink on a hot summer day?
Croak-o-cola.
I don’t wanna taco ‘bout it
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns! What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A "hollow-weenie!"
What's the name of the funniest mountain range in the world? The Himhilarious.
A young man had just returned home from culinary school and was telling his family about everything he had learned.
"The most interesting thing I learned was about the French Fry", he told them.
"Combing through historical records, we found that it was not first fried in France!"
His family was astounded, and asked where it was fried originally.
"In Grease, of course."
I’m a hardcore believer in the “i before e except after c” rule
It’s science.
Tis the sea-sun.
How should you live your life? By seasoning the moment.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
If you do bowling and for some reason you can’t hear a pin drop, something could be wrong with your bowling.
I bought a really small cow last week. I really wanted to try condensed milk.
just witnessed a chicken try to pick up a piece of corn for 5 minutes,
ImPeck-able.
What to you call a legume with facial hair?
A mustachio!
I met an annoying squid who wanted to become a comedian.
He wouldn’t stop kraken jokes.
Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
Because they spend years at C!
What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
Toilet paper plays an important roll in my life, it would be pretty sh**ty without it.
What is a dog’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone
The male pig puts everyone to sleep.
You might say he’s quite a boar.
A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers.
He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.
What do you call someone who owns a boat dealership?
A Sailsmen.
Whats The Most tiniest Virus Ever? "smallpox".
Why did the dyslexic elf get fired?
He kept writing "From Satan" on children's New Year presents.
I saw my neighbor, slumped over his lawnmower, crying his eyes out.
I think he’s going through a rough patch.
What do you call a secret group of llamas?
The i-llama-nati.
Condoms are like ear muffs.
They prevent a lot of noise.
Why did they arrest the volleyball player? They suspected foul play.
Q: What anime series do fruits like to watch?
A: One peach.
Witch doctors write their prescriptions in curse-ive.
Getting lucked up on St. Patrick’s Day.
Why can't you take a turkey to church? They use FOWL language.
What is a frustrated mother’s favorite month?
I SAID NO-vember.
What do you call a nut on a Wheelchair?
“A busted nut.”
I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".
Why was the potato put in an asylum? It was starch raving mad.
Where do bugs go to watch the big game? Apple-Bees.
Today my "O" button on my keyboard stopped working.
Maybe it was a sign I should've stopped o-ppressing the keyboard.
Why did Bill's friend get covered in beer?
Because William Shakes Beer.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
My dad always said the secret to theatre was to always leave them wanting more.
He was a great guy but a terrible anaesthetist.