How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? Every night he turns into a bat.
The pancake thought he was the best breakfast food because nobody stacked up to him.
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
Dung beetle walks into a bar....
"Is this stool taken?"
I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.
Riveting stuff.
How will you make a baby astronaut fall asleep peacefully? Rock-et.
Here’s the game plan: [party details]
With salsa, cheese dip, and guac, our bowl game is hot.
How do pirates prefer to communicate?
Aye to aye!
Halloween Math
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
Why did the forest ranger never put their tent between fires
because if they did the tents would be in a across fire
Why do fish swim in schools?
Because they can't walk.
What did the snowman eat?
Icebergs with chilli sauce.
What do you call a strawberry in math?
A berry-able.
I threw a fuzzy peach at my doctor's head and he said "that's not assault that's a sugar."
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
What happened when the knife went for a drive?
It took a sharp turn.
Where do cows write down their most intimate thoughts? Inside of their dairy.
What's the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?
Black eyed peas can sing a tune, chickpeas can only hummus one.
What does a queen want on her cookie?
Royal Icing.
What’s the ratio of a pumpkin’s circumference to its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
How do bats greet a friend?
With a sound wave.
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
How do you make Ohio State University cookies? Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.
Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
I saw the chicken quickly crossing the basketball court? Then I remembered that the referee was blowing fowls.
What do you get with surprise peas?
Wet legs
What's a lion's favorite color?
ROARange
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
Did you just hear that perfume bottle talk?
I think it's becoming scentient.
What do you call it when Dr. Frankenstein makes tea?
A monstrositea.
Why did the man eat the light bulb? He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.”
What is the favorite punk band of onions? It is a band known as "Good Shallot"!
Why did the neuron like to sleep in the top bunk bed?
It wanted to have a high resting potential.
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
Did you hear the little loaves playing hide-and-seek earlier? They kept yelling, “Bready or not, here I come!”
Someone told me I looked like a salt shaker. I took it as a condiment.
When God integrated Planet Earth, he didn’t forget his integral calculus lesson.
He remembered to add the sea.
Why is research more trustworthy if it comes from France?
It's Pierre-reviewed.
Why did the skeleton start a fight?
He had a bone to pick.
What do horses use to eat?
Breastplates.
By the seat of one’s punt
Why did the zombie bite off the comedian's hands?
His jokes were too funny to handle.
The beauty with bowling is that you can get three strikes, but you still remain in the game.
Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
What do you can a kangaroo covered in tape?
Hopscotch
Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern this Halloween — share your candy!
What did the Spanish fireman call his two sons?
José and Hose-B.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
Why does Bigfoot only leave footprints behind?
Sasquatch doesn't litter in the great outdoors.