What should you put on the tomb stone of a mathematician?
"He didn't count on this."
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
What type of weapon can you make with potassium, iron and nickel? A KniFe.
Why was the nice guy such a lousy baseball player?
Because he never got to home base.
Can I have your last avocado?
Avocadon’t you dare.
She stood on the balcony, inexplicably mimicking him hiccuping, and amicably welcoming him in.
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.
Resting Grinch face.
The best way to get back at someone is to push them in the snow; after all, revenge is a dish best served cold.
Mom, what do we have for dinner? I cannot tell you, son, it is a soup-rise! Is it soup? I soup-pose it would be.
Why do crabs never give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish.
How do you get into the mush-room? Ring the porta-bella.
What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.
Why are crows the safest flying birds?
They're the most CAWtious.
The only things wolves have that no other animal on the face of the earth has are wolf cubs.
What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter? Pumpkin-Pie!
How do you catch a unique tiger?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame tiger?
Tame way.
Why should you you stand on the service line? So that you can order ice cream.
The only problem with golf is...
The slow groups are always in front of you and the fast groups are always behind you.
Why does Britain like tea so much?
Because tea leaves.
Why did the bees go on strike? Because they wanted more honey and shorter working flowers.
What do you call a serial killer watermelon? A slaughter melon.
Why do people hate bee puns?
Because they don’t want to beelieve they are good
Truck drivers have a great way of settling disputes – they only use their horns. It’s known as a fight to the deaf.
What is a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai tree.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
The best holiday for you to go bowling is thanksgiving because you will get turkeys.
What do emo birds call their mouths?
Bleaks.
Where do beavers sleep? They sleep on a river bed.
The knight fell very sick over the weekend. He had a running temperature and was feeling very nauseous. The doctor called it the Saturday Knight Fever.
If you don’t have a lot of figurines from Ancient Greek mythology, I can give you a mini tour.
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
Drums - You can't beat 'em. Well, you have to, really.
Who in the hell names their son “Tiger” ?
Only people in the Woods’
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
You’re sleigh-in’ it.
What does the queen bee of every hive tell their workers to do?
She tells them to bee productive.
What is a bear’s favorite soda?
Coca Koala.
Spending time at the pool really floats my boat.
When you get a rainbow after the rain at least you are moving in the bright direction.
“What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve!”
Poured beer over my garden before planting the lawn. I hoped the grass would come up half cut.
What’s the difference between a punter and punster?
A punster gets his kicks with bad puns like these!
Why is the pickle container always open?
Because it's ajar.
Why did the blonde throw her favorite doll on the grill? She thought it was a Barbie-Q.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theatre?
A: They apparently went to see "Closed For The Winter"
Who’s a llama’s favorite actor?
Al Pacacino.
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
A person who only loves himself and waffles in the entire world is an Eggomaniac.
Why was the potato put in an asylum? It was starch raving mad.