How do you get more bounce in a water bed?
Put some spring water in it
What is a dog’s favorite coordinates?
K9.
What did the flower do when she was challenged?
Rose to the occasion.
I used to get heartburn when I ate birthday cake until a doctor advised me to take the candles off first.
How did the coconut hit on the pineapple? It said ” you are the pina to my colada.”
What do you call a pickle from the southern backwoods.
A hill-dilly.
On which website will you learn about the hidden gossips and secrets of the onion world? On the website Wiki-Leeks.
What do pixies use to clean their teeth?
Fairy floss.
Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Be careful what you say in a corn maze. The walls have ears.
How many drum sets can you store on a sofa?
One per cushion
What do you call a white crow?
A caw-casian.
My moment in the sun.
Why were the volleyball players always tying in tic tac toe? Each time one of them sets an X, the other player just says O.
Why does Elton John HATE lettuce?
Becuase he's a ROCKET MAN...
It takes one to snow one.
Poured beer over my garden before planting the lawn. I hoped the grass would come up half cut.
What did the sad lamp say when plugged in?
"I finally feel better now that I’ve got an emotional outlet."
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
Well, you have to hand it to relay runners, don't you?
My job installed this new faucet.
I'm really faucinated by it.
Which roman emperor was a mouse? Julius cheeser!
The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.
In Spain, you should not develop a program beyond 2.0.
Because that would be over dos.
Where do point guards take their dates to party after the game?
To a basket ball.
What do you call someone who eats too many eggs?
An egg-oholic.
Why didn't the watermelon marry the strawberry?
They cantaloupe.
Have a s-mash-ing birthday!
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
I thought I'd have some evaporated milk on my pudding. But when I opened it, it was empty.
If snowmen can’t ride bicycles, tricycles, or unicycles, what can they ride?
Icicles!
What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children? "If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!"
Girlfriend was working on the motorcycle with me the other day...
She exclaimed "God! This is ridiculous. I need, like, four arms to do this!".
To which I replied "but honey, you DO have forearms!"
If you can't beat them...
Just have your eggs fried.
Why do Penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they haven’t got any pockets.
Australia announced that they have begun dumping sewage into the ocean
It’s now classified as an in-continent.
Q. What is another name for elk diarrhea?
A. Chocolate Moose.
Pete's pa pete poked to the pea patch to pick a peck of peas for the poor pink pig in the pine hole pig-pen.
What do you call a baby potato? Tater tots!
What do bony people use to get into their homes?
A skeleton key.
What do you say to an astronaut looking for a car park
There's a spaceman.
Are any of the Halloween Monsters good at math?
Only if you Count Dracula.
Where do penguins go to the movies?
At the dive-in!
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
A gazillion gigantic grapes gushed
gradually giving gophers gooey guts.
“My bowl of soup must be cracked as it is all wet down here”. “Well, I guess it is because your soup has a leek in it.
What do we call a deer without any eye?
“No – eye – deer.”
Jokes are a lot like American football.
If you haven't gotten anywhere with the first three tries, you'll need to rely on your punner.
What do you call a parrot that flew away?
A polygon.
What do you get when you cross a smurf and a cow?
Blue cheese.