My wife asked why I prefer gummy bears to gummy worms.
I said that gummy worms are beneath me.
How do you come up with a secure password to protect yourself against hackers?
Just make it the last 10 digits of pi.
What do you call a Koala that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
What key has legs and can't open doors? A Turkey.
What’s the most supportive beer?
Root beer.
What do gnome mothers often say to their naughty children? Wait till your father gets gnome.
What does a skeleton play in a band?
A Trom-Bone.
Do you know why does your mother often shave a peach when cooking? Because she only needs nectarines for the recipe.
The First World War ended very quickly because they were Russian.
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
I once played chess with an Egyptian King...
...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
Why couldn't the skeleton get a date to the dance?
He doesn't have the heart to ask anyone out.
Where is a frog's favorite place to eat?
At IHOP.
What do you call an undead bee?
A zom-bee.
What can I say? I enjoy going to court.
So sue me.
Why is the ocean always on time?
She likes to stay current.
Why should you never throw a snake like a boomerang?
Because it’ll come back to bite you.
Did you hear about the Pharaoh who was lying in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.
Which dinosaurs were the best policemen? Tricera-cops.
Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff
My girlfriend and I saw an inflatable gorilla In front of a jacuzzi store
She asked me why they would do that for a jacuzzi store. I told her it was a guerilla tactic. She was not impressed.
Which monster did the three bears catch sleeping?
Ghouldilocks!
I'm snow bored.
What kind of pizza do you order on Christmas?
Cheeses Crust.
How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.
Why did the man get so sad his computer had a virus?
It was a terminal illness.
Why didn't Cleopatra confess that she loved Julius Caesar?
Because she lived in the Nile
What did one hat say to the other on the hiking trip?
I'll wait here, you go on ahead.
What did Cinderella Dolphin lose?
Her glass flipper!
Deja moo:
That feeling you've heard this bull before.
Q. Which US city holds the record for suicidal gorillas jumping off skyscrapers?
A. Fall-Adelphia.
March 17 is near, and I am so excited about it. The clover it gets, the more excited I become.
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
Why didn't the Romans have algebra?
Because X always equaled 10!
I wanted to do the dishes and wasn’t sure where I put the dish soap.
Then it Dawned on me.
What do you call a pig that knows martial arts?
Pork Chop
Trying to teach my dad how to put WiFi on his tablet
Me: You just have to go to settings!
Dad: This is just making me upsettings!
On the spot no hesitation! Gotta love him!
What do you call a pig squished by sand? A ham sandwich.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
Just finished my first shift as a lion impersonator.
It was a roaring success.
I thought a thought.
But the thought I thought
Wasn’t the thought I thought I thought.
If the thought I thought I thought,
Had been the thought I thought,
I wouldn’t have thought I thought.
The retiring orchard gardener made a farewell peach that was really heart-warming.
Did you hear about the snake who wrote a love letter to his girlfriend?
He sealed it with a hiss.
What do you call a baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block.
Q: Did you hear about the cherry that liked to explode?
A: It was da’ bomb.
Let’s kick off shall we? I just hope that my unicorn puns won’t be too corny for you.
If an adult is called a unicorn, are its young one’s called puny-corns?
Where did the kittens go on a school field trip? To the mewseum
Have you ever seen the episode of VeggieTales directed by Tarantino?
It’s called Mango Unchained.
Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.