Did you hear about the guy who opened up a store where they only sell Swiss cheese?
It’s a hole business strategy.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
What did the mother bread tell her baby roll? You really are the apple of my rye.
Q: Which basketball players eat fruits?
A: The ones who like to cherry pick.
Why was the cat kicked out of the game? They thought she was a cheetah.
When do franks tell insults? At a wienie roast!
How do knights communicate?
They use chain mail.
My glasses fogged up once I came out of the AC room last summer, but I was okay because I was opti-mistic.
When I got my first job at the bowling alley, I was only tenpin.
What's faster - lightning, light, or diarrhea?
Diarrhea. Because I ran like lightning to the bathroom, turned on the light, but the diarrhea was already there.
What is it called when a witch only casts spells that rhyme?
Poetry in Potion.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
To get to the peanut.
Skeleton 1: Why are graveyards so noisy?
Skeleton 2: I don't know. Why?
Skeleton 1: Because of all the coffin.
Sigmund Freud used to always wear a piece of jewelry on his wrist...
It was an id bracelet.
Q: How is hurricane season like Christmas?
A: At some point, there’s going to be a tree inside your house.
What’s Austrian and took over France?
Croissants.
What do sharks order at McDonalds?
A quarter flounder.
What nut is broken?
“A silly nut”
Why did the blonde run backward?
She wanted to gain weight.
A man just attacked me with cheese and milk.
How dairy!
Why was the Pirate sad when his parrot left him?.
It gave him the cold shoulder.
Why did the elephant start the stampede?
Because it wanted to be herd.
I hear there's a new COVID-19 vaccine delivered via an audio interface as music.
It is hoped that this will lead to heard immunity.
Did you know there is a new horse species with one eye and a horn?
It's called a unicornea.
What do fruits do when they are really really afraid? They run away as fast as their legs can cherry them.
I tried to come up with a funny theatre joke, but it was all just an act.
How do eggs get around?
On a s-egg-way.
Why did the ghost go to the big Labor Day sale? He’s a bargain haunter.
What do you call a male witch?
Mitch
What do you call a small Subaru car covered in road salt?
An Impretzel!
The First World War ended very quickly because they were Russian.
I just found out what animal’s been getting into my avocado plants...
It was a guaca-mole.
What flowering plant is an amazing equestrian? The horse chestnut.
Why would a cow want to go to space? To see the Milky Way.
What do you call it when you get a month’s worth of rain at once?
England.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
Q: Why were the two green pea plants so close?
A: They had deep roots.
My friends and I are in search of some fresh vegetables puns.
Please lettuce know if you find any.
These thousand tricky tongue twisters trip thrillingly off the tongue.
What do call a cactus which is shaped like a penis
Dildon’t.
My mobile phone has a tuneless ring tone. It's chordless.
I was alone in the bath.
Imagine my surprise when I felt a tap on my shoulder!
Love at frost sight!
What do you call a cat that gets what they want? Purr-suasive.
Pirate ship Captain: Listen up, I need some help in writing 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I captain.
How do you know that beer makes you smarter?
Because it made bud wiser.
What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he liked cool music.
Before training its killer dolphins, Iran had to convert them to fishlam.