My mom is really soup-rised at the outcome when she puts yeast in the broth.
So, if I heat my solid state hard drive until it becomes a gaseous state hard drive
Would that mean I'm doing cloud computing?
What do you call the process of naming the various species of dwarves, faeries, trolls, etc?
Binomial gnomenlature.
Where can you find a bunch of clowns who deserve to be in jail? Silly Con Valley.
What do you call a fascist mosquito?
Benito Mosquitollini.
What do rodents say when they play bingo? 'Eyes down for a full mouse'!
The worst thing about living next door to a good gardener is that the grass is always greener on the other side.
What did the mitt say to the baseball?
Hey baby, you're quite a catch.
The medieval ages were technologically advanced. Take, for example, the guillotine, it was such cutting-edge technology.
What is a car’s favourite band?
Van Halen.
Why did the cat invest in the stock market? He thought is was a good op-paw-tunity
Why did an agent decide to hide his realtor license?
Because he wanted to be a secret agent.
She stood on the balcony, inexplicably mimicking him hiccuping, and amicably welcoming him in.
Dwayne Johnson is studying his family history
Is that Genealogy or Geology?
What kind of melody does a ship makes when if it crashes on shore?
A wreck-quiem.
I feel like Medusa was in some rocky relationships.
I'm Claus-trophobic.
Why did the otter cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
Why don't they galvanize ships?
Because that would make them zinc.
What side of a tiger has the most stripes? The outside.
When were Medieval armies too tired to fight?
When they had a lot of sleepless knights!
When you walk into the bathroom...
Urine there.
What fish only swims at night?
A starfish.
You’re brew-tiful!
The inventor of mosquito repellent likely did not know where to begin...
I guess he would have to start from scratch.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
Why did the egg go to school?
To get egg-ucated.
What do you get when a dinosaur walks through the strawberry patch? Strawberry jam.
I tried to phone the spiritual leader of Tibet once, but I was sent a big goat with a long neck instead.
I must have phoned Dial-a-Llama by mistake.
Do you know why the U.S. Navy always keeps at least two canaries on board each of their submarines?
Because everyone knows that if you have a big sub you also need a good set of tweeters.
Why are cherries unassuming? Because they often get made into humble pie.
Say it ain’t snow.
Where does a lobster keep its clothes?
In the clawset!
My son asked today “ Dad, are people in Spain cannibals?”
I answered “Why would you think that?”
He said “Well, my teacher said they mostly live off of tourists there.”
The pilot was lucky. He always had work. Whenever he made an application, it was almost certain that he would land a job.
Why are the railroad tracks angry? Because people are always crossing them.
What does Eric Clapton and a cup of coffee have in common? They both suck without Cream.
Reindeer don't go to school—they're elf taught.
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance style? Hip-Hop!
I said some stubtly racist stuff to a magpie
She was a victim of my crow aggressions.
What do you call an overly cautious cup of tea?
Uncertaintea.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
What do you call a chameleon that can't change colors?
A reptile dysfunction.
What does a mermaid say when she was leaving the party?
- Sea ya later.
There’s two balloons in the desert. One says look out for that cactus!
The other goes What Cactussssss...
How do you milk sheep ?
Release another iPhone.
Why are cats such great singers? Because they’re very mewsical
What do horses get after graduating university?
A pedegree.
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.
That was thaw-some!