Most of the fruits usually drink their juice with a straw-berry.
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.
It may just be a stage I'm going through, but I sure do love the trapdoors on set.
How do you know if an ant is a boy or a girl?
If you toss it in the water and it sinks, it’s a girl. If the ant floats, it’s a buoyant.
"Is it the tar that smells like farts?"
"No, it was your asphalt"
Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.
When someone accidentally stepped on his foot, the wolf screamed, Aoooowwwww!
Why did a pirate leave the boat to get his forgotten cell phone? Booty calls.
How did dinosaurs clean their teeth?
With flossils.
Why did the werewolf need to talk with the skeleton?
He had a bone to pick with him.
How do you make a glow worm happy?
Cut off his tail, he’ll be de-lighted!
What sound does a bouncy plane make?
Boeing.
What did one hillbilly say to another? I got a new fly rod and reel for my wife. Best trade I ever made.
What do you give a sick pig?
Oinkment.
My wife ordered one of those new heavy blankets but delivery took forever...
She says it was worth the weight.
If I had a talking parrot, the first thing I would teach it to say is "Help, they've turned me into a parrot!"
What did the wig say to the head?
I got you covered.
What do you call a werewolf with no legs?
Anything you like – he can’t chase you.
Can I Alp you?
What’s a potatoes favorite horror movie? The Silence of the Yams.
How do you keep the snow from giving you cold feet?
Don’t go around BRRfooted!
What did the deer say when she wanted to be left alone?
“Doe away!”
What do you call a fake bone?
A faux-knee.
How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon.
How does a bear stop a movie?
They hit the paws button.
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
I had a meal recently that was made with ketchup and mustard.
It was delicious! My condiments to the chef!
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
What do you call an outlaw goat?
Billy the Kid.
I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"
What would you get if you'd put a lawyer in a suit? A lawsuit.
Cut a piece of poo into three pieces today.
Now I have turds.
I told my mother moose were falling from the sky.
She said, "It's reindeer."
3 animals enter a bar. A lion, a tiger and a bear.
Oh my!
Did you hear the results of the game between the beach and the ocean?
It's tide.
Why does the Pope love Swiss cheese so much?
It’s hole-y.
What time do zombies wake up?
At ate o’clock!
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock?
Because it was marble cake!
Why did the guy decide not to donate a dime to any charity raising funds for a marathon?
Because they just take the money and run.
How was the misbehaving lightning bolt punished?
He was grounded.
If cheese were downloadable, then I'd try to throw my hard drive as far as possible.
What I'm saying is, I'd chuck e-cheese.
What’s a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
How do you know flowers are friendly?
They always have new buds!
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance? The bunny hop.
What's a woman and a tea bag got in common?
You don't know strong they are till you put them in hot water.
Donut even think about taking another donut!
I went to an XXX Girls Show in Rome
There were just 30 girls...
I went fly-fishing yesterday.
All I caught was two bluebottles.
How do sick kangaroos get better?
They have a hoperation.