Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.
Why did the gnome take the subway to work?
Because a metro-gnome is always on time.
I hopped on the bus yesterday afternoon. After a few minutes, the driver asked me to sit down like everyone else
Don’t get me wrong, I love our soccer team. However, in sharp contrast to the albatross, our team doesn’t have two decent wings.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
What do you call a goat that acts immaturely?
A silly billy.
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
We all know that monkeys of all species love bananas, however, there is one family that doesn’t really fancy them, the orang-utans.
Q: What did the tornado say to the sportscar?
A: I’m taking you for a quick spin!
The best thing ever to put in a strawberry pie is your teeth.
What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.
How do you know flowers are capable of kissing?
They have tulips.
Nothing really mattress.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.
The head surgeon shouted at me for accidentally severing the patient's spine.
I think I struck a nerve.
Why did the leaf go to the doctor? It was feeling green!
What's a goat's favorite organ?
A Kid-ney
A doctor walked into an exam room to see a patient with carrots sticking out his ears and broccoli up his nose.
The doctor said: “I can tell right away that you haven't been eating properly."
I wanted to catch a squirrel but I didn't know how.
So I decided to climb a tree and act like a nut.
I had to carry a group of crows once.
It was murder on my back!
Me and my ears hate badminton so much
It's making a racket.
What kind of potatoes do zombies like?
Monster mash.
My dad tried to put peas into an orange once. It didn't appeal to me.
My counselor gave me a hug today
I guess I got shrinkwrapped
What do turtles do when one of them has a birthday?
They have a shell-ebration.
“Remember not to leave a fire burning in your fireplace this Christmas Eve, or else you might wake up to a Crisp Kringle.”
I just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They told me I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
I’m kind of a big dill.
Why was the coffee-shop worker fired? He kept showing up in a Tea-shirt.
What do you call an important English snake?
Sir Pent.
I always feel like a winner in France, which is great because I hate Toulouse.
One of my friends got lost while touring Tokyo. Turns out it was all Ja-plan.
What do you call people avoiding healthy fats?
Avocadonts.
I was kidnapped by mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
What does a flower write on their valentine?
Aloe you vera much.
What did the magician say to the fisherman?
"Pick a cod, any cod."
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
There’s this corn on the cob stand that I really like, but it started making ads
They were really corny.
What do you call a fake Nokia? A phone-y of course.
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
Scientist are shocked after discovery of a new african bee species that can keep on flying even after their heart stops.
Local tribes in fear of a zombee apocalypse
When I tried taking a picture of my bread load, it came out grainy. I think that that is a common problem.
What do you call a flying monkey?
A hot air baboon.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
My mother-in-law dropped her iPhone in the toilet...
I told her, "there's a CRAP for that."
Why are trees so active in politics? They really like grass roots movements.
Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.
How do you know if a tiger is male or female?
Throw a rock at it. If he runs it's a male. If she runs it's a female.
A vampire broke up with his girlfriend when she had a blood test. He told her she wasn't his type.
What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
Your mother ate us out of house and home.