When does soil get rich?
When mother nature makes it rain.
Rain doesn’t fall. Raindrops.
Who do you call a pig who can paint like a great artist? Pablo PIGcaso.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
What would a pineapple say to a pineapple pie? You have some crust.
A coworker said, "Oh my gosh there's a mouse on your desk!"
To which, I replied "I know! And it's not working!"
My brother was trampled to death by a flock of sheep.
May he rest in fleece.
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
Why did the bat break up with her girlfriend?
She thought she was a pain in the neck.
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
A turkey's favorite dessert is a strawberry gobbler.
Why are the railroad tracks angry? Because people are always crossing them.
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
I tried to play a bass guitar once.
It didn't make much sound, and it slipped out of my hands and swam away.
The walnut got in trouble for pecan through the window.
I'm going to need to exorcise a lot after all this Halloween candy.
When does it rain brains?
During a brain storm.
Every time I flush the toilet...
Sh** goes down
Where do frogs leave their hats and coats?
In the croakroom.
Where do folks from Bilbao, Spain buy outdoor equipment?
The Basque Pro Shop.
If my Hindu girlfriend thinks I'm going to eat Indian food, she has another think cumin.
Why was the mouse afraid of the water?
Catfish.
If a goat grows a beard, is it a goatee?
What did the koala write in his Valentine’s Day card to his girlfriend? “I love you-calyptus”.
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a four-leaf clover?
The Cluck o’the Irish!
Why wouldn’t the papa bear use a navigation system in his truck?
Because he never lost his bearings.
Q: What do you call a gust of wind full of sand?
A: A rough draft
What is yellow and goes bzzzzzz? An electric banana.
How many indie musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
It’s an obscure number, you probably haven’t heard it.
What is a koala’s favorite soft drink? Koka-Koala, of course!
Most of the fruits usually drink their juice with a straw-berry.
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.
It may just be a stage I'm going through, but I sure do love the trapdoors on set.
How do you know if an ant is a boy or a girl?
If you toss it in the water and it sinks, it’s a girl. If the ant floats, it’s a buoyant.
"Is it the tar that smells like farts?"
"No, it was your asphalt"
Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.
When someone accidentally stepped on his foot, the wolf screamed, Aoooowwwww!
Why did a pirate leave the boat to get his forgotten cell phone? Booty calls.
How did dinosaurs clean their teeth?
With flossils.
Why did the werewolf need to talk with the skeleton?
He had a bone to pick with him.
How do you make a glow worm happy?
Cut off his tail, he’ll be de-lighted!
What sound does a bouncy plane make?
Boeing.
What did one hillbilly say to another? I got a new fly rod and reel for my wife. Best trade I ever made.
What do you give a sick pig?
Oinkment.
My wife ordered one of those new heavy blankets but delivery took forever...
She says it was worth the weight.
If I had a talking parrot, the first thing I would teach it to say is "Help, they've turned me into a parrot!"
What did the wig say to the head?
I got you covered.
What do you call a werewolf with no legs?
Anything you like – he can’t chase you.
Can I Alp you?
What’s a potatoes favorite horror movie? The Silence of the Yams.