The bag of flour was so confused.He thought that he saw his friend the loaf yeast-erday.
I don’t understand why ear biting is a fetish
Almost everyone eats corn.
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.
Q: Why did no one like peach’s personality?
A: Because it had a heart of stone.
Say this aloud: Eye Yam Stew Peed
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
Just been to the funeral of a close friend who died when he was hit in the head by a tennis ball
Great service.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
Teaching babies to walk is hard, but you just have take it one step at a time.
What do you call coffee made from poo?
Crappuccino.
What do you call a ghost who haunts fireplaces? A toastie ghostie.
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a python."
"Oh you can’t get round me like that, you know."
I have always had acrophobia, but the plane flight brought it to a new height.
What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure?
A complete waist of time.
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
Medieval castles would have been great hangout spots in modern times because they had a great knight life!
Why do workers at the dairy factory always need a charger? Their milk is stuck at 1%.
Is your eyesight as bad as your cell phone reception? Because that was a terrible call.
I really like corn, but I can't find it because this time of year it's never in stalk
What do skiers order at fast food restaurants?
Icebergers with Chilly Sauce, on the slide.
Sea you at the beach.
There's a basic difference between weather and climate: you can't weather a tree, but you can definitely climate.
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
What do you call a hippie's wife?
A Mississippi.
Where do pepperonis go on vacation?
The Leaning Tower of Pizza.
What did the goat farmer’s wife say to her husband when he was swearing on the job?
“Not in front of the kids!”
I have no shelf control.
I had one nutty nightmare last night, it gave me a kola sweat.
I tried to milk my cow last night, but nothing I did seemed to work. It was an udder failure.
Why did the zombie go crazy?
He had lost his mind.
What do you call a lobster with a Christmas hat?
Santa Claws
Thankfully, not too many thieves are interested in acting on stage. They'd surely steal the show.
I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture... But when I got home, the tables were turned
Pennies and quarters rain from the sky
"Wow!" I say. "It's climate change!"
How many tacos can an octopus eat?
Ten tacos.
What’s an alligator’s favorite dip?
Croc-amole.
What does seaweed say when it's stuck at the bottom of the sea? "Kelp! Kelp!"
Why did the king order his new castle be built in the evening?
For the night knights!
Why was the knight fighting the tournament with a sword made from cheddar cheese? Because the cheese was extra sharp!
A knight bursts into a blacksmith and yells "You smelt my armor!"
The blacksmith was calm and collected and replied: "Yes, and what a lovely scent it had."
How do elves stay so skinny?
Elfy eating!
Which is a Ghost’s favourite cheese? Ghoul-da Cheese.
What's yellow and writes? A ball-point banana.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
Who brings the monsters their babies?
Frankenstork.
Who does May like the best?
April Showers, because April Showers brings May flowers!
What is an electrician’s favorite flavor of ice cream? Shock-a-lot.”
What do you call a witch who drives badly?
A road hag.
Although he seems happy and bright, the jack-o-lantern was so sad on Halloween because he’s hollow inside.
I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.