What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
I know a guy who absolutely loves his pet Parrot.
He is Polly-Amorous.
How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.
Skeleton 1: Why are graveyards so noisy?
Skeleton 2: I don't know. Why?
Skeleton 1: Because of all the coffin.
I'm Claus-trophobic.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates!
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
Why do cows think cooks are mean?
They whip cream.
What do you call a big Irish spider?
A Paddy long legs.
Every single morning I get hit by the same bike.
It's a vicious cycle.
What was the light bulb’s occupation?
He was a conductor
What do you call a funny bone?
A humerus.
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
How can you tell which end of a worm is which?
Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs!
What do you call a dinosaur with a foul mouth? Bronto-swore-us.
Why do old artists never die? They just put things in perspective.
When the drivers ran out of fuel in the grassland, they refueled their tanks with grass-oline!
How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.
Hear about the race between the Yeti and the Sasquatch?
The Sasquatch won, by a big foot.
What do you call the first person to kill someone with a gun?
First person shooter
Some people say Greece should stop using the euro as currency...
I think they're being over-drachmatic.
Why did the advertising tycoons hire a bunch of apes?
They were running a gorilla marketing campaign.
What is the most affordable type of meat that we would purchase?
“Dear balls because they are always under a buck.”
Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.
Why was the Geologist expelled from Reform School? He was a dirty layer!
Whoever slit the sheets is a good sheet slitter.
I tried my hand at cinematography, but it didn't really pan out.
What do you call a cow in a rooster costume? Roost beef.
Easter and April Fools fall on the same day this year...
You could say it only happens once in a blue moon.
What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.
What do you call a girl with no arms, no legs, sitting in a watermelon patch?
“Melanie! (melon-y)”
I bought a larger sink with a built in subwoofer.
My current one doesn't have enough basin.
A pony goes to see the doctor one day.
He says, "Doc, you've got to help me. I've had this terrible sore throat for weeks and I think there must be some badly wrong."
The doctor examines him and then reassures him saying, "It's okay, it's nothing serious; you're just a little horse."
Since it's Mothers Day weekend, I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a BIG SMILE on her face this morning...
Now I can't have Sharpies in the house anymore.
I can’t afford to pay for electricity anymore; these are some dark times.
Vikings aren't afraid of death.
They know they'll be Bjorn again.
A burglar broke into my house and took all my condiments, now I'm Spiceless in Seattle.
What do you call a monkey with a banana in each ear?
Anything you want, he can’t hear you.
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.
Did you know that fighting increases your risk of heart attack?
Because it's assault.
Where do saplings graduate from? Elementree school.
What do you get when you cross a pig and superman?
The Man of Squeal.
Is this a science class? Because we have great chemistry.
What happens to elves who misbehave?
They get the sack.
What goes inside elves’ pointy shoes?
Their mistletoes.
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
When fishing, is there ever a good reason to take the worm off the hook?
I guess that’s debaitable.
What do you call a pig that practices karate? A pork chop!”
Why was the bread actor so unhappy?
She lost out on a juicy roll.
The soup that she cooks is so thick that the kitchen would go around when she stirs it.