How does a bee get to school?
She takes a school buzz
That wide loaf has a decent bread-th. Nice.
Why did the strawberries turned red? Because they saw the salad dressing.
What did the Christmas tree tell his crush? I pine for you.
Sheep jokes are bad.
Really baaaaaaa-d.
How can you tell if a crab is drunk?
It walks straight
"No body won the skeleton race."
The phone rings, and a crow picks it only to find out it’s for her husband. She then says: "Hey John, you have a phone caw."
What did the bowl of soup write on their Valentine?
I love you pho real.
What did one tidepool say to the other tidepool?
Show me your mussels!
What do you get when you mix an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia.
Why is it sad that parallel lines have so much in common?
Because they’ll never meet.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.
History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
I'm still figuring out how to properly wear a face covering. Before I could master the art I was robbed of my beloved mask...
It was stolen from right under my nose.
What’s the best thing you can put in a halloween cookie? Your teeth.
Soft fruits make really supportive parents. Whenever their youngsters fail at something, they just smile and say “Have another bite at the cherry.”
What did the zombie carrot say to the lettuce?
- Give me your heads!!
What do you call a pear with loose morals?
A prostifruit.
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
What does an anteater like on its pizza?
Ant-chovies.
Why did the ghoul become green?
It was sick of eating brains!
What do witches put on their hair? Scare spray.
Why did the pharaoh go to the dentist?
Egypt his tooth.
What does a cat lady say on Friday night?
I am drinking wine and feline fine!
The Easter Bunny won’t be making his usual rounds this year. He’s laid up with a hareline fracture.
I bought a larger sink with a built in subwoofer.
My current one doesn't have enough basin.
Eddie edited it.
What’s worse than one crocodile coming to dinner?
Two crocodiles coming to dinner.
I was a bit worried about making breakfast on Halloween
But I ain't afraid of no toast.
“Santa Claus’ favorite swimming spot is the North Pool.”
The fruit stutters because it suffers from a peach impediment.
What's the Difference Between Mechanical & Civil Engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.
What kind of cheese to beavers eat?
Edam.
What’s a good way to start a conversation with a cheese plate on Tinder?
“Hello. Is it brie you’re looking for?”
What kind of spells do leprechauns use?
Lucky Charms!
Franz Joseph constantly sour about everything because he was always Haydn.
Did Cyclops the X-man play hockey? Yes, he enjoyed lasing up the skates.
Why did the vampire strike out?
He used the wrong bat.
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
Why did the man eat the light bulb? He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.”
How do horses get to another star system? They travel through intergalloptic space.
What are the best mushrooms to have with a jacket potato? Button mushrooms!
I don't know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.
What do frogs do with paper?
Rip-it.
He has some good puns on crows, but he doesn’t have to keep crowing about it.
Which noble man loves sitting at a round table?
Sir Cumference
Where do mathematicians like to party?
In bar graphs.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.