I can’t believe you have the de Gaulle to say that to my face.
What is blood's message to the world? B POSITIVE.
How do you make a million dollars in real estate?
You start out with two million.
When the onion band covered the song Waka Waka by Shakira, they started calling the song 'Walla Walla'.
Why can’t people without feet have dairy products? They lactose.
Why couldn't the squirrel eat the macadamia nut?
It was one tough nut to crack.
Crows, they just love sports, crow-quet to be precise.
What do you say happened to an onion who got what it deserved? You say it got karma-lized.
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature? Tequila mockingbird.
My dad has the heart of a lion...
and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
Once I tried to paint the sky but I blue it.
Where do ghosts play golf?
On a golf corpse.
Where do crows type? Crows type on cawmputers.
What drives cheese crazy?
That everyone around them is crackers.
Why was the piano laughing?
Because I was tickling his ivories
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
Who is a snake’s favorite author?
William Snakespeare.
My wife asked why I prefer gummy bears to gummy worms.
I said that gummy worms are beneath me.
What do you call a horse running on a table?
A counter canter.
Where are dramatic hard drives from?
Oh I/O
My counselor gave me a hug today
I guess I got shrinkwrapped
Why did the slice of bread leave her boyfriend? She thought that he was just too knead-y.
When a ship or Vikings suddenly vanishes
There's a disturbance in the Norse
What dog does Dracula own?
A blood-hound.
Pumpkin Spice season is finally here, better latte than never.
I’ll always be running-back to you.
I am out of chemistry jokes. I should zinc of a new one.
Large, pink birds are a good asset to a football team. They’re very used to playing flamingoalie.
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
Why did the turkey sit on the tomahawk? To hatchet.
Can’t pinch this.
What did the broken hearted skeleton say?
After all to-marrow is another day.
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
What did the flirty coat say to the jacket?
"Do you hang here often?"
What makes your mouth sad?
A tongue depressor.
Why did the whale cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
What are the best vegetables to sleep under?
a can of peas.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/4th.
How is cat food sold? Usually, purr can!
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
What do horses get after graduating university?
A pedegree.
"Are you sure about this?"
"Crust me, I'm on a roll."
Before the Koalaville basketball team can play for the national championship, they have to make it through the koalafying rounds.
How many worms does it take to eat a zombie?
It depends on the size of the zombie!
What did the pig say to his friend who had been cheated upon?
Please don't go bacon this relationship.
My dad was the top clown at the circus, but unfortunately he passed away.
I guess I have some pretty big shoes to fill.
I'm the life of the paddy.
What does Willow Smith say to her pets? I whip my hare back and forth.