My friend told me he had to leave the play after Act l. Knowing he'd waited forever to see it, I asked him why. He said the program stated that Act ll was two years later, and he refused to wait that long.
Do you comma here often?
He knew literally everything about the constellations. Some might even say that his knowledge of the night sky was astronomical.
A detective was interviewing the victim of an assault.
The victim described the assailant as a leather box with a handle on it. The culprit was arrested 30 minutes later.
It was a brief case.
The veggie lover was a total stalk-er.
Why do fluorescent lights hum? Because they can’t remember the words.”
I have a serious love-heat relationship with summer.
What does a cheese like to drink after a long day?
Morbier.
My dad refused to accept that he was not hiking in a mountain called Mt. McKinley
He was in Denali.
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
What do you call a distilled botanical that likes to play the guitar??
Ginny Hendrix
What do you call a turtle chef?
A slow cooker.
What do you call a cold crocodile in winter? A refrigerator.
What did the pig exclaim when the wolf grabbed its tail?
“That’s the end of me!”
Why are wooden hard drives so bad?
They're all bark and no byte.
What kind of fruit did Avogadro eat in the summer?
Water-mole-ns
I recently learned that the Romans were renowned for their architecture.
Doesn't make much sense to me, considering it fell.
Let’s get elf-ed up.
What sound did the gun make when the priest shot through two benches to kill a mass shooter?
PEW PEW
What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.
What pickup line did the flower use on Tinder?
Are you a DAMNdelion?
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
What always goes up whenever the rain comes down? An umbrella.
What do married snakes have on their bath towels?
Hiss and Hers.
Why doesn't cheddar like to party with crackers? Someone always cuts the cheese.
What are the best vegetables to sleep under?
a can of peas.
Tennis matches and strawberry jam have one thing in common. Cons-serve.
If a wine connoisseur is called a sommelier then a perfume connoisseur should be called a smellier.
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers!
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
When does a farmer dance? When he drops the beet.
What’s green and pecks on trees?
Woody the Wood Pickle.
Why Did the Whale Cross the Ocean?
To get to the other tide.
Happy birthday to someone old enough to go vintage shopping in their own closet.
Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.
In the old times, the medieval kings and queens would only visit the dentist just before their coronation. This is because they wanted their teeth crowned!
I highly encourage you to have more brain farts
It develops mental fartitude.
What do you call a pig squished by sand? A ham sandwich.
Why an astronaut can be said similar to a football player? They both strive for touchdowns!
I'm always really disappointed when I pull up to a yard sale...
And they aren't willing to sell me any of their yards.
My keyboard fell apart today.
I feel like I'm losing Ctrl of everything.
You can virtually stay in any room. The only one you can’t is the mush-room because it is reserved for fungi.
What do you call a flying cheese?
A curd of prey.
What's a pun's best trait?
His pun-ctuality!
The navy is now taking dogs along on their submarines
They're subwoofers
I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift. Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.
Why did the unemployed man get excited while looking through his Bible?
He thought he saw a job.
Why did a pirate leave the boat to get his forgotten cell phone? Booty calls.
Any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.
3 animals enter a bar. A lion, a tiger and a bear.
Oh my!