Did you hear about the croc calling the frog? He just croc-o-dialled.
I got punched in the mouth by a drug addict today.
Now my jaw’s all methed up.
I couldn't chair less!
What is the national fruit of Afghanistan?
Talibanana.
I beg your garden?
What do sloths throw in winter? Slowballs.
Why should you never eat the fish in France?
Because it's poisson.
What did the rabbit say to the lettuce?
Romaine calm, I’m here for the carrots.
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
I met a chicken once; she was desperate to join a band. She even had her own drumsticks.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
Why did the zombie take a sick day?
She had cold symp-tombs.
What do you call an apple that's been around the world? Johnny Appleseed.
What has 34 legs, 9 heads and 2 arms? Santa Claus and his reindeer.
Where do the astronauts park their vehicles? At the parking meteors.
Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain? He's got no beef.
When shouldn't you believe a word your cheese is saying? When it's too Gouda to be true.
Call me on the shellphone.
If you get married out on sea or in a boat...
is that a row-mance?
Why was the pun a bad comedian?
He never got the pun-chline right!
What’s a corn farmer’s favorite animal? The unicorn.
I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I’ve ever seen.
What do you get when you put the number 3.14 in the middle of the onions? You get o-pi-nions!
How was the misbehaving lightning bolt punished?
He was grounded.
The guy who invented the watch must have had a lot of time on his hands
What do you get if you cross a lobster with a telephone?
A snappy talk.
My cell phone got drunk.
It took too many screenshots.
Why did the Sugar Maple have to go to the dentist? It really needed a root canal.
He came, he thawed, he conquered.
If you encounter a sea monster, you better get Kraken!
What do you call flowers who are bffs?
Buds.
Why did the skeleton go to acting classes?
He wanted tibia star.
Did you hear about the red ship that collided with the blue ship?
All the sailors were marooned.
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
What kind of hair style does a bee get?
A buzz cut
You know those silly hacker movies where they're hacking so hard they type on two keyboards at once?
Such blatant stereo-typing
What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate clauses.
Where can you find a bunch of clowns who deserve to be in jail? Silly Con Valley.
Someone from Southern France sent me an MS Word file with 200 pages.
It's a Languedoc.
Musicians?
Oh yeah, we think outside the Bach’s.
What do fashionable mountains wear when it's cold? An ice cap.
Why do poets always write about the sea?
They just can’t fathom her depths.
Dad Ordered Taco Bell
Asked how many Dillas come in their Ques 'a Dillas
I dropped my computer on my foot.
It mega-hurts.
What do you call a group of lions partying on ships in Gibraltar?
A strait pride parade.
How do you know a car is a good price?
If it is a Ford-able.
Oh no! My wine glass is empty. Somebody call Wine-One-One!
The directions for my new dandruff shampoo are very confusing.
It's a real head-scratcher!
Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination
What happened when the koala house party got a little too far out of hand? One of the neighbors koalaed the cops.