When is a vegetable also a nut?
When it’s a corn!
If a police officer pulls a U-Haul truck over...
did he just bust a move?
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
What do you call a Spanish Goat with no hind legs?
Gracias
Synonym rolls: just like grammar used to make.
How much do you love rainbows? Just a skittle bit.
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
What tree is bought the most at the plant store?
The poplar tree
Why did the geologist go on a date to the quarry?
He wanted to be a little boulder.
Q: What kind of desserts does a turkey like?
A: Peach gobbler.
How did the kittens express their love for each other? In Holy Catrimony
How should you greet a Ghost? - Long time, no see.
‘Tis the sea-sun to be jolly.
What nature phenomenon is the funniest? A cyclown!
My local garden center is doing buy one, get one free on manure. Don’t sniff at this offer.
Every piece of you is sweet.
What do you call a pumpkin that can slam dunk a basketball?
Michael Gourdan.
What do pizza delivery guys and porn stars both see too much of?
Stiff tips.
What did the cornfield say when it heard rain coming?
That’s music to my ears!
What crosswords do zombies like?
Crypt-ic ones.
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
How many lips does a flower have?
Tulips.
My Haloween costume would have been perfect if my hair agreed with me. Guess I’m just having a bad scare day.
What do pig’s use as soap? Hogwash.
Do you know why an octopus is so good at Football?
It gets ten tackles a play.
Who is a snake’s favorite actor?
Humphrey Boa-gart.
What goes up when rain starts to come down?
Umbrellas.
What do you say to a bee that bothers you?
"Buzz off!"
"I just want some peach and quiet!," said the orange.
Why are ghosts no good at running a railway? A. Because they can’t even put on a skeleton service!
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite drink?
A juice pouch.
A knight bursts into a blacksmith and yells "You smelt my armor!"
The blacksmith was calm and collected and replied: "Yes, and what a lovely scent it had."
How can we tell the difference between a can of beef soup and a can of pork soup? Just read the labels.
My computer crashed and I lost all the notes I'd saved for the book I'm working on called "1,001 cures for itches."
I guess I'll have to start again from scratch.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?
A French Roast.
What kind of ghoul has the best hearing?
The eeriest!
Why did the bus driver take a long break? He needed a wheel-y good rest!
My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.
I got full marx.
I'm going to get the numbers 1 through 30 tattooed up my arm.
That way people can always count on me.
What happened to the pineapple who was turned down for a date? Crushed pineapple.
The police came to arrest me after I tried to play my cat like a violin
They are charging me with Kitty Fiddling.
Where did the Viking buy his guitar?
Nordstrom's
What is a cat’s favorite game to play with a mouse? Catch!
Summer's over; it's time to chill.
Did you hear what happened to the Energizer Bunny? He got arrested for Battery.
“Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.”
What did the snowman order at Wendy’s?
A Frosty.
Don't drink too much coffee after breakfast. You might face a latte problems.
I don’t know who became more famous, Sir Francis Bacon or his son
Chris P. Bacon