Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
How many birds does it take to change a light bulb?
Normally three, but Toucan.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
What do you call an ant who joins the army?
Milit-ant.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
I am on the train and a light just came on saying the toilet is engaged.
Congratulations, toilet!
What do you call an alien spaceship that's leaking water?
A crying saucer.
What hotel do mice stay in ? The Stilton
Many people believe liquid soap is more hygienic than soap bars.
Don't listen to them, it is only a slippery soap argument.
Q. How do you describe a stinking filthy buck?
A. Deer-ty.
It's a-boat time we took a vacation!
If there's a will, there's a wave.
What do you call a hairy monster that lives by a dam?
A weir-wolf.
Why was the Pirate sad when his parrot left him?.
It gave him the cold shoulder.
Did you hear about the sign on the bakery that got everyone talking? It said “I knead dough to live.”
Does a green candle burn longer than a pink candle? No they both burn shorter.
What did the confused cat say? I’m purr-plexed!
How do you type the word "Royalty" on a keyboard?
You start with the higher R key.
Why did the leaf go to the doctor?
It was feeling green
What do you get when you cross a strict school teacher with a vampire?
Lots of blood tests.
What are the four seasons?
Salt, Pepper, Sugar and Flour.
Green seemed to disappear from the rainbow it came back in full force, olive and kicking.
Irish I had another Guinness to drink.
I love you from my head tomatoes.
I asked the Korean grocer for something to spice up my meals, but I think I got a raw dill.
Are beavers the best builders in the animal kingdom? Dam right they are.
Be careful out there during the snowstorm. It ain't snow joke.
Why did the kid put the dinky car in his ear?
Because he wanted to give it a wax job.
Who’s at the door?
It’s snowbody.
Which roman emperor was a mouse? Julius cheeser!
I use a crow to wake me up in the morning.
There’s caws for alarm.
Q. Why did the girl-illa win the beauty contest?
A. She was beast of show!
Why did the soldier flush the toilet?
Because it was his doody.
Dad Bee left. Mama Bee calls out ...
Honeycomb home!
What illness kept Avogadro in bed for two months?
Mole-onucleosis
If you can think of a better fish pun, let minnow.
You are the best, I feel so peachy when I am with you!
What do you call a big boat full of fish
A carp ark.
I went to my girlfriend's soccer match for the first time last weekend. She kept grabbing the ball with her hands.
She's a keeper.
If the sun shines while it’s snowing, what should you look for?
Snowbows.
I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift. Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.
How do you make a dog stop barking in the backyard?
Move him to the front yard.
Why can't redheads be in blues or jazz bands?
They got no soul.
I like telling dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
What is a ghost peppers favorite Leonardo Dicaprio film? Catch me if you Cayenne.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin.
Sunshine on a Woman's Day?
Broad-day light.
What falls in the winter but never gets hurt?
Snow.
Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp-wanted section
Why did the mouse stay inside?
Because it was raining cats and dogs.