Sorry if this is extra cheesy, but you have a pizza my heart.
What race makes for the edgiest bards?
Rock gnomes.
Two friends were hanging out. One asks the other: "Hey, do you know about the famous detective that can't do bowel movements?"
The other friend replies: "No sh** Sherlock, of course I do!"
You must be copper and terillium because you are Cu-Te
What happened to the plane run by a computer?
It crashed.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad to see me?
What did the flirty coat say to the jacket?
"Do you hang here often?"
What’s a goat’s favorite drink?
Goat-arade.
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
Scientist are shocked after discovery of a new african bee species that can keep on flying even after their heart stops.
Local tribes in fear of a zombee apocalypse
Why do bee keepers have beautiful eyes?
Because they hold bees. (Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder)
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
What’s the difference between a school bus driver and a winter cold? One knows all the stops, and the other stops the nose.
The winter is the worst time of year for a wedding. The grooms always seem to be getting cold feet.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
How did the horse solve a murder?
Compiled newspaper clippings.
Wanna know a way for werewolves to howl other than the full moon?
Make them stub their toe.
My dog is very poor.
He can’t afford a “woof” over his head.
They were building a meat tower next door.
The steaks just kept getting higher.
What do you get when someone stares coldly at you?
Glare ice.
What's the name of the meatiest Knight of the Round Table? Sir Loin!
Why do accountants make good lovers?
They're great with figures.
Why do cows lie on each other in the rain?
To keep each udder dry.
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
The fact that we were asked to leave our beautiful purple color house by the owner is still purplexing for me.
What was Michael Jackson's favorite Spanish food?
Jamon!
What do you call a flying elephant?
A jumbo jet.
Why do comedians hate telling jokes at zombie night?
All they hear is groans.
What does a Clydesdale say when you offer them a carrot?
“Of course, my horse.”
Whats the distant cousin of the werewolf?
The way over therewolf.
'what's the Wifi password?'
'Its for security'
'Haha, yes, I know that. But what's the password?'.
'No, it's 'forsecurity'. All one word, lower case.'.
Where does a rottweiler sit in the cinema?
Anywhere it wants to.
What do you call rabbits that live at the North Pole? Cold.
What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
They call me Ace, because you just got served.
You can’t predict wind speeds with certainty. The best you can do is make a gust-imate.
Someone took my three-legged chair.
I guess it was stoolen
What did the mayonnaise say when somebody opened the refrigerator? “Hey, close the door! I’m dressing!”
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
What is a dog’s favorite movie series?
Fifty shades of Greyhound.
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
Me and my friend were going to a costume party. He told me he was coming as a small island off the coast of Italy.
I said don’t be Sicily.
What do you do with a sick chemist? You try to helium, and then you try to curium, but if all else fails, you gotta barium.
So apparently coles has a new thing where you can only have one salad per transaction
They’re calling it coleslaw..
What do dogs love to eat for breakfast?
woofles
What pillow set do the church organist and his wife have?
Hymn and Hers.
Why did everyone hide from Sue on her birthday?
Because they wanted her to be Sue-prised!
Why did Bill's friend get covered in beer?
Because William Shakes Beer.
Did you hear about the football player with the dirty mouth?
Yeah. He was an offensive lineman.
What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.