What is a favorite game for ghouls?
Chase!
If a T-Rex slipped and broke its nose would it would need a dinoplasty?
Why was the pear by himself? Because the banana split.
How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?
One—she just gives it to three physicists, thus reducing it to a problem that’s already been solved.
She has high elf-esteem.
How did the tigers greet the other animals in the jungle? "Hey! Pleased to eat you."
If you ever need directions, call for a navi-gator.
I'm acorn-y person.
If Jim has 15 watermelons and throws one at Mary, what does Mary have?
“A really bad headache!”
What genre are national anthems?
Country.
Don’t hang around booze hounds. They’re wine-y bitches.
You can't blame anyone if you fall in your driveway due to snowy weather...
Because that's your own asphalt.
Why didn’t the boy believe the tiger? Because he thought it was a lion!
What do you can an owl who's been caught in the act?
A spotted owl.
I once had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of carbonated orange juice.
Thankfully it was just a fanta sea.
Why are eyes always the last organ harvested?
because they dilate.
Q. Where can you view sculptures and paintings created by deer?
A. At the art moose-seum.
A strawberry will never help another strawberry because they tend to always get into jams.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then just hung up.
I am getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Only a**holes use bidets.
What do dinosaurs put on their pizza? Tomato-saurus
What’s the first line of the pig bible? “In the bacon-ing…”
What did the bat say to the friend who itched and squirmined?
Come back when you have washed out the virmin.
I didn’t know you could vape a chocolate bar until my wife told me to stop inhaling them.
What’s the name of the rabbit who stole from the rich and gave to the poor? Rabbit Hood.
What's the Kraken gonna give you that'll make you laugh uncontrollably?
Ten Tickles!
Q. Why was the lady baboon so atrracted to the big gorilla?
A. 'Cause he had s*x ape-peal.
What do you call it when worms take over the world? Global Worming.
What did they give former Flyers left-winger Brian when he successfully
bulked up? Massive Propps.
Because they got turtle recall, turtles never forget.
What is the fastest fish in the water? A motopike
What did the man say when his wife asked if he remember to get the coffee with icecream inside it?
“Sorry! Affogato!”
What pickup line did the flower use on Tinder?
Are you a DAMNdelion?
What's a redneck's favorite beer?
An open one.
No body has ever won a skeleton race.
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a four-leaf clover?
The Cluck o’the Irish!
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
A thesaurus' favorite thing to eat for breakfast is a synonym roll.
What beer does everyone at the orphanage drink?
Foster's.
Mr. Pea never did any work and yet always looked down on the other vegetables. He was a real peas of work.
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside
Did you hear about the guy who opened up a store where they only sell Swiss cheese?
It’s a hole business strategy.
If we played hot potato I’d lose, because I’d never let you go.
Why did the blind seal get eaten by the orca?
Because he couldn’t see that whale.
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
I wonder...
How much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick....
She still isn't talking to me.
My friend exports the lilikoi fruit...
He says it’s his passion.
What did the computer say to the other after a 16 hour car ride?
"That was a hard drive."