What do you call leftover lettuce?
The romaines.
She had a photographic memory but never developed it.
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate?
A Kitty Kat bar.
Why don't some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don't work out.
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first.
Baby steps.
I’m chocolate to my appointment!
Everyone needs to eat bread because loaf is what makes the world go round. Loaf truly is.
What did the Egyptian boy say to the Egyptian girl?
Come behind the pyramid, I'll make you a mummy
What superhero takes public transportation to get around? Bus Lightyear.
What do you call a cannibal that works in a university?
Hannibal Lecture.
I'm never sure if I like rocking chairs or not.
I go back and forth on them
I used to make extra money by selling illegal tennis equipment on the side, but I was approached by some thugs who told me to stop.
I guess they control the Tennis Racket around here.
What is another king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Reign!
Whats A tooth fairys favorite movie?
Jaws.
The scientist was meticulous about his strawberry pies. He rounded up the protein content of his pie at 3.14.
It is not uncommon for elephants to start a stampede. Especially if they want to play for the Chargers.
What do you call hell for potheads?
Canabyss.
Whose music do elves like the most?
Elf-is Presley.
The Queen of the Nile was said to always show a bit of leg...
but Nefertiti.
What is the reproductive area in South America? Spermatagonia.
I went fly-fishing yesterday.
All I caught was two bluebottles.
Whenever the peach gets angry, it looks at my face and screams: “You are just a peach of sh*t!”
Why does no one trust the man on the moon?Why does no one trust the man on the moon?
Because he has a dark side!
My neighbour always thinks he knows more about the weather than me
The guy is a real snow it all.
What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.
I can relate to my computer so much. Even I go to sleep after 25mins of inactivity.
What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.
Did you know that if you poured salt on a cat's tail it will fall off?
It's true! And if you pour pepper on a cat's tail, the pepper will also fall off.
Where does a neuron keep its money?
In a brain bank.
I honestly cannot deal with puns.
But I can with a deck of cards.
Why was the horse such a good dancer?
It perfected its halturn.
A man likes sending random stuff to his friends through the mail because he finds it funny.
This particular time the man takes some lettuce to the post office to ship to a friend from back home.
He tries to package it up but it won't fit unless he cuts it into smaller peices. He cuts it up and stuffs it in a large envelope, however he forgets to write out and attach a shipping label. He doesn't realize his mistake at the time and brings it to the counter to send.
The postal workers says: "You can't send a salad like that, it needs adressing".
Why do computers wear glasses?
To improve their web-sight.
Why did the sloth get fired from his job?
He would only do the bear minimum.
I wonder why theatres are so sad? They're always dark, moody, and in tiers.
Why did the tectonic plates break up?
It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
Good bowlers always keep their minds out of the gutter.
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
My little sister came to my room with a lighbulb in her mouth. I asked her "what in the world are you doing?"
She said "I'm having a light snack."
Police have reported that a baseball themed perfume factory has blown up under mysterious circumstances.
They said it smells like Foul Play.
Seas the day!
What do dolphins need to stay healthy?
Vitamin Sea!
Q: What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up?
A: It blossoms
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a watermelon by it’s diameter? Watermelon PI.
A doctor walked into an exam room to see a patient with carrots sticking out his ears and broccoli up his nose.
The doctor said: “I can tell right away that you haven't been eating properly."
Why was the computer sad?
It was going un-node-iced.
What kind of croc hangs out in back passages around town?
An Alley-gator.
The scarecrow won an award because it had been excellent in its field.
Call me on the shellphone.