Digital burgers are nothing but processed meat.
I got punched in the mouth by a drug addict today.
Now my jaw’s all methed up.
The squirrel’s chest got dirty with nuts, now it has a chest-nut.
What was Valentine’s favorite dessert for the French cat?
Chocolate mousse
I used Brylcreem this morning to slick back my hair like my father used to do. My wife asked me what I was doing.
I said, "I'm having a dad hair day."
I love a joke about the eyes.
The cornea the better.
What are crisp, like milk and go 'eek, eek, eek' when you eat them? Mice Krispies!
If you want a loyal marriage, get hitched to a basketball player. He will never pass you, rather he will keep you all to himself.
I was alone in the bath.
Imagine my surprise when I felt a tap on my shoulder!
My pink bird friend got dumped a while ago. He was sad for a while, but now he’s singe and ready to flamingle.
Sasquatch often gets mistaken for Bigfoot.
Yeti never complains.
What is the first thing that bats learn at school? The alphabat.
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
I was watching a movie when the screen started to emit blue light. Guess this is one of the cons of watching movies on Blue Ray.
Which chicken is at the top of the pecking order?
Attila the Hen.
What types of books do pines read? Poetree books.
Tne thing you won't catch a vampire ordering in a restaurant is a stake sandwich.
Did you hear about the conductor who was arrested for inciting violins?
They strung him up, but he didn't fret.
Ghosts drop off their babies at the day-scare centre when they go to work.
"There's no bunny like you."
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
Where do southern Viking descendants go after death?
Y'allhalla.
My bag of fruit snacks had all grapes
Today’s gonna be a grape day!
The wind is following a new workout program. It’s called air conditioning.
How do you communicate with a fish? Drop it a line!
The police hung up the phone call when I informed them about a murder in my front yard. They said they could not do anything regarding the crows.
How did the astronaut die?
exposure to Mercury.
What do you call a bee that lives in a mud hive?
An adobee!
Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position.
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
What do you call a rabbit who is angry over getting burnt? A hot cross bunny.
Why did the boy leave his chestnuts in the rain?
He wanted them rusted.
If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a tavern guard.
I've always been known for my Inn-Security.
Onions are great gymnasts as they have the advantage of swinging on the onion rings.
How does a crab go when it's right?
"Aw, snap!"
What do we call the period in between eating a peach? – It is called a pit stop.
Cherry pie can be a bit aggressive. Rumor has it they go around saying, “Hey! You want a piece of me?”
If you ride your bike twice a day, is that recycling?
What did the pastry cook say when he was making the cake?
Bat-a-cake. Bat-a-cake.
What is the difference between a wet day and a lion with a toothache? A wet day is pouring with rain, the other is roaring with pain.
What is a car’s favourite sport?
Soc-car.
What mouse was a Roman emperor? Julius Cheeser!
"I'm eggs-hausted."
Best in snow.
Why do gherkins giggle when you touch them?
They're pickle-ish.
Why do ice cream cones always carry an umbrella?
There’s a chance of sprinkles.
Why don’t snakes drink coffee?
Because it makes them viperactive.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time