Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
Snowmen decide on everything with a game of eeny, meeny, miny, snow.
[Food Spread] This is the line of scrumptiousness.
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
Crows have 16 feather pinions and ravens have 17 pinions. It's just a matter of a pinion.
What do you get when you plant a Donut?
A pastree.
Where do astronauts buy their milk? From the milky way!!!
What fish like to fly?
Flying Fish
Where do horses buy groceries?
Whinny-Dixie.
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with a kangaroo?
An animal that keeps its nuts in its pockets.
I saw a lady riding a camel and being pulled by a truck...
It was a camel tow
In the medieval ages, chess was a very popular game among Kings and Queens. This was because they had castles in it!
What money do zombies use?
Crypt-o-currency.
I was joking with my mailman, and said I had a package to ship to Spain.... to Parcelona...
He didn't laugh though. The key to a joke like that is the delivery.
How is ice cream as a girlfriend?
The sweetest.
What is the color of the wind? Blew!
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck!
What do you get when two giraffes run into each other?
A giraffic jam.
Why did no one drink the youngest milk? Its parents spoiled it.
What do you do if you get attacked by a killer clowns?
Go for the jugular.
Why was the software engineer bankrupt? He’d used all his cache.
What did the ocean say to the pirate?
Nothing, it just waved!
What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat? A dirty kid.
My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.
My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.
It was like love meant nothing to her.
If you need to share out your to-do list, just be a dele-gator.
What’s a vampire’s favorite holiday?
Fangs-giving.
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
I heard the history teacher got into a fight with the math teacher
He did a real good number in him.
How do pigs write top secret messages?
With invisible oink!
I passed my dentistry tests with an A in my written paper.
In Oral, B.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumby!
I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...
I was Nun the Wiser.
What did the scientist’s cat say? I think I’ve lost an electron, I’m pawsitive!
Where did the Terminator find extra olive oil??
Aisle B, back.
Driving behind an ambulance, I watched a box fall off the back. I checked inside and there was a foot in it, so I decided to call a toe truck.
I saw a joke about chocolate bars but it wasn’t that funny So I just snickered.
Where do cats go when they die? Purr-gatory.
"You had me at merlot."
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
How does a monster flush the toilet?
It doesn't, it scares the living sh** out of it.
I feel bad for toilets.
They go through a lot of s**t
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice?
Nothing, he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
Q. Why are big gorilla turds always so stinking tired?
A. Because they're all pooped out!
Q. Where did the gorilla like to go sailing?
A. The Chimpan-Sea
Q. What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
Why do turtles never forget?
Because they have turtle recall.
Whale, whale, whale…
If it isn’t a pod.