Why can't you use beef stew as a password?
Because it's not stroganoff.
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
Why do pandas love watching classic movies?
Because they are in black and white.
What does a bookworm do during a baseball game? Worm the bench.
Did you hear about the flower who joined Tinder?
He just wants somebudy to love.
Why did the computer parts salesman quit?
He lost his drive.
When you look at the sky and see the moon
You're looking at a subtle light
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns! What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A "hollow-weenie!"
Did you hear about the two bats meeting? It was love at first bite!
What do you call a flying turtle?
A shellicopter.
What did the flower say when he wanted a second chance?
I’ll grow on you.
What do you call a horse that is good at football?
Neighhhhh-mar.
Why does your laptop have a blanket on it?
It's on sleep mode.
Check your shelf before you wreck your shelf.
What’s small, furry and slightly purple? A koala holding its breath!
People are always after me lucky charms.
Q. Which Greek eggplant dish do deer really eat up?
A. Moose-aka.
My computer is so slow it's running in the '90s.
A beaver asked his fellow beavers to hurry up and said, "Water you waiting for, make haste."
For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"
What's more amazing than a talking bat? A spelling bee!
What is the worst advice a coach could ever give to a nude volleyball team? Play hard.
Do you know why a pineapple can be a good observer? Because it has a lot of eyes around its body.
What do you call a zoo that has only giraffes in it?
Giraffic Park.
The strawberry went out with the grape only because he couldn't find a date.
Where do Santa Claus and his deers stop to have a coffee at Christmas?
“Star – Bucks!”
What do you call a sleeping pizza?
A piZZZZZZa.
I wasn't wearing hearing protection when the atom bomb went off.
Now I am become deaf, destroyer of worlds.
What do you call a pig with a rash? Ham and eczema.
What does the Ghost say when he sneezes? - Ach-ooooooooooooooooooooo!
What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.
How many museum curators does it take to change a light bulb?
6. 1 changes it and the other 5 preserve, display, and celebrate the old model.
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
I never get tide down to one place when there's so much to sea.
A goal new ball game I he a kick outta you
My father got a new laptop, and it is now like the baby computer of the house, so we refer to the older laptop as the 'Data'.
I saw a headline in the newspaper that said someone made a bomb out of nitrous oxide.
This is no laughing matter.
What do Egyptian Pharaoh's and sandwich filling have in common?
They're both in bread.
The summer sun makes me as happy as a clam at high tide.
What is writing in sand called?
Sandscript.
What did the mathematician do at the baseball game?
Square root for the home team.
What do you call a skeleton who goes to school but doesn’t do any work?
Lazy bones.
Why shouldn't you lend a geologist money? They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
"That's all, yolks."
What did one skeleton say to the other skeleton?
- You’re dead to me.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
The forecast said that we’re in for a hot summer; better make sure I watermelon everyday or else the yard will dry up.
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
In later years was the Great One in decline? Yes he was on the Wayne.
King Arthur's Round Table was built by Sir Cumference.