In a romantic date, Romeo says to Juliette “Baby! You are the pineapple of my eyes!”
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur A lickalotopis
I got a C in Physics and my parents grounded me.
They say I don't understand the gravity of the situation.
What’s a vampire’s favorite Shakespeare play?
A Midsummer Bite’s Dream.
Beaver jokes
Can be pretty dam funny.
The yearbook superlative that Robert Lee had given in his graduation was "Most likely to secede."
Where do birch trees keep their jewelry? In the river bank.
What kind of plant generates the most energy? A power plant.”
What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an angry man? A kangryoo
What do you call a snake with no clothes on?
Snaked.
Challah if you see me in the streets. Will do.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef!
Why was the football pitch a triangle?
Because someone took a corner
Most of your players never make it out of the lower-level tournaments. I highly doubt their Futures as a professional.
What happened to the shark who swallowed a bunch of keys?
It got lockjaw.
What is it called when a tree stabs his friend in the back?
A be-tree-yal
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
As it snow happens.
What do red berries say during the season they love best? Cherry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
How does one astronaut says sorry on the moon tell another astronaut? He Apollo-gises.
I went to see the Liberty Bell the other day.
It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.
How do you apologize to a sloth? BEAR your heart and soul.
Why did the Turkey want to join a band?
Because it had drumsticks!
What do you call a Viking who's been bitten by a vampire?
Norseferatu.
What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.
Did you hear about the boat that crashed into the beach?
The captain fell asleep and the crew didn't realize until they were already in the no wake zone.
I love you and I ain’t lion.
Where are werewolf movies made?
Howl-lywood.
Why couldn’t the dog fit in his clothes?
He was a little husky
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
Susie works in a shoeshine shop. Where she shines she sits, and where she sits she shines.
What do you call a witch that lives in the desert?
A sand-witch.
What did the first plate say to the second plate?
"Dinner's on me!"
Why did the skeleton go to church?
Because it didn’t have any organs.
What kind of bean never grows in a garden? A jelly bean!
For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
Where is the best place to get camel milk?
Straight from the Dromedairy.
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
What did the duck do after he read all these jokes?
He quacked up.
Why doesn't Mrs. Clause like to go outside in spring?
Because of all the rain, dear.
What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?
Oh Sheet
How do bats tell their future?
They read their horrors-cope.
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
The onion teacher was teaching her onion students about figures of speech. Today, she was teaching onionomatopia.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
What did the realtor reply when I asked if he liked reading real estate magazines?
"Yes, I love reading them but only periodically".
What do you call people who are obsessed with crocodiles?
Crocophiles.
Why do you use an old towel to dry your dog?
Because it's a little rough.
What do sloths throw in winter? Slowballs.