Why did the bus driver stay out all night? He was 'driving' around town!
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
Where do fish keep their money? In river banks.
What happened to the shark who swallowed a bunch of keys?
It got lockjaw.
I went to Oxford University, where I was a philosophy major and the starting goalkeeper on the football team.
They called me Soccertes.
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
How did the ponies stay in touch?
C-horse-pondence.
What do you call meat balls falling from the sky? A meat-ior shower.
What do you call a famous turtle?
A shell-ebrity.
The wolf really needed to talk with the skeleton because he had a bone to pick with him.
She was wheeled to the operating room, but then she underwent a change of heart.
I’m establishing my punning game early today.
What kind of helmet does a hermit crab wear?
A shell-met!
To whom did the squirrel go to seek out his fortune.
Nutradamus.
How could you tell the horse gained weight?
It had extra girth.
Never bet on real estate. The house always wins.
Where do penguins go to dance?
The snow ball!
What's a hen's favorite shipping company?
Federal Egg-spress.
Did you hear about the cheese failed to medal at the olympics? It fell at the final curdle
Where do aliens park their flying saucers?
At a parking meteor.
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
Why is Mrs Mayo mad at Mr Ketchup?
She caught him watching the salad dressing again.
If a T-Rex slipped and broke its nose would it would need a dinoplasty?
A French photographer and his friend from Czechoslovakia were visiting Australia.
Unfortunately, one day they got too close to a nesting site and were attacked and eaten by a pair of crocodiles.
The female ate the Frenchman.
The Czech was in the male.
What is the strongest creature in the ocean? A mussel!
Who named their daughter Macadamia?
A couple of nuts.
Though my brother won the art competition, he went up to his rival and gave him the credit where it was hue!
Why does it take so long for the EU to figure out how much Italy owes them every year?
Hey, ease up. Rome wasn't billed in a day.
Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.
Why are leaves always getting into risky business? They keep having to go out on a limb.
I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.
Why don’t orcas have hair?
They have whale pattern baldness.
What happened when a clumsy sommelier tried to decant a bottle of fine wine?
Things went pour-ably wrong.
No body has ever won a skeleton race.
Why did the penguin cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
What did the pig say to his friend who had been cheated upon?
Please don't go bacon this relationship.
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
What is a zombie’s favorite shampoo?
Head & Shoulders.
Why didnt the moon have any more to eat.
Becuase it was full
What do you call a male witch?
Mitch
The reason why mushrooms are always welcome even in high-end parties is because everybody believes they are really fun-guys.
The umpire kept answering his phone during the softball game.
He said he didn't want to miss any calls.
Q: Why is a carrot orange and pointy?
A: Because if it was green and round, it would be a pea!
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
My father had the uncanny ability to know which way the wind blew by feeling his jugular...
`It was his weather vein.
Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? No haunting license.
When do you put paprika on eggs? Fry-Day.
My colleague kept on missing deadlines, so I advised him not to bite off more than he can blue!
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.