I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, know what I have in common with this new powder? 8 inches.
I just dropped my phone in the bath
Now it's syncing.
Did you hear about the fruit who was convicted of armed robbery?
“Now he’s a waterfelon.”
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day. She said "Wow that's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand!"
I said "Come on you're just pulling my leg."
My girlfriend said we aren't getting married until she has a pear shape
It's the reason we cantaloupe
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
What do you use to brush a dead cat? A catacomb!
I General Lee do not find punny history jokes about the Civil War funny.
Is tea with additional salt
Salt-tea?
What’s a bigamist?
It’s what Italians call a thick fog.
I have a hiking playlist with songs from the Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my trail mix.
Don't get tide down.
Just look, it’s the Trifle Tower
What is the best way to communicate with a fish?
Drop it a line!
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
What do you call an alligator that has all the other gators at the swamp crown around him?
A congregator.
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns! What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A "hollow-weenie!"
Why do companies all around the world fear Vikings?
Because of their skills in hacking
Just can't get away from my broken keyboard. There's no escape.
When one tree asked another how it was doing in November, it replied, "I am pine!"
What type of dog would be the best at portraying Tina Turner?
An Angela Bassett Hound.
What Did The Duck Say When The Waitress Came?
Put it on my bill!
Why’s it always hot after a football game?
All the fans left.
Where do fish sleep? In the riverbed.
What do you call a weather man that destroys dinosaurs?
A meteorologist
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
I'm going to discuss global warming on Sunday at a debate. It's a very heated topic.
Where do connoisseurs lock up their best bottles?
In a wine cabernet.
I used to hate the electric blanket.
But the last few nights I’ve been warming up to it.
I heard someone broke out of prison using a sheep
I didn’t believe it until I saw the news and he was on the lamb.
What holiday do we celebrate in May to remember all the mothers we lost in the past year?
Momorial Day
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue.
A beaver's experience in college deep-ends on if they go to the best university.
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
IT’S A LIEEEEE!!
When soup feels strained and stressed, where would it go? – A broth-el!
If a dog chews shoes, whose shoes does he choose?
What hotel do mice stay in ? The Stilton
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
Have you ever heard of the book "They Yellow River"?
It was written by I.P. Daily.
When the chef asked me how I would like my soup, I said "I would like minestrone".
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
What did the skeleton say when he went riding on his motorcycle?
- I’m bone to be wild!
I knew a submarine sailor who wasn't very talkative or energetic
He was a subdued sub dude.
Where do saplings graduate from? Elementree school.
What’s small, furry and slightly purple? A koala holding its breath!
What did the kangaroo say about the man who kidnapped her joey?
Stop that pick-pocket!
We all have that one vegan friend.... I said to mine,"Do you have to mention vegetables every time you open your mouth?"
She said, "Not neccecelery."
I was just telling my friend Michael Rains about my unfortunate allergy to my home-grown barley.
My grains give me migraines, Mike Rains.