What do you call a rock that never goes to school? A skipping stone!
What’s big and grey and wears a mask?
The elephantom of the opera.
What do you call a cat that gets what they want? Purr-suasive.
The Earth without 'art'...
....is 'EH'
I love you from my head tomatoes.
A truck with an entire load of strawberries has crashed on the motorway. It's caused a real traffic jam.
Snow on and snow forth.
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
What do you call a dentist who doesn't like tea? Denis.
Witches get so excited to decorate their cauldron because their favorite hobby is witchcraft.
Why did the ghoul eat a light bulb?
Because it wanted a light snack!
It's lunchtime and the newcomer at my workplace is on a plane to India
Turns out, someone told him that the nearby Delhi has the best sandwiches
Practice safe text: use commas.
A bit late but here goes anyway: what do you call the elf who checks Santa's grammar?
A subordinate claus!
I ordered the wrong kind of flowers online for Valentines Day.
Oops e-daisies.
And the collective nouns go: a murder of crows, a herd of cows, a migraine of children.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
What kind of blanket has the most patience?
A weighted blanket.
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
What do you call an ant dipped in chocolate? Decad-ant.
Why are Ghosts so lonely? They have nobody to lean on.
How does a 20-something pig hit on someone?
They invite them over to Netflix and swill.
There’s a girl on my art course who never does any original work, she copies everything.
We call her Tracey.
What do beavers like to put on their salads?
Branch dressing.
What kind tree grows chickens?
Poultry.
Why did the squirrel go to kola-nary school? Because it had pines to be a chef.
A little boy asks his dad, “Why is it raining? Is the sky sad?”
The dad replies, “Yes, son, the sky is pretty blue.”
You know what really makes my blood boil?
The vacuum of space.
Who was the greatest dog detective?
Sherlock Bones.
What do you call a winged insect that hits home runs?
A fly swatter.
Pumpkin Spice and Everything Nice
What did the boy say when his mom made him prepare the corn for supper?
This shucks!
What’s a racehorse’s favorite clothing brand? Jockey.
What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!
Q: How does a butcher keep his tent up in a strong winds?
A: With steaks!
Bee warned.
Bee puns really sting.
When you find a blue strawberry, try to cheer it up.
What did one avocado half say to the other?
Without you, I’m empty inside!
Q. Why did the gorilla go to the barber?
A. He was concerned about his ape-pearance.
Corn mazes should be renamed Maize mazes.
How did the kittens express their love for each other? In Holy Catrimony
How many drum sets can you store on a sofa?
One per cushion
The sun's favorite color is ultraviolet. Apparently, it glows with everything.
My neighbor tried to charge me $20 to watch the eclipse from his balcony.
I told him that was daylight robbery.
I got fired from my job as a submarine pilot.
I just don't get it. My performance reviews always said my work was sub-standard.
What do you call a funny parrot spoof
A parody
We all have a submarine in our heads but we're not supposed to think about it. It's all sub-conscious.
When should you go on a cheese diet? If you need to cheddar a few pounds
Why were the two retinas such good friends?
They always saw eye-to-eye.