A man went to buy long underwear cause the weather was getting cold. The cashier asked " How long would you like them"
"From march to September", said the man.
Q. Why was the baby gorilla such a big brat?
A. Because his parents are big apes.
Just look, it’s the Trifle Tower
Q: What did the leaf say to the wind?
A: You really blew me away.
Where do Vikings go when they get old?
The Norsing home.
What do you call a gorilla who has been locked up in prison?
A kong-vict
How come Crabs never share with their friends?
Because they're Shellfish.
Q: Where can a tornado be jailed?
A: In a high pressure cell.
Why didn't the bicycle want to go anywhere?
It was two tired.
Did you hear about the mummy who goes to university? His favorite subject is Cryptography.
Did you hear about the battery and the volleyball who got into a fight? The volleyball is waiting to go to church and the battery was charged.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
What do you call a selfish bomb?
Mine.
When it was raining yesterday, I saw a man use ketchup and I got quite shocked. It is only later that I learnt he was taking advantage of the raining cats and hot dogs.
I used to play triangle in a reggae band but I had to give it up. It was just one ting after another.
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
There was a recent study showing that crows were hit a lot more by trucks than cars...
they came to the conclusion that this was because crows can warn each other by going "CAAAR CAAAR" but can't say "TRUCK TRUCK".
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.
Some guy with cancer insulted my hair today.
Bald words for someone without it.
Why did the skeleton want to join band?
He wanted a trom-bone!
Why doesn’t the sun go to college? Because it has a million degrees!
What was Hitler's favorite computer game?
Mein Kraft.
In Italy there is a group pf moms creating soft cheese...
They brand themselves as MOMzarella.
An electrocuted turtle feels shell-shocked.
Quasimodo would’ve been a great detective
He always had a good hunch.
The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.
It was a vile inn.
Poor white splash.
My little sister came to my room with a lighbulb in her mouth. I asked her "what in the world are you doing?"
She said "I'm having a light snack."
Who named their daughter Macadamia?
A couple of nuts.
Why do people like working at the Red Lobster?
It helps them get out of their shell.
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!
What does a placebo say on Halloween?
“Trick or Treatment!”
Where does an elf family stay when on vacation?
At a Ho-ho-ho-tel!
Berries are the most fashionista of the fruits, they can really cherry off the wildest outfits.
How do hot dogs greet each other? They say “give me some skin!”
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd!
Silent Violin for Sale
No strings attached.
I want to start a deer breeding business…
But first, I’m gonna need about 5,000 bucks.
There's a criminal who lives at the end of the rainbow, who likes to trick people. He is called the lepre-con artist.
You are just like my car because you drive me crazy.
RIP boiled water.
You will be mist.
I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…
but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant.
What do fruits do when they are avoiding a problem? They cherry their heads in the sand.
"Happy Easter to all my peeps."
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.
Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend? Because his friend said dinner is on me.
I gave my heart to a girl from Great Britain.
She turns around and Brexit into a million pieces.
“The North Pole doesn’t import goods because it’s Elf Sufficient.”