My pet owl will soon turn 180.
He's not old, he just has a bad neck.
Like a pro wrestler in a headlock, I’m indulging in a little Sham pain.
This zombie kept cutting the line so I gave her a piece of my mind.
She said it was yummy.
How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off its tail and it will be de-lighted.
Cut a piece of poo into three pieces today.
Now I have turds.
I used to have a scuba diving business
But it went under.
Did you hear about the incident at the tiger exhibit?
It was a big cat-astrophe
Why was the piglet whining.
He was boared out of his brains.
"Your kisses are to dye for."
What sport does a cat play? Hairball!
Why don't baseball players join unions?
They don't like to be called out on strike.
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
We've reached the point of snow return.
What did the eye witness say about the camel who was using the bushes as a lavatory?
I saw the hump take a dump in a clump
Where do bats keep their money?
The blood bank.
Did you hear about the birds of prey on black Friday?
It was a free for owl.
What do polite whales always say?
You’re whale-come.
My wife says to me this morning "Our son's toothbrush is getting fraid"
I say "What's it so fraid of?"
The big play is in seven days, you better work on your peach enhancement techniques.
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
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How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
Why are blood physicians so rich?
Because blood cells.
My least favorite teacher in the school is the History teacher. Whenever she takes a class on Ancient History, she tends to Babylon.
What's the best way to avoid eating too many Thanksgiving leftovers? Quit cold turkey.
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
Why does Venus have a crush on the sun?
Because the sun is really hot.
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
Did you get a side of hummus?
It's a hummuside.
Visitors are Doolin over these gorgeous views.
Why did the volleyball players line up from shortest to tallest? The coach wanted the team to switch from a 5-1 line up to a 6-2.
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
Why can't mermaids use the letters A or B?
They only know what's below C level.
Why do volleyball players join the military? They want to gain extra experience in the service.
The sun is just a big space heater.
What do you get when you cross a dog and a frog?
A Croaker Spaniel.
Why are pickles in sandwiches always so polite?
They're well-bread.
What did Sophocles call his dating service in Ancient Greece?
Oedipal Arrangements.
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
What did the Hollywood film director say to the young neuron that wanted to be an actor?
"Hey kid, you've got potential."
Why was the teenager deer a bad driver?
He didn’t want to use the deering wheel.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.
What's green and sings? Elvis Parsley.
What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
Why did the donut go to the dentist? It needed a filling!"
A magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field!
Why did the nut go to the bank?
To cashew its check.
Did you hear about the pick-up artist who only ever wears green leaves on his head? Yeah, he’s definitely a pineapple smoothie.
The ancient Egyptian people knew how to prepare delicious jams. It was only because of their skill of preserving things.
What do Ents wear to the beach?
Sandalwood.
What do they use to get a tan?
Palm oil.