What does a runner lose after winning the race?
His breath.
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
Why was the deer a good driver? He was great at using the deering wheel!
What do bread kids say during hide-and-seek?
Bready or not, here I crumb!
Why do werewolves do well at school?
Because every time they’re asked a question, they come up with a snappy answer!
My gay lover asked me if date night was optional.
I said no, it's a mandate
Why did the pumpkin pie go to a dentist?
Because it needed a filling.
Did you hear about the red ship that collided with the blue ship?
All the sailors were marooned.
Sorry if this is extra cheesy, but you have a pizza my heart.
Baby seal walks into a club...
Years later he would sing A kiss from a rose in the same club.
Have you seen that awesome video of a Koala drinking tea high up in the trees?
It’s super high Koala-tea
What do you call a glass of pig’s blood?
Swine.
I once dreamt of crossing a wide river...
But it ended up being just a ferry tale.
Santa's beard is so long because he's bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?
What was the Vikings favorite song while invading England ?
Heathen flow by Pearl Jam
In the Camel Kingdom, the king and his family live in the Camelot castle.
Why do mice need oiling ?
Because they squeak !
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
To the person who stole my glasses...
I will find you... I have good contacts!
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
It’s Fall coming back to me now.
What do you call a gorilla wearing headphones?
Anything you'd like, it can't hear you.
What’s the difference between a comma and a cat?
One has the paws before the claws, the other has the clause before the pause.
"I make pour decisions."
What do we call a scientist who specializes in pineapples? He might be called a pineappleologist!
I do find that flamingos don’t plan very well for the future… They’re too prone to putting all their eggs in the one basket.
What do you call a dinosaur with high heels? My-feet-are-saurus
How does a group of sea turtles make a decision?
They flipper a coin.
I was selling my bike and an interested buyer asked what’s lowest I’d go.
"About 3 mph," I said, "otherwise I’d tip over."
How does spider man always come up with such clever comebacks?
Because with great power, comes great response ability.
Why does the jellybean go to school? Because he wants to become a smartie.
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
How did the raindrop ask another raindrop on a date?
He asked her “Water you doing tonight?”
"Wine a little, laugh a lot."
Clean clams crammed in clean cans.
Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home
Why did the mathematician work from home?
Because he could only function in his domain.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
I love a good shindig. Just call me Napoleon Bonapart-y.
What do football players wear on their heads? Helminth
Why do mice need oiling?
Because they squeak!
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
I just found out my Husband is a Ghost. I realised the moment he walked through the door.
What do gorillas and orangutans wear in the kitchen?
Ape-rons.
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
Past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
Why are walnuts the best secret keepers? They walnut say anything to anyone.
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
When the proposal of building a parking lot was given to Richard III, he told said, "Over my dead body."