My dad tried to put peas into an orange once. It didn't appeal to me.
Bookworms take shelfies.
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I am very disappointed.
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
What does Harry Potter use when sealing packages?
His Parceltongue.
Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.
My son's has never really had much of an appetite.
But suddenly today he's eaten a dozen Kinder eggs whole.
He's full of surprises.
Thin grippy thick slippery.
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
Why did a pirate leave the boat to get his forgotten cell phone? Booty calls.
Why didn’t anyone laugh at the gardener’s jokes?
Because they were too corny!
What do cats eat on hot days?
Mice cream.
Which type of wine only comes in a box?
Carbordeaux.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Walnut.
Walnut who?
I walnut tell you. It’s a secret.
I don't usually brag about my drum jokes but um...
tss
Wow, wouldn’t mind if you became my significant otter.
Why can’t you screw with whales?
because they hump back.
My wife and I went to see a realtor.
“Have you guys considered moving houses?” he asked.
I said, “No, we don’t like caravans.”
Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.
Now I have Heinzsight.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
I met a French vampire who had an attention deficit problem. We called him Drac..ooh la la!
What do fashionable mountains wear when it's cold? An ice cap.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
Are you a locksmith? Because you hold the key to my heart.
Why did the strawberry get bruised? Because it was under pear pressure.
What do you call bananas that don't stick up for themselves? A bunch of pansies.
Have you heard about the chef on space station? He’s not that much of an astronaut, but his food is literally out of this world!
A mosquito can fly, but a fly cannot mosquito.
I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring.
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
Which English royal family was the smartest?
The Tudors.
Bigfoot saw me today
I bet nobody believes him.
Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on
You'll get burned out
What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.
Do you know why the beaver was found guilty?
Because the prosecutor had damming evidence.
Why shouldn't you shoot pool using a pickle?
Because you'll find the cue cumbersome.
What do you call a royal goat wearing denim?
Billy Jean King.
What did the gold say to the pyrite? You’re a fool and a fake!
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
Which knight is the protector of foods?
Sir Anwrap
What did the geologist say when his doctor said he needed a colon exam?
No fracking way!
What do you get when you run behind a car?
Exhausted!
For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
What is the collective noun for Ghosts? Team spirit.
When is it raining money? Whenever there's 'change' in the weather.
What do vampires do when they are trying to fall asleep?
Count Draculas.
Pad kid poured curd pulled cold.
What did the doughnut say to the pizza?
If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.
A man fell into a vat of varnish and died
He had a terrible end but a lovely finish.