How did the pony get the bugs away?
It said, horse-shoo fly, don’t bother me.
What do a great hitter and a boxer have in common?
Both are serious sluggers.
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
What do we call a plumb pineapple? It is called a pineapple chunk!
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association.
Behind every great parent is a great kid. Happy birthday!
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
I saw a documentary today about a submarine that recycles 87% of its garbage.
But I believe this sub's doing even better!
Cows love music. In fact, they even have a favourite note: beef flat.
With the kind of weather, it was almost certain that the bride-to-be would get a hoarse throat as she walked through the rain into her bridal shower.
Which Hollywood actor can tell his car's odometer reading without looking at it?
Miles Teller
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
What did the lightning strike survivor say when interviewed?
"It was shockingly powerful. Like, it really Hertz"
What do you call an ant who likes to be alone?
Independ-ant.
What does a bee use to brush it's hair ?
A Honeycomb.
Norwegian archeologists have uncovered the very first Viking parenting book.
The title, translated into modern language, is *It Takes a Pillage*.
TV repair during lockdown has been pretty easy.
It’s mostly remote work.
I once saw an onion that had been preserved for ages. It was an Egyptian onion.
I work at an Ink company in Spain. Yesterday I held a Competition about our company’s history. But looks like no one wanted to be a part of the
Spanish Ink Quiz Session.
I was mad on the toilet this morning since I was running late, and I thought to myself...
I don’t have time for this crap!
Why did the dog fail his driving test?
Because he couldn’t parallel bark.
What do you call fifty penguins at the North Pole?
Really lost. (Penguins live in the Southern Hemisphere)!
My Chinese neighbour said he's just opened a crows shop.
Speaking slowly, I said "you mean a *clothes* shop?"
He says, "No, a crows shop - come in and have a rook."
A ship load of red paint crashed into a ship load of blue paint. The crews were marooned.
What's the most musical cut of chicken? The drumstick!
What made the truck driver finally stop farting?
He ran out of gas.
What did the priest say at the flooding river?
God, dam it!
Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.
Me: "Hello? 911? Emergency! The neighbors house is on fire!"
Dispatcher: "Did you discover the fire?"
Me: "No! Prometheus! but what does he have to do with this?"
Los Angeles International Airport should sell their own brand of laxatives called LAXatives.
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
Did you hear the one about the Troll who tried to pay for dinner with a gnome? He came up short on the bill.
What did the Mama Steam Engine say to her Baby Steam Engine at supper time? “Choo choo!”
Q. What's a computer geek's favourite snack?
A. Microchips.
“Mom, what do we have for this dinner?” – “I cannot tell you. It is a little soup-prise, son!”
Did you hear about the man who had nothing else to do so drilled into his own head?
He was bored to death.
Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.
My doctor told me "No more spicy food.", but I decided to have one last fennel fling.
How do you buy a cat, if the pet store is closed?
You buy it from the cat-alog!
How do you get down off a horse?
You don’t, you get down off a duck.
What did the gold say to the pyrite? You’re a fool and a fake!
What does a pizza say when it wants to cuddle?
Fold me close.
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
I have a buddy who was recently hit by a bus, while promoting pedestrian safety.The surgeons had to replace all the joints in his left leg with metal.
I think it's safe to say he can appreciate the iron knee
Many people seem to believe that warm water droplets get cooled fast and form fog. It's a mist-conception. Someone should de-mist-ify it.
"Have an eggs-tra special Easter day."
Why does nobody invite Jupiter to the space parties? Because he has too much gas, always…
I thought a thought.
But the thought I thought
Wasn’t the thought I thought I thought.
If the thought I thought I thought,
Had been the thought I thought,
I wouldn’t have thought I thought.