Why can’t I ever win a game returning serve? Give me a break.
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
What kind of cake do you get at a cafeteria?
A stomach-cake!
I'm not the fig plucker,
nor the fig plucker's son,
but I'll pluck figs
till the fig plucker comes.
What do they say when you leave the cheese store?
Have a gouda day!
Why did the snowman name his dog ‘Frost’?
Because ‘Frost’ bites.
What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
Fang letters.
Those people are preparing peach gelato because they want to demonstrate their rights to freeze peach!
What type of bread do deers enjoy the most?
“Sour-doe!”
Usain bolt must be a fruit
Have you seen that mango?
Why was the mouse afraid of the water?
Catfish.
He ordered 6 vodkas, 6 beers and 6 lemonades. The bartender asked if he would like a tray.
"No I have enough to carry as it is."
It's better to amputate at the shoulder,
Its twice as much work to cut off forearms.
Why is learning to ski in France so difficult?
'Cause sometimes they won't Alp you.
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
Why didn't the kids eat their soup? Because they're stew peed.
It wasn't til I studied Spanish as an adult that learned Spain discovered Canada.
As our teacher explained it, the first maps said "Acá, nada."
Why didn't the T-rex skeleton attack the museum visitors? Because she had no guts!
What do they do when the fruit educator is sick? They bring in a substitute peacher.
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
Why did the cheese lover hide cheese in the back of his fridge?
In queso emergency.
Not every legume can be a nut.
But a pea can.
This whole birthday thing is getting old, don’t you think?
What do you call a painting by a cat of herself? A self paw-trait.
What’s orange with bad hair and hears ‘boo’ a lot?
A haunted pumpkin with a wig.
What did the vicar use for his vegetable patch?
Lettuce spray.
The most suitable way to bake a pie in autumn is to bake it to pie-fection!
Why do physics professors prefer overweight students?
They have greater potential.
Irish potatoes are spud-tacular.
The artist shouldn't have taken that sculpture for granite, now it's stone-cold.
We have a great connection since you’re wifi-material.
I once convinced my younger brother to swallow a small lamp.
I got in so much trouble but it was worth it to see his little face light up.
What did the newspaper say to the ice cream? What's the scoop
Q. What do you get if you cross a deer with an Aussie Joey?
A. A buck-er-roo.
What is a polar bear’s favorite snack?
Brrrrrittos.
Who brings the monsters their babies?
Frankenstork.
It may just be a stage I'm going through, but I sure do love the trapdoors on set.
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. Forget about
the present, I didn’t get you one.
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
Why did the Archaeopteryx get the most worms?
Because he was an early bird.
What's better than a talking dinosaur ? A spelling bee. What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try-Try-Try-ceratops.
A star athlete in Koalaville got kicked off the Olympic team for cheating. Unfortunately, he was diskoalafied.
What does Miley Cyrus eat at Christmas? Twerk-ey!
Where are average things manufactured? The satisfactory.
What do we call two birds that are in love?
Tweet-hearts!
How do you decide whether to be a Brain Surgeon or a Novelist?
You flip a coin. It’ll land on heads or tales.
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
Why was Mozart a child prodigy?
All his early pieces were in A sharp minor.
Who wears red and brings catnip to sleeping kittens? Santa Claws!