Why did the hipster burn his lips?
He ate his pizza before it was cool.
What did the rainbow say to the pot of gold? You'll be the end of me.
When finally the encyclopedia on mushrooms was out, it was given the title ‘A Fungi-de to the Mushrooms’.
Famous mermaid saying: Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf.
Dad: "Knock, knock!" Kid: "Who's there?"
Dad: Spell!
Kid: Spell who?
Dad: W... H... O...
Why do comedians hate telling jokes at zombie night?
All they hear is groans.
Today, my pastor started talking to the drum set during his sermon.
Boy did I appreciate the cymbal-ism
What do dogs like to drink? Kit-Tea.
What did the glass of wine say to the beer?
Nothing... They barley knew each other.
Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff
Due to unusually successful harvests of chickpeas this year, the price of hummus is going to fall dramatically.
Buy the dip.
A good friend of mine fell into a vaporiser and died.
She is sadly mist.
Q: What time is it when a tiger walks into the room?
A: Time to get out of the room.
Diving into shallow water could lead to jumping to wrong conclusions.
Ravens fans are so tough....they hang out in crowbars.
Green vegetables absolutely love going on camps as a group. Their favorite is the Brussels Scouts.
Why does Mr. Potato Head have a mobile?
In case Mr. Onion rings.
What did the guard say to stop the horse from escaping?
Halt-her!
What happened to the man that took the 5 o’clock train home? He had to give it back!
What was the name of the knight who made the round table of Sir Arthur perfect? He was a knight called Sir Cle.
I love spending koala-ty time with you.
How many elves does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten! One to change the light bulb and nine to stand on each other's shoulders!
I don’t like mangoes. I asked my boyfriend if he thinks they’ll grow on me one day.
He said “I think they can. You just need to be watered properly.”
What is a dog’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone
I went to the hardware store and told the cashier I had to replace the plumbing for my sink. "Water pipes?" She asked.
I replied, "The round tubes that liquid flows through."
Q. What did the Aussie zookeeper say to the gorilla who was spying on him?
A. There's no need to pry, mate.
What do you get when you cross a tortoise and a llama?
A turtle-neck sweater.
There is nothing impaws-sible if you’re as brave as a tiger!
What happened if vampires came to a big dance?
A bat ball.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
People keep asking me why I’m working for Dr. Frankenstein.
I’m just trying to make a living.
Why do vikings have barcodes on their ships?
Its so they can scan-de-navien
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinselitis!
What do you call it when a cheese goes #2?
Fondue-due.
What do you call a square that got into a car accident?
A rect-angle
What do you call a kangaroo sanctuary?
A kazoo.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
Don't theater jokes always seem so staged?
I woke up in the middle of the night and found all the blankets on my bed were missing.
I was scared sheetless.
Elizabeth has eleven elves in her elm tree.
What did the witness say at the gnome trial? In my gnome words here’s what happened.
What do you call an alligator who kills bugs all day long?
A fumigator.
How much does a corn flake weigh?
1 Kelloggram.
What did one Jack-o-lantern say to the other? Cut it out!
I'm reading a romance book in Braille.
I don't think I'll finish. It's too touchy feely for me.
What color socks do bears wear?
They don’t wear socks, they have bear feet.
Why did the baker go to the toilet?
Because he kneaded a poo.
What did the water in the fire truck say when it came to a sudden stop?
I'm baffled.