Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
"Partners in wine."
Why do so few vegetarians become competitive swimmers?
They don’t like the swim meats!
Why isn’t the tomato a vegetable?
It couldn’t catch up.
Two sodium atoms are walking down the street. Suddenly one says “Oh, my God, I’ve lost an electron!” The other says “Lost an electron! Are you sure?” and the first replies “Yes, I’m positive!”
Why is the French Prime Minister never seen in the morning?
Becasue he is pm not am!
What happened to the cherry that got married to an apple? They are living apple-y ever after.
The artist thought she was all that and pen some.
What vegetable lives in your heart?
Beets.
A berry funny strawberry candy is called a Laffy taffy.
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
You'd think seeing a mermaid in real life would be terrifying, but it wasn't half as bad.
Q. Which square dancing step do stags enjoy most?
A. The Doe-si-Does.
Why are bread puns the greatest? They never grow mold.
Why couldn't anyone see the flamingo? It was in de skies.
My wife said she saved $5 by not taking a bus and walking home
I said, you could've saved a $20 by not taking a cab instead
When she saw her first strands of gray hair...
She thought she would dye.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
What do you call a smartass bird of prey?
A know it owl.
What do you call a skeleton who goes to school but doesn’t do any work?
Lazy bones.
What did the happy kitten say? I’m feline good!
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
Why aren’t skeletons good at poker?
You can see right through them.
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
Why does the Pope love Swiss cheese so much?
It’s hole-y.
How do you know it’s getting kind of serious with a cheese lover?
They tell you they are pretty fondue you.
Where do fish sleep?
On a seabed, and sometimes they vacation at the river bed.
Why was the well done steak a terrible gossip? It wasn't juicy enough!
Q: Where can a tornado be jailed?
A: In a high pressure cell.
Who were Gumby’s favorite Bible characters?
Shadrack, Meshack & AhBENDago.
How can you tell a sword is a knights favorite weapon?
He doesn't use a lance a lot.
What do you call a flying cheese?
A curd of prey.
What’s the best time for Frankenstein to go to a party?
Fright now.
What did the koala write in his Valentine’s Day card to his girlfriend? “I love you-calyptus”.
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his donut?
He was stuffed!
What did the dinosaur say when he saw the volcano explode? What a lavaly day!
What happened to the men who lost their lettuce?
I don't know, but apparently they lost their heads.
Why was the parrot in prison? Because it was a jail-bird.
Why did the dyslexic elf get fired?
He kept writing "From Satan" on children's New Year presents.
Who answers the door at the peanut mansion?
The peanut butler.
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
I got invited to a costume party, so I went as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
Solving problems in the mountains is easy. It really Alps to clear your head.
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
Did you hear about the rich rabbit? He was a millionhare!
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
What did the Easter bunny say to the carrot?It’s been nice gnawing you.
How do horses get to another star system? They travel through intergalloptic space.