I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
I saw a Jazz band last night, but they really sucked...
They really saxophoned it in.
"No body won the skeleton race."
Why does Foghorn Leghorn take it slow when April rolls around?
Because he’s no spring chicken!
Why can't inmates read a clock? Because it's hard time.
What does a dolphin say when he’s confused?
Can you please be more Pacific?
What do you call an ant who joins the army?
Milit-ant.
How do you stop a werewolf attacking you?
Throw a stick and shout “Fetch.”
If I buy you guacamole, will you sleep with me?
You must think I’m some kind of avocad-ho.
What do you call a weary Viking conqueror?
Bluetooth low energy
I bought a wig for a dollar...
It was a small price toupee.
2000 years ago, pop diva Lady Cleopatra had a smash hit: "Bad Romans."
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.
Riveting stuff.
Need an ark?
I noah guy.
What do you get when you cross a tiger and a snowman? Frost-bite!
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
It’s party thyme.
Why did the pineapple’s phone die? It needed juice.
When is a piece of wood made king? when its a ruler
What do you call fifty-five gnomes in the mouth of a kraken?
A good start.
I knew a detective who always wore a cat costume.
One day I asked him why.
He told me "I am always in purrsuit."
The satellite went into the orbit, right on January 1st, causing a New Year’s revolution.
There was a knock at the door this morning. I opened it and there was a wash basin on the doorstep.
I thought, "I'd better let this sink in."
I heard the local flasher was due to retire.
But hes decided to stick it out for another year.
Why are worms so easy to get along with?
Because they are always down to Earth.
Who turns the lights off on Halloween?
The light's witch.
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
If Satan ever lost his hair...
There would be hell toupee.
What is the funniest fish in the sea?
A clownfish.
I was hoping my friend would catch the lemon-lime soda i tossed her.
But unfortunately Sierra Mist
Due to unusually successful harvests of chickpeas this year, the price of hummus is going to fall dramatically.
Buy the dip.
How many ears does Spok have?
Three. The left ear, the right ear and The Final Frontier.
What do you call two rabbits racing down the road? The fast and the furriest.
What happens when you play tug-of-war with a pug?
Pulled pork!
What has a head but no body, a heart but no blood, leaves but no branches and grows without wood?
Lettuce
Why did the king order his new castle be built in the evening?
For the night knights!
Shut up the shutters and sit in the shop.
The winning home run didn't surprise the hitter. He did it all without batting an eye.The baseball player loved his treadmill and all the home runs.
How could the skeleton tell that rain was coming?
He could feel it in his bones.
Would you mind watching my pet parrot while I’m out, as long as it’s not too much of a birden?
Did you know Davy Crockett had three ears?
A left ear, a right ear, and a wild frontier.
What do you get when you cross a cat and a sloth? A slow leopard.
How do you call football without shoes?
Socker.
I like playing chess with old people in the park, but it gets hard to find 32 of them each time.
Ireland always leaves me wanting Moher.
What is a cat’s favorite type of water? Purr-ified!
Why did the artist cross the street? To crosshatch to the other side.
I just wanted to make a good frost impression.
Which Halloween treat is going to keep a crow up all night? A crowfee apple.