After trying out floss for the first time, I couldn't believe how nice it felt.
It truly was a breath of fresh air.
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
Why did the beaver cross the river? To get to the other side of the river.
When it came to tilling his garden by hand, he put a lot of heart into it.
He was gung hoe.
Who did all this shopping? Me, my elf, and I!
How do horses greet each other?
“Hayyyyy.”
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
The Mad Hatter and the Queen of Hearts had a rental agreement
A lease in Wonderland.
What do baleen whales call a hook-up?
Netflix and krill.
The book on Mount Everest was super interesting because it had so many cliffhangers.
Giraffe: The highest form of animal life.
For goat’s sake, that’s enough.
What’s a whale’s favorite meal?
Fish and ships.
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man.
What helps a pirates hair grow?
Aaarrrgan oil.
What do we call the basketball team that won the donuts championships? – dunkin donuts.
I hate windy weather. It really blows.
So I was standing in the grocery store comparing the prices of a couple packs of hummus when my roommate came up to me and suggest the off brand roasted red pepper kind to which I replied:
"Ya, I'm not really sure about that brand. They seem to be very hit and hummus for me."
He was not impressed.
Each time the cow escaped, the farmer would find him hiding in Moo York City.
Why did the bunny eat the wedding ring? Because he heard it was 18 carrots.
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
If you notice this notice,
you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing.
R.I.P boiled water. You will be mist
Where did the bunny groom and bunny bride go after their wedding? On a bunnymoon.
My Japanese dentist became a woman.
He’s a trans zen dentalist.
I recently met a musical group of pirates.
They called themselves A-Band-On-Ship.
No one likes eating outside in the winter.
It’s frost come, frost served.
If you’re looking for potato puns, you can count on me to chip in.
What is a dog’s favorite movie about dinosaurs?
Jurassic Bark.
What did the snail say as he slipped down the wall? How slime flies!
The skeleton would love to see the latest horror flick, but he just doesn't have the guts for it.
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate? A Kitty Kat bar!
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
Why does bread looks so bad in photographs?
It’s just too grainy.
What do rabbits say before they eat? Lettuce pray.
Did you hear about the guy who forgot to use the colander when making mac and cheese?
His wife gave him a restraining order.
What’s the one book all piglets read in grade school? A Series of Un-porcine-ite Events.
Why couldn’t the old cat see? He suffered from car-aracts
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
What do you get if you cross a gold dog with a telephone?
A golden receiver.
Why did the snowman name his dog ‘Frost’?
Because ‘Frost’ bites.
"Thanks a brunch for the meal!", said the punny man when he sat to eat.
I just beat my friend in a Wild West themed art race!
I was quicker to the draw.
What do vets call a paralyzed squirrel? A busted nut.
Did you hear about the boat dock that committed murder?
He’s going to be judged by a jury of its piers.
What kind of bread do elves use to make sandwiches?
Why shortbread of course!
A physics teacher is about to jump off a high bridge
When a friend stops him saying, "Don't do it, you have so much potential."
I hear Jake finally broke up with his crazy grocer girlfriend; never could tell water problem was.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be mass confusion.
What is a golfer’s worst nightmare?
The Bogeyman.