"What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?" "I want you inside me!"
I couldn't figure out why that ball in the sky kept getting bigger...
Then it hit me.
They say March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. Ewe might say it leaves sheepishly.
Why did the bat break up with her girlfriend?
She thought she was a pain in the neck.
What kind of ice cream do pigs like best?
Hoggin Daz!
What is the cutest car?
A BM-cuddle-U
Did you hear about the loggers who stopped cutting down the forest? The trees really felt re-leafed.
What did the boy without hands get for his birthday?
Nobody knows, he hasn't got the package open yet.
Trying to teach my dad how to put WiFi on his tablet
Me: You just have to go to settings!
Dad: This is just making me upsettings!
On the spot no hesitation! Gotta love him!
Kids got me an Old-school Chemistry set for Father's Day...
... Totally in my Element.
Afraid he wouldn’t get into college the skeleton spent the weekend boning up on algebra.
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
For several days each month, some friends and I get together, play instruments and sing in a medieval style.
I guess you could call it my minstrel period.
Go big or go gnome.
Volcanoes are rude! They are always int-erupt-ing.
What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?
An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.
"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
"No sun."
Why did the hipster throw away his calculus book?
He found it too derivative.
I ran out of deodorant.
I guess I'll go online and odor some more.
Talking at the local chocolate factory is frowned on. When I’m there, I need to wispa.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano? You can't tuna fish.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
Why are nuns such great sprint runners?
'Cause they're used to being chaste.
A lemon says to an orange, “What are you up to?”
The orange replies, “Not much. Just hanging ‘round.”
Bad vegetable puns are dreadful.
It’s a truly rotten experience.
Don’t ever trust a leper-con!
What do you give a sick snake?
Asp-rin.
Why does Bruce Wayne have such fabulous hair?
He uses conditioner Gordon.
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.
Where do koalas go to settle legal matters? A kangaroo court!
A prisoner was released from jail, he shouted "Yay I'm free I'm free!" A little boy yelled "So what I'm 4 I'm 4!"
What do rocks eat?
Pom-a-granites.
What do you call a FISH with no Eyes? A FSH.
I had a salad pun, but I tossed it
What’s black and white and bounces?
A rubber panda.
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
What do cars have on toast.
Butter and traffic jam.
What do you call a socialite made of cheese?
Paris Stilton.
Cows get sad whenever they hear the songs of the pop band 'The Mooooo-dy Blues!'
Cherry pie will set you back 10 dollars in Antigua, but 15 in Barbados. Yes, those are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Walked into a restroom and saw an "Out of order" sign on a urinal.
It's going to be tough to move all these urinals to get them back in the right order....
What is a cat’s favorite kitchen tool? The whisk-er.
Strawberries have berry good eyesight because they are packed with a lot of Vitamin See.
What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning? "Excuse Me... ahem... To be or not to be roasted, that is the question!"
What did the violin say when it finally played the music correctly?
Viola.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
What do you call a slow skier?
A slopepoke!
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
What do you call a baby tree struck by lightning?
A zapling.