What happens if an owl doesn't wash?
It smells fowl.
How can you tell if a witch is on a diet?
All her food is potion-controlled.
Living costs on the moon would probably be out of this world.
Why do computers make such bad boxers?
Their bark is worse than their byte.
I have some extra chairs in my garage for emergency seat-uations.
What street does the hippocampus live on?
Memory lane.
Why didn't the brain want to take a bath?
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son
"Beehive!"
What do you call young avocados?
Avokiddos.
What did the Mountain lion say to the bathroom attendant?
Out of the way, I’m about to Puma pants!
Why is the ocean always blue?
Because the shore never waves back.
What’s another name for a chess-nut? A nut who loves chess.
Took a tour of Pisa, Italy...
Tour guide said “Hello, my name is Eileen.”
Why do you always bring a bag of chips to a party? In queso emergency.
Why did the little girl color her paper heart pink rather than red?
She was feeling lighthearted.
Why are Scandinavian women so hot?
The Vikings didn't bring back the ugly ones.
What did you have for breakfast?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for lunch?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for dinner?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What do you do when your sister comes home?
- rubber balls and liquor!
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
Why does a mummy enjoy celebrating Christmas? As it involves a lot of gifts and wrappings.
My wife doesn't like spicy food and I think it's a cayenne shame.
Good work, we’re raising your annual celery
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
Why don’t pigs eat cake? Because they’re morally opposed to bacon.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
Historians have discovered a new Greek God who didn’t excel at anything.
His name was mediocretese.
What do you call a medieval dentist?
A plaque doctor.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
When the chef asked me how I would like my soup, I said "I would like minestrone".
What do you get when you cross a vampire with an ice cube?
You end up with frost bite.
No need to light a night-light on a light night like tonight.
My dad refused to accept that he was not hiking in a mountain called Mt. McKinley
He was in Denali.
French guy goes into a bar with a frog on his head
The bartender asks “where’d you get that?” And the frog says “in France. There’s loads of them.”
How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell phones.
It's better to amputate at the shoulder,
Its twice as much work to cut off forearms.
Why do werewolves not enter the Olympics? Too high a chance of a silver medal.
Don’t be hay-tin on autumn!
What did E.Ts mother say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
What song was the peach listening to? 'Stronger with Peach Tear'.
Why was the computer sad?
It was going un-node-iced.
What do you get if you come fourth in the National Weatherman Awards? A precipitation trophy.
What do you call chick peas in a cavern?
Humus Sapiens
What do you call James Bond with no beard ?
Agent Zero Zero Shaven.
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
Why are two parrots better than one? One parrot can't carry a coconut, but toucan!
Did you hear about the lowest grade of steak? It's where the rubber meats the road.
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars ? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
"Egg-ceedingly good, wouldn't you say?"