I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
What is the best way to communicate with a fish?
Drop it a line!
What’s the difference between a worm and pumpkin?
Have you ever tried worm pie?
What kind of work do pigs do after school?
Hamwork.
Does anyone remember the joke about the sodium deposits? Na.
Why didn’t the lobster and crab share their lunch with an octopus?
Because they are too shellfish.
I watched a documentary about corn fields
It was really quite amaizeing
What do cheese makers dance to on halloween? The muenster mash!
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
Why did the beaver cross the river? To get to the other side of the river.
How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
What do you call a food waste disposter installed in the sink?
In-sink-erator
What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?
Pulp fiction.
I rarely put orange slices in my beer.
Once in a Blue Moon.
My friend said, "I bought a parrot for my son that has red and blue feathers."
I said, "Your son must look very strange."
What happened when it started raining coins?
It knocked some sense (cents) into the world.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
What do you call a bus full of smart people?
A Scholarship
A monster terrorized a village.
He kept doing it ogre and ogre again...
I stole seven crows yesterday.
Got away with murder.
I tried to keep a koala in my house, but the smell was just unBEARable.
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
Why isn't your daughter married? Because a gourd man is hard to find.
The name's Bond. Ionic Bond. Taken, not shared.
The reason why soccer players are brilliant in math is because they know how to use their heads well.
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
The viking Rudolph the Red looked outside and proclaimed it was going to rain.
His wife asked him, “What makes you say that?”
He replied, “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
What is the head of an Italian dinosaur family called? Ptera Don
I seem to have run out of tea...
What a catastrotea.
What did the ocean say when asked if he wanted to be friends with the beach?
“Shore!”
You have to hunt down a troll and kill it with a gun. After you find it, you accidently lose sight of it. In rage, you fire your gun. The bullets hit the troll and it dies.
What do you tell the person who sent you on the quest?
- I lost gun-trol.
Why were the two retinas such good friends?
They always saw eye-to-eye.
What do chic evergreens wear for cruelty-free fashion? Faux fir.
What do you call a watermelon that spends all day at the beauty spa? Must be a hottermmelon.
What was the Vikings favorite song while invading England ?
Heathen flow by Pearl Jam
What’s black and white and stands in the corner?
A naughty panda.
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
Take a pitcher. It'll last longer.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite candy?
Lollihops.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
How does Santa look after the grass on his three gardens? Ho, ho ho.
Who did the ghost take to prom? His ghoulfriend.
A mosquito asks for a date: "I'd like to take you out to suck blood on someones leg"
She says "I don't know, I feel like I'm going out on a limb here."
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter? Pi a'la mode.
My grandmother was famous all over town for growing delicious strawberries.
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. She’s dead and berried.
I could go on and on about Salming but I don't want to Borje.
Why is the left cerebral cortex always wrong?
Because it was never in the rgiht.
What did the mushroom’s sing when they won the closed-cup? - We are the champignons!