What's green and dangerous?
A frog with a hand-grenade.
What kind tree grows chickens?
Poultry.
The basketball player sat on the sideline and began sketching pictures of chickens. He was learning how to draw fowls.
Who does May like the best?
April Showers, because April Showers brings May flowers!
Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
What did France, Great Britain, and their allies say after The Great War?
World War Won.
Dad: Years ago I had the opportunity to meet R.E.M., and we even took a picture together with my buddies.
Son: Where are you in the photo?
Dad: That's me in the corner.
My father said that there was a bug on my computer. The bug was trying to eat one byte at a time.
Have you heard about the latest restaurant that opened up on moon?
No, how is that restaurant?
In the mushroom bus, one mushroom said to the other, "Please scoot over, there is not mush room."
Did you hear about the crime family that took over the wine importing business?
They call themselves the Sip-ranos!
When you write copy you have the right to copyright the copy you write.
Why was the skeleton stupid?
He was a numskull.
If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?
What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?
A French Roast.
I saw a fruit running from the police recently
It was a water felon.
What happens if you cross a hairdresser and a werewolf?
A creature with an all over perm!
How do beavers make a bouncy dam? Well, they use spring water.
What should you do with an old inventory of fine French wine?
Liquidate it to the highest bidder.
What do you call a girl who is standing directly in the middle of the court? Annette.
How can you tell you’re in a pig wine bar? Because everything’s swine.
A mosquito was trying to land on my arm.
I shook it and said:
"Not on my watch."
Solving problems in the mountains is easy. It really Alps to clear your head.
Why was the chef surprised that anyone like her bread?
She thought it was crumby.
My friend was totally addicted to the cold meat section in our local supermarket. It got so bad, they had to quit cold turkey.
Did you hear about the 2 apes that kept fighting with each other?
It was gorilla warfare.
What attracts knights in shining armor even more than damsels in distress?
Magnets
Three tomatoes are walkin' down the street.
Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato and Baby Tomato.
Baby Tomato starts lagging behind, and Papa Tomato gets really angry.
Goes back and squishes him and says: "Ketchup."
Where do rocks like to sleep? In bedrocks!
Q. What's a computer geek's favourite snack?
A. Microchips.
The nut said it was very pine-ful when its’ shell cracked.
What can't cows stand on their hind legs?
Because they lactose.
I wish medusa would stop objectifying people.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef!
I was waiting at the hotel's lobby when the WiFi was disconnecting from time to time.
I really hated that reception.
Did you hear about the bird that couldn’t pass environmental legislation?
He was a lame duck.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a person who makes pots?
Harry Potter
What do you call a goat that’s lazy?
Billy Idle.
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.
I don’t know why I couldn’t convince my wife she would like the set of knives I made her for Mother’s Day.
I made several good points.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
What did one crow say to the other after the party?
We were raven.
What vegetable lives in your heart?
Beets.
Yetis have declared their own independent state in the Himalayas.
It's an abomi-nation.
I went to the backyard this morning and saw a bird of prey drinking a pumpkin spice latte.
It was a millennial falcon.
Today I helped father-in-law to fix his plants
it was very grounding.
The plant was tired of being boring.
It has decided to turn over a new leaf.
Why aren’t trees competitive sports fans? They like to root for everyone.
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
What does a turtle do during winter? Sit by the fire and worm himself up.