What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo? Hop on!
Did you know they tested the Mars rover against animal attacks?
They had to switch to dogs because Curiosity killed the cat.
Why is the chef so mean?
He beats the eggs.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
How do eels travel across the seafloor? By Octo-bus.
What do you call a zoo that has only giraffes in it?
Giraffic Park.
Why doesn't McDonald's serve escargot? Because it's not fast food.
What do you get when you cross a sloth and a Scottish rock band? Slow Patrol.
What is a potato’s life philosophy? I think, therefore I yam.
What did the eyewitness tell the cops after a computer robbed a bank?
It went data way!
How many golfers does it take to change a lightbulb?
FORE!
When the giant cannibals started to soak me in vinegar, I'd had enough.
"Why don't you pickle someone your own size?" I shouted.
Why did the boy soon stop trying to grab the mountain fog? Because he always mist.
What does a hippy cherry wear to a festival? A pie dye T-shirt.
Why did the egg go to school?
To get egg-ucated.
Have you ever heard of Pavlov’s dog?
Yeah, he rings a bell
I’ve got a great idea for an automatic orange peeling machine I hope it bares fruit.
I took my friends watch that had an LED flashlight on it.
Now it's my time to shine.
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
It's weird being colorblind in an art gallery. Everything's a pigment of the imagination.
I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flour...
My teacher said, I'm the perfect roll model.
Q. Which kind of cheese is made fom deer milk?
A. Moose-erella.
Why did the banana go to see the doctor? The banana was not peeling very well.
Grasshoppers do not fancy soccer matches because most of them prefer cricket matches.
Why did the baker keep putting too much flour in the bread? Because he was a gluten for punishment.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta
Q: Why couldn’t the orange believe that her friend had let her down?
A: This was because citrus-ted him!
What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over? Doughnuts!
Why did they put Viagra in chocolate bars? You eat it, She says, "Oh, Oh Henry!"
Why don't turkeys like math?
Because when they added three to five...
They got Ate.
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What do you get when you cross a turkey with a centipede?
Enough drumstics for a month.
When one tree asked another how it was doing in November, it replied, "I am pine!"
Why does your grandma like wine so much?
Because at her age, she needs glasses!
A thief stole my toothbrush.
It left a bad taste in my mouth.
What is a pirate’s favorite’s fish?
A pirates favorite fish is a swordfish!
Why did the bear quit his second job?
Because he needed some koalaty time with his family.
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
Are you a defibrillator? Because you are sending shocks to my heart.
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
What happened to the pirate who lost his peg leg?
He couldn't find it, so he was stumped.
What do you get when you cross Elon Musk and lobster bisque? A souped up car.
Why are 40 romans funny?
Because they are XD.
One-one was a race horse.
Two-two was one too.
One-one won one race.
Two-two won one too.
Which side of a penguin has the most feathers?
The outside.
I threw a party for all the workers who helped build my house. The door guy showed up late...
...but he really knew how to make an entrance.
Where do phones like to travel?
To the Great Call of China!
What’s the best way to settle church disputes?
With canons.
If Russia attacked Turkey from behind do you think Greece would help?
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
I work at an Ink company in Spain. Yesterday I held a Competition about our company’s history. But looks like no one wanted to be a part of the
Spanish Ink Quiz Session.
I don't mind leg day at the gym.
It's just the two days after that I can't stand.