Did you hear about the gorilla that was from Vietnam?
He was a viet kong.
Let’s have a shamrockin’ good time tonight!
Why do basketball players love cookies? Because they can dunk them!
What do you get when you mix a sheep and a kangaroo
A wooly jumper
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
A Pun, a Play on Words, and a Limerick walk into a bar....
No Joke.
What’s a snow princess’s glow worm’s favourite song?
Let it Glow, Let it Glow!
What did the dog say when he sat down on sand paper?
Rough.
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
I dropped my cactus the other day
Worst part is, I caught it
I went drinking with a bunch of kangaroos last night and they didn't buy me one drink all evening..
Talk about short arms long pockets...
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
A stoner, a Jedi and a surgeon walk into a bar.
Blunt force trauma.
Why did the skeletons stay out of the forest?
Because sticks and stones will break their bones.
Why can't you use beef stew as a password?
Because it's not stroganoff.
What do chickens study in school?
Eggonomics.
What did the flower do when she was challenged?
Rose to the occasion.
What do you get if you cross a gnome and a tauren?
A mini-taur.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite Village People song?
Nacho Man.
Why are snails allowed on ships?
Escargot.
I heard a heart wrenching story recently.
A car mechanic became a cardiac surgeon.
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic
When the gladiators fought lions
it was always the mane event
What happens if the Grim Reaper spikes the ball? You have to dig your own grave.
My son asked me, what’s a Greek urn?
I said, “about 20 drachmas a day.”
Q: Did you hear about the cherry that liked to explode?
A: It was da’ bomb.
Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost?
The nearest Shell station.
She saw Sharif’s shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure those were Sharif’s shoes she saw?
Why is it a bad idea to get in a fight with a monkey?
Because they use gorilla warfare.
Did you hear about the unlucky man who bought some bananas? They were empty.
I had to carry a group of crows once.
It was murder on my back!
What's the name of the funniest mountain range in the world? The Himhilarious.
Busy buzzing bumble bees.
Why are candles lit on top of birthday cakes?
It’s impossible to light them on the bottom
What is a koala’s favorite exercise?
Bearobics.
What type of real estate transactions do dwarves prefer?
Short sales.
When you’re alone in Germany being approached by a group of old men
You have to fear the wurst.
How did the cardiologist figure out what she wanted to do with her life?
She just followed her heart.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
I tried out a lactose free diet. I stopped because I couldn’t figure out how to milk the almonds.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.
Irish potatoes are spud-tacular.
Where do players hide their marijuana?
Between the stash marks.
What did the Ocean say to the shore?
Nothing. It just waved.
Why did the neuron like to sleep in the top bunk bed?
It wanted to have a high resting potential.
What were the ponies most excited for in the meal?
The main horse.
What Do You Call A Cat That Swallows A Duck?
A duck-filled-fatty-pus
What did the mitt say to the baseball?
Hey baby, you're quite a catch.
How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off its tail and it will be de-lighted.