What do you call a famous inmate? A cellebrity.
What's a barista's favorite morning mantra? Rise and grind.
What's an astronaut's favorite meat? Launch meat!
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital. He was on a fairway to heaven.
What is Jehovah's witness' favorite band? The Doors.
Egg puns are the most egg-citing.
I went to the zoo the other day and saw an alligator that will only eat finely chopped food.
It was an alligrator.
What do you call a metalhead working at Cold Stone? Alice Scooper.
What do you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers
I was arrested at the airport. Just because I was greeting my cousin Jack!
All that I said was "Hi Jack", but very loud.
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
My wife misplace the sugar with the salt in her sugar cookies.
It was sodium disgusting.
What’s the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
Alligators will see you later, crocodiles in a while.
Did you hear about the crime family that took over the wine importing business?
They call themselves the Sip-ranos!
You know what really bugs me?
Insect puns.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
There’s two balloons in the desert. One says look out for that cactus!
The other goes What Cactussssss...
Brace yourselves kids!
Our dentist is shutting down.
Never laugh at your spouse’s choice… You’re one of them.
You can pick your friends or you can pick your nose...
but you can't pick your friend's nose.
The favorite drink for batman is a fruit punch.
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
What’s the easiest shot in golf?
Your fourth putt.
A sheep, an idiot, and a snake walk into a bar.
Baaaa dumb hisssssss.
How are bad school grades like a shipwreck in the Arctic Ocean? They're both below C level!
Cherry pie can be a bit aggressive. Rumor has it they go around saying, “Hey! You want a piece of me?”
I want to start gardening, but I haven’t botany plants.
Why do ice cream cones make such good journalists?
They always get a scoop.
This zombie kept cutting the line so I gave her a piece of my mind.
She said it was yummy.
When I went to the shop to buy some strawberries, they didn't have any. It was such a fruitless trip.
Why didn’t the two algae ever have se*?
Because they had a planktonic relationship
Turtles that commit crime are sent to the shell-block.
What did the salt say after it was pepper-sprayed?
That's nothing to sneeze at.
Which side of a duck has the most feathers?
The outside.
A muslim woman wanted to adopt a gorilla. Her husband wouldn't allow it.
He said, that's haram, bae.
What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp?
A bear-faced lyre.
I tried looking up ice cream puns on the Internet...
But then my browser froze.
The pilot was lucky. He always had work. Whenever he made an application, it was almost certain that he would land a job.
Tne thing you won't catch a vampire ordering in a restaurant is a stake sandwich.
Have you heard the fast gladiator that was a tumor covered in dough?
He was a Roamin' Tumor Roll.
Whenever I’m in France I always start the day with a bowl of mushrooms...
Breakfast of champinions
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum
The brain is an amazing organ
it really makes you think.
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
A thesaurus' favorite thing to eat for breakfast is a synonym roll.
Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees.
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
One should always practice what they peach.
When one is Russian for industrialization, there is no time for Stalin.
My father cooked us mushrooms. Later he asked "Having fun guys"?