I don't know where I put my queen after the last chess game.
Maybe she's lost I need to check.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot? A carrot!
What kind of phone does a burglar use?
A no-key-a.
People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”
Their words, not mine.
The painter loved to paint because he was drawn to art.
What is a dog’s favorite coordinates?
K9.
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
What does the winged horse do after it goes to the bathroom?
Pegaflushes.
I allow myself only one donut per year.
This morning I had 433 B.C., 1731, and 1952.
What’s a flower’s favorite band?
Guns n’ Roses.
What is a lion’s favourite cheese?
Roarquefort
How did the geology student drown?
His grades were below C-level.
Say it ain’t snow.
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
What do you call a family member who works at a gas station? A pump-kin!
The ref keeps shafting us the offsides; I think he's blue lyin'.
A wise saying among werewolves: Chasing your tail will not make ends meet.
My dog loves designer hand-bags.
So I got him a Poochi.
I used to sell loose onions
Until I got the sack
Why are flowers so good at problem-solving?
They know how to nip things in the bud.
What did the flower tell his son before a big game?
I’m rooting for you.
What is a polar bear’s favorite food?
Iceberg lettuce and snow peas.
I am really good with PowerPoint because I Excel at it.
What kind of socks do you need to plant cayenne pepper? Garden hose!
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
A goat came out of nowhere and headbutted me
It was a ram-done act of violence
Do you need some encourage-mint?
If that’s the case, would it be wrong to say that the unfaithful watermelon had an illegitimate daughtermelon?
What kind of pole is short and floppy?
A tadpole.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
I love meat. I think going vegetarian would be a big missed steak.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
A motivated nut is a pecan. Because pe-can do anything.
You used to call me on my cell-ery phone.
I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex...
He's a small arms dealer.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
I got a job crafting toy models of the dwarves from Snow White.
The pay sucks, but I'm not lying when I tell people I make seven figures.
I've decided to stop being a fork and become a spoon.
I just woke up one day and didn't see the point anymore.
I studied archeology
Now my life is in ruins.
On a lazy laser raiser lies a laser ray eraser.
What’s gray, squeaky and hangs around in caves?
Stalagmice!
Do you want to try my soup? I have enough for broth of us!
Why didn’t the horse tell her friend she was a thief?
She didn’t want to saddle her with that information.
"Can I get some peas and quiet?!" shouted the pea dad angrily.
I went fishing in the ocean the other day and caught one fish
but I think it was just a fluke.
Just look, it’s the Trifle Tower
In Ireland, when the cows are in the road it’s udder chaos.
What do you call a man who lives in a bathroom?
Lou.
I've just been to court accused of sniffing the skins of vegetables and fruits.
I got off on a peel.