Did you hear about the CEO that got fired at the dairy farm? He was skimming a little bit off the top.
What kind of fish is only made of salt.
A tu-na.
Mr. and Mrs. Peanut finally got married and tied the nut.
What type of knife do chefs use to connect to Bluetooth?
A pairing knife
What do you call a pickle that got run over on the road?
Road dill.
How could you tell the horse gained weight?
It had extra girth.
Someone just asked me to sing any line from "Don't go breaking my heart."
I couldn't if I tried.
Six slimy snails sailed silently.
How do lions greet people?
"Pleased to eat you!"
What's the difference between chemistry and cooking
In chemistry you should never lick the spoon.
How do llamas say “Merry Christmas” in Spanish?
Fleece Navidad.
When she asked me if I like soup, I replied saying "I am crazy pho soups".
I bought an underwater craft in a bright green color.
It's sublime!
What do we call a plumb pineapple? It is called a pineapple chunk!
What kind of tropical fruit wants to visit the moon?
A Coco-naut
What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.
What month does every tree dread? Sept-timmmberrr!
Why don’t bears eat fast food?
Because it’s hard for them to catch.
Why should you never throw a snake like a boomerang?
Because it’ll come back to bite you.
What did the pastry cook say when he was making the cake?
Bat-a-cake. Bat-a-cake.
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Real rocks are too heavy.
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
What type of pool do mechanics like best?
The car pool!
What’s the difference between a worm and pumpkin?
Have you ever tried worm pie?
You can donate blood to me anytime since you’re just my type.
What did the Easter bunny say to the carrot?It’s been nice gnawing you.
I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart
I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place.
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was too tired..
How does a lumberjack trim his beard?
With a chinsaw.
What do you call a Greek love song?
An Aphro-ditty.
What do you think of puns about deer?
“I’m very fawn’d of them myself.”
What do you call a man with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows
Wondering about a peach's favorite sci-fi novel? It's 'When You Peach Me'.
Why was the sapling crying to her mom? She said the big trees wouldn’t leaf her alone.
Don’t expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.
I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her off her feet.
What did the dinosaur ask his pet dog when he wanted afternoon tea with him?
Do you want some tea, Rex?
"I'll be right back, I need to go for a pea," said the fruit during the interval.
In a world that is full of apples, it is much better to be a pineapple.
Aloha is a soft laugh.
Why did the banana fail his driving test? He kept peeling out.
I went to a Halloween party wearing a pie shell and carrying a shepherds crook.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" "I'm a spy" "A spy?. What kinda of spy wears a pie costume and carries a crook?"
A shepherds spy.
Why should you live a pineapple life? Because Life is sweet.
How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a werewolf?
Terrier-fied!
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
What do squirrels eat at the fair?
A-corn dog.
Which dinosaur is pure evil? Daemonosaurus.
When we spill soup on the comic book, we will get soup-erman.
A good workman doesn't blame his fools
\*tools.
Stupid keyboard.