How much does it cost a pirate to get his ear pierced?
It's a buccaneer
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
What has four legs and an arm?
A happy pitbull.
What did the metamorphic rock say during the test? This is too much pressure!
What kind of dog sniffs out flowers?
A bud hound.
While I was riding my bike, there was a big tropical storm. I decided to cyclone.
What did summer say to spring?
Help – I’m about to fall!
What happened when the snowgirl had a fight with the snowboy?
She gave him the cold shoulder.
Did you hear about the metamorphosis professor who just gave up on life? He really needed a change.
Fresh fried fish,
Fish fresh fried,
Fried fish fresh,
Fish fried fresh.
Have you ever seen a fish cry?
No, but I’ve seen a whale blubber.
What was that knight's name who would always go around and call other knights by their last names? Sir Name.
What do you get when you cross a ghoul and a vampire?
A hemogoblin.
What do rodents say when they play bingo? 'Eyes down for a full mouse'!
Which dinosaur slept all day ? The dino-snore!
Looking out at the water, a father explains why the ice breaks up in the spring.
The changing sea son.
Sorry kids - we won't be carving pumpkins this year... Sorry to squash your enthusiasm.
"Will you accept this rosé?"
Took the family on a whitewater rafting trip, and first time we came to a sudden descent in the river, we lost everything...
That was just one of the downfalls!
What do you call a party for snowmen? A snowball.
I woke up in the middle of the night and found all the blankets on my bed were missing.
I was scared sheetless.
I went to a theater performance done on a bunch of dictionaries the other day...
It was a play on words.
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
Did you hear about the little grape who didn’t want to be made into wine?
Unfortunately, he was pressed into service!
What do you see at a funeral for a piece of fruit? Apple-bearer.
How does bread win over friends?
“You can crust me.”
What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
If I were to wander around in Italy...
Would I be roamin'?
Organ donors really put their heart into it.
Someone said, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."
So I through a dictionary at them.
Hermit crabs’ house phones were always shell phones
My two pet crabs have very different personalities. One is always in a good mood, but the other can be a bit of a grump.
Their names are crabA and crabB
Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?
The story of the chicken and cow running away together sounds like a cock and bull story to me.
What does the parrot get at the end of a restaurant meal? The bill!
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
They say everything gets better with age.
What do you say to an avocado who’s done a good job?
“Bravocado!”
Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"
The only good pun is a dad pun
but who am I kidding?
In ancient Egypt if you held a stinging insect you were thought to be very attractive
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder
What did the flower say when her son went off to college?
I be-leaf in you.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
What’s a glow worms favourite song?
Wake me up before you glow glow!
The only type of cookies a cookie monster loves to eat during Halloween is Ghoul Scout Cookies.
Rivers are so lazy they never get out of their beds.
Roberta ran rings around the Roman ruins.
What’s does a winged horse like to munch on?
Pe-grass-us.
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?
A do-you-think-he-saur-us.
Who turns the lights off on Halloween?
The light's witch.
Is an argument between two vegans, still called a beef?