People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
“Did you hear the forecast for Christmas Eve? They’re calling for rain, dear!”
I love you and I ain’t lion.
The retiring orchard gardener made a farewell peach that was really heart-warming.
How did the egg get up the hill?
It scrambled up.
H20 is water, but what is H204?
It’s for swimming and drinking, of course.
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
What do zombie actors do before they perform?
They re-hearse.
Name a rock group where none of the members sings or plays music.
Mt. Rushmore!
I once decided to buy a baseball stadium. But my agent said he could only give me a ballpark estimate!
Let’s get elf-ed up.
Some people have to stop telling meat puns, because they simply butcher every single joke.
What does a deer call a hunter?
“Doe foes.”
Where do cows go on vacation?
Moo York.
Apple and orange were the only two left that evening. Everyone else had dates.
There’s a room with two tables and ten people. One table has soup, and the other table has a punch bowl. All ten people are lined up at the soup table.
Now’s when you ask: where’s the punchline?
I read a bunch of news articles dealing with lightning strikes recently.
I'm trying to keep myself knowledgeable about current events.
My dad's nickname is lightning.
That way I can tell my friends I've been struck by lightning multiple times.
Where do zombies go for beach holidays?
The Dead Sea.
Where do crows try their luck?
Ma-cau
How do eels travel across the seafloor? By Octo-bus.
What did the nervous crow do? The crow proceeded with caw-tion.
How do you communicate with a fish?
Drop him a line.
Why did the robot decide to go on a summer vacation?
To recharge!
Why doesn't the tooth fairy like dental instruments?
She finds them obtooth.
How does lettuce listen to music?
Headphones.
My girlfriend told me she's breaking up with me because of my football obsession.
I told her she'll need to wait till the summer window if she wants a free transfer.
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
How do you call an extremely soothing table?
A console
What is the shortest month of the year?
M-A-Y.
Why did the baker keep putting too much flour in the bread? Because he was a gluten for punishment.
What did the boy say when his mom made him prepare the corn for supper?
This shucks!
Did you get a hair cut?
No, I got them all cut.
Why did the Green Giant lay down in the field?
So he could Rest in Peas.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
I would tell a time travel joke,
but you didn't like it.
As summer approaches, I think it’s a good idea to use two deodorants, one under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.
If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a tavern guard.
I've always been known for my Inn-Security.
What kind of cheese protects a castle?
Moat-zarella.
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
Why is Christmas the cheesiest holiday? Baby cheeses. (Baby Jesus)
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
Why was the square dance fiddler arrested for smuggling?
Because of his contra band...
What’s the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws and the other has a pause at the end of a clause.
The book about Mount Everest had quite a cliff hanger.
Why isn’t the tomato a vegetable?
It couldn’t catch up.
Why did the horse never get cold?
It was a Dutch warmblood.
I just had a pint of kangaroo beer
It was a bit too hoppy for me
What should you do if you see a blue banana?
Try and cheer it up.
What is a cat’s favorite game to play with a mouse? Catch!