what do people win at fancy grammar competitions.
a posh trophy.
What does a cat lady say on Friday night?
I am drinking wine and feline fine!
Why did the bunny bang his head on the piano? He was playing by ear!
What should you do with an old inventory of fine French wine?
Liquidate it to the highest bidder.
A man goes into a Chinese restaurant and sees people dressed like vikings
"Excuse me, ladies and gentleman. I am a well traveled man and the atmosphere of my excursions must be perfect. I must kindly ask you to leave."
A big, muscular man dressed in Viking armor walked up to the man and said
"Norway"
My mom is a metalurgist
I asked her the other day: "Which metal do you prefer to work with? Gold or silver?"
She said: "Either ore."
What do you get when you pick a pig’s nose?
Ham boogers.
My four year old has been learning Spanish all year and still can't say the word please.
Which I think is poor for four.
What is the favorite sport for the young bass? It is the bass get ball.
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
How do you know if you are dealing with a smart zombie?
They are wearing helmets!
Why didn’t the golfer get his homework done?
He wouldn’t stop puttering around.
Bookworms take shelfies.
Why did bulb pack an apple in his bag?
He wanted to have a light snack.
I bought a lamp for my friend
To brighten their day
How do you catch a unique bunny? Unique up on it.
Why are lemons safer than limes?
There’s no such thing as lemon’s disease.
One time, while visiting a river town, my brother was hungry and I fed him freshly made stream buns.
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort
How do you measure the circumference of a Sheep?
Shepherds Pie
A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.
What happened when a farmer crossed a chili pepper, a shovel, and a pitbull? He got a hot-diggity-dog.
How did the struggling leaf get the job? He got the right qua-leaf-ications.
What do you do when you're in a knife fight with a group of clowns?
Go for the juggler.
How do you confuse a fish?
Put the fish in a round fishbowl and tell it to go to the corner.
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars? Tyrannosaurus wrecks!
The wind is following a new workout program. It’s called air conditioning.
What do you call a fish with a tie?
Sofishticated!
It’s time to say Versailles to France.
What do you call Chewbacca when you have chocolate stuck in your hair?
chocolate chip wookiee.
Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach?
Because they might peel.
What’s the National Donut Day theme song?
“Donut Stop Believing.”
What do you call a giant that's good at football?
Goaliath.
What has four legs and goes Oom, Oom?
A cow walking backwards.
You are the coffee to my espresso and I love you a latte.
We make a great pear
Why is the ocean always blue?
Because the shore never waves back.
What do you call Tyrannosaurus rex when it wears a cowboy hat and boots ? Tyrannosaurus tex!
I dropped my computer on my foot.
It mega-hurts.
I’m going green, if you know what I mean.
How do you keep the snow from giving you cold feet?
Don’t go around BRRfooted!
Irish puns are the most O'ffensive.
What is the difference between a dirty bus stop, and a crab with breast implants?
Ones a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!
Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.
What do a phone and an engaged girl have in common? They both have rings.
"Hey dad, my electric toothbrush is broken!"
"No son, it's just gone acoustic."
What do you call a clairvoyant midget who has escaped from prison? A small medium at large.
A truck with an entire load of strawberries has crashed on the motorway. It's caused a real traffic jam.
Summer is here, so I’m moving all of my bad habits outside.
What do you call a nut who loves the game of chess?
A chess-nut.