Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
I love you and I ain’t lion.
I was at a bar and heard a band playing a Queen cover. I asked them what the name of their band was. They are called the Champignons my friend.
What is the fastest way to make a setter angry? Each time you make a pass, tell the setter the ball is “Up” and then say “Yours!”
A lump of red leather, a red leather lump.
You have to hunt down a troll and kill it with a gun. After you find it, you accidently lose sight of it. In rage, you fire your gun. The bullets hit the troll and it dies.
What do you tell the person who sent you on the quest?
- I lost gun-trol.
What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.
How do venomous snakes kill their prey?
In cold blood.
My boss accused me of "acting the monkey" at work.
I almost choked on my banana.
How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?
Ten-tickles!
Why do birds fly south in the fall?
Because it’s too far to walk.
Do you be-leaf in magic?
Did you hear about the bear with the bad heart?
It went into kodiak arrest.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
A wind turbine saw a solar panel at an energy convention. He leaned in and shouted, Hey, I’m a big fan!”
Where can you read about planets exploding?
In the orbituaries.
What do you call a Boston creme donut that’s a straight-A student?
The creme of the crop.
Why did no one want to sit near Shrek?
He had terrible body ogre.
Why did the T-Rex cross the road?
Because the chicken hadn’t evolved yet.
When Lincoln had asked Republican Senator John if he would aid him in capturing Atlanta, he replied, "Sher-man!"
Why can't the bankrupt Hindu complain? He's got no beef.
I tried wild ox milk
Turns out I'm yak-tose intolerant
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you! and I want the whole world to know it.
A dyslexic witch cursed me!
Now everything I touch turns to glod, an increasingly disgruntled gnome.
What is bigger than a Christmas tree?
A Christmas four
What is a cheese lover’s favorite musician?
Mozart-arella.
What do you call a giant mushroom? Hu-fungus.
Why shouldn't you lend a geologist money? They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
Why did the clock in the donut shop run slow?
It always went back four seconds
An ig is just a snow house without a loo!
How do you get a mouse to smile? Say cheese!
How do you make holy water?
By boiling the hell out of it.
I always find artists romantic because when they love you, they do it with all their art.
Living in france must be hard
I mean, 100 dollars is only a cent.
You don’t need to pay rent to live inside my heart.
I accidentally kicked my bed post when I got up this morning, almost couldn't move!
Luckilly, I called a toe truck.
What do you call a group of brains who form a singing group at school?
A glia club.
In the night, a visitor came past my igloo. It was a yeti!
Not sure who left the other cooler, but thanks!
What do you call a selfish bomb?
Mine.
What did the first century Christian say about the lion that killed his wife?
I'm Gladiator.
A man meets a fairy.
"I grant you 2 wishes" , says the fairy.
"I want a bottle of beer that never gets empty" , says the man.
He starts to drink. After two minutes he stops drinking and the bottle is still full.
"And youre second wish?" the fairy asks.
"Another one of those."
What do you get when you drink milk
A moostache
Did you hear about the Owl that could play American football?
It was a superb_owl.
If a four-legged animal a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped, what’s a tiger?
Stri-ped.
I almost brought a screwdriver to the football game, but was stopped by security
They said that match-fixing isn't allowed.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
The directions for my new dandruff shampoo are very confusing.
It's a real head-scratcher!
Why did the lake date the river?
He heard that she had a bubbly personality.