What does a monkey wear while cooking?
An ape-ron.
I was fired from an insect repellent company for being dyslexic, so I smashed all their computers.
There’s no files on me.
Are you a vegan?
'Cause I yam.
Which noble man loves sitting at a round table?
Sir Cumference
Do perfumes expire?
In essence, they do.
My history teacher was talking about mythical medieval creatures
Personally, I think the lecture was starting to drag on
What has four legs and an arm?
A happy pitbull.
Why are alligators long and green?
Because if they were small and red, they would be tomatoes.
Orange you excited for Halloween?
Beware, gnomish merchants, they tend to shortchange people.
Q. Where do red, orange, yellow, green, blue and violet crayons like to go hiking?
A. Colorado.
What did the doughnut say to the pizza?
If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.
When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor?
Why do you always bring a bag of chips to a party? In queso emergency.
What do you call cheese that is acting crazy? A basket queso.
Q. Why are orange jokes so dumb?
A. Because oranges are afraid to concentrate.
As it snow happens.
When autumn arrives, the evergreen tree asked the deciduous tree, "Leafing so soon?'
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream?
It was icing on the cake.
Why was the white wine's off-beat pun so boo-ed?
Because it was too corky.
What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat? A Diplodocus with a sore throat!
Never date a Theater person...
... wayyy too much Drama...
What happens to great actors? They get nominated for an a-cat-emy award!
What is small, has a long tail and works with the police?
A gerbil shepherd dog!
What do you call an extremely disgusting unicorn that no one likes? An eeeww-nicorn.
What killed the painter? He had too many strokes.
If you ride your bike twice a day, is that recycling?
Why did one melon break up with the other melon?
“He didn’t know water problem was.”
Rhys watched Ross switch his Irish wristwatch for a Swiss wristwatch.
What do math and history have in common?
They both teach people about inequalities.
Why didn't the cell phone wear his glasses? He lost his contacts.
Birdie birdie in the sky laid a turdie in my eye.
If cows could fly I'd have a cow pie in my eye.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
What do you call a lie told by a skeleton?
A fibula.
Two kittens on a sloped roof.
Which one slides off first?
The one with the lowest mew.
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
In the night, a visitor came past my igloo. It was a yeti!
Not sure who left the other cooler, but thanks!
What did the little mountain say to the bigger mountain?
Hi, Cliff!
What do you call a baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block.
I met him yesterday, he was on his way to meet the counselor for a peach therapy session.
You know what it's called when you hurry to develop a vaccine?
... Russian.
Why will you never see a realtor reading books?
Because books only have page numbers!
What kind of money does deer use?
“Bucks!”
Due to bad weather, I won't be attending the Meteorology Convention.
I'm gonna take a rain-check.
What's the best time of year to see gorillas in the wild? Ape-ril.
What do you call an italian mosquito?
Malario.
What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate clauses.
Why are they called tacos?
They don’t say much.
Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?
I think it's called Two Baroque Girls
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle