When it comes to seasonal drinks, more and more are converting to the church of pumpkin spice,
but I choose to remain eggnogstic.
Distill my beating heart.
A skeleton walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer and a mop.
Brother: "I saw a seahorse scuba diving"
Dad: "Wow that's amazing, I didn't realise they had the technology."
Which dinosaurs were the best policemen? Tricera-cops.
Where do baseball players wash up?
In the bat tub.
How do monsters like their eggs?
Terri-fried.
A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
With the nice warm weather last weekend, a neighbor was enthusiastically diggin' in the dirt planting his garden!
He was so excited about it, he wet his plants.
My father gave me a peach. I told him that I wanted a pear. So he gave me another peach.
What does the like to parrot wear to the beach? A beak-ini!
I heard Medusa looked really pretty.
In fact, her looks were stunning.
Are beavers the best builders in the animal kingdom? Dam right they are.
What do you call a panda who’s lost his dinner?
Bamboozled.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I ain't no poet, but neither are you.
A few years ago, I had a job translating pre-Classical Greek literature into Braille.
It feels like ancient history.
If you need a mystery-solving, just call an in-vesti-gator.
Why did the skeleton go to acting classes?
He wanted tibia star.
Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!
Now I know why people love footballers – especially the goalies, they are real keepers.
Ice simply love it when it snows!
What am I? A tea bag you dirty minded human...
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
Driving a truck carrying cutlery is easy – as soon as you see the fork in the road, you know you’re there.
Why did the gorilla cross the road? He had to take care of some monkey business.
What is a polar bear’s favorite snack?
Brrrrrittos.
Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?
Because he took a leek!
Reading is a novel idea.
Which building do vampires always visit when in New York?
The Vampire State Building.
You’ve been working too yard.
How did the rabbit become a wrestling champion? It had a lot of hare pins!
What did one chandelier say to the other?
I have friends in the high places.
Have you heard about the new band located in the north east of england?
They're called Durham Durham.
What does the mummy parrot say to her baby? Beak-areful!
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
What's black and white and eats like a horse?
A zebra.
What do bandages like to put on their salad?
A wound dressing.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
There was a group of ants that always went on parties together, but one smelled way worse than the others.
He was de odor ant.
Why does North Korea excel at drawing straight lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
What did the manager say to the realtor who kept forgetting to sign the agreement?
He said, "Just do the deed."
In the dark ages, the knights had to attend a special type of school. It was the Knight School.
"It's wine o'clock."
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
What did the tree say when it fell down?
"Call pine one one!"
Q: Did you hear about the pea that changed careers?
A: He went into a different field!
I had a great childhood, I remember my dad would put me in a tire & roll me down the hill all summer.
Those were Goodyears.
I watched a good film about fishing last night.
It had a great cast.
I had an art contest with my friend.
It ended in a draw.
Did you know that camels can last longer without water than se*?
They can go three weeks without water, but can't go a day without a hump.